Thanks to my family

I sent my family a thank you for helping through everything. It was done with a picture of myself and narrated by me, but I will not post this here. Here is the text of my message:

It has been a long seven years for me. I have changed in many ways, emotionally, physically and mentally. Dr. S. told me last week, that I was at the best point I have been at since he met me. I am at the best point I have probably ever been. Many of the symptoms I have dealt with- the low self-esteem, the nightmares, the hyperactivity, and the inability to control my feelings-are better. I have worked hard to get here and am proud of where I am.

But I must also credit all of you with my wellness. You have been there for me through everything and I finally understand how what I have done may have hurt you. It is not easy for others to understand what it is like to feel so worthless that you think others might be better off without you there. Yet despite this you all hung in with me and I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support. That’s truly what family means.

Thanks again.

All alone

Well, DS and BH are away for a week and I am all alone. I am not feeling particularly lonely. The weather today was beautiful and I spent most of the day playing on the computer while the breezes swept through. Wow, meds hit early tonight, I better hit the bed while I still can. More for later. I also went to dinner at my mother's house. Yesterday was a disaster there with the toilet. Their toilet plugged up and it had to be taken outside to clean it all out. It was really a mess and it was a good thing we were available to help. BH called and they were in West Virginia but still had a couple of hours to go before reaching their destination. I am assuming they made it all right. I am slowing picking up around the house starting with my office. So far I discovered our couch and a chair which were barely visible beneath the stuff. Kitchen is for tonight. We really need the rain, I am so tired of carrying water to all the little plants we have. Guess I'll have to resort to battling the hose again. I know I repeat myself, but sometimes I get tired of the darkness that is always with me. I was thinking about the time I had a nightmare about a bloody snowman. What was really bizarre was a couple of days later I passed a snowman that someone had used dye or something like that to make it look bloody. And for some reason that made think of some mutated person coming to my door with my cat all torn up. Such a joy to have these thoughts. I was thinking that one reason I don't go to horror movies is because I have my own personal ones in my head! Now on that note I need to go back to work.

Job Interview

I have a job interview tomorrow. I am a little nervous but not entirely, at least not yet. I don't usually get too nervous. (For some reason I feel like nervous has to have an e at the end of it.) Another cloudy day with no rain. If it did then I wouldn't have to water everybody tonight, but that is one of the joys of gardening. I have found myself nostalgic for the hospital several times today. As I reread my blog to make sure I had changed the initials, it reminded me of how little responsibility one has there. Pretty much just eating, sleeping and going to group. Maybe I am more nervous about tomorrow than I think I am. I will be reading a document that a district coordinator wrote about the perfect interview questions to be asked. It gives me a little heads up for tomorrow. BH has been giving me some tips too. I have some of my own questions to ask them that I need to write up tonight.
We think we have a bird nesting in my Noah's Ark bird nest (which is really supposed to be used as a nesting site. I have to climb a chair tonight to check it. In one way it would be really great, but cleaning it out afterword would be disgusting. I'm glad for having our new neighbors across the street, and it certainly is cleaner with our neighbers behind us gone, but it is a little eery with no one behind us. We also have a new dog in the neighborhood, it's a Bassett Hound who is left outside to bark for hours at a time. Just a bit annoying. Maybe someone else will complain so I don't have to.

I went back and read over my old posts to switch to BH (Beloved Husband) and DS (Dear Son). I guess people could still identlify me, but it is less likely now. Part of me is really angry that I have to be concerned about anyone finding out, but I also know the reality of things. I recently had a teacher tell me that people with mental illnesses shouldn't be allowed to teach.

I got all my annuals planted, but it is thundering out and I don't want to get zapped. I will go over and and help my mother put in a couple of my plants that she can't get planted because of her knees. I am hoping that the sky will be clear by then. I just spotted some bittersweet I need to cut. Be back later.

I just started a new blog about stuff for work, much less personal than this blog. I have been thinking about why I don't workout or watch what I eat. I guess it is because I don't care enough about myself to do that. This is definitely something I need to work on. Weather has been great for plants, we just had a couple of days of rain to get things growing again. Saturday, we plan on going to buy our annuals. Seems like it will be a lot of fun.

19 Years and Still Going

It's been 19 years since BH and I were married. I think I'll sign up for 19 more. We got a lot of work done today even though we were both tired from weekend events (Boy Scouts and the Book Expo America.) It was great to get in and see all the new books coming out and grab some catalogs. Now there is a nice cool breeze coming in with just a bit of rain. There is supposed to be a lot tonight. We can use it. My S. baby is keeping me company-he agrees about the breezes and the rain and has the addition of good sniffs. Unfortunately that will all end in a minute when I head off to bed. Good night.