Last night's dream involved my mouth filling with some kind of straw, stony stuff that I would clean out and then it would come back. The thing is, I feel quite nauseous right now and may vomit from the memory. It is so disgusting.

Over the past couple of weeks one of my worst fears was to see J. for the first time. I didn't care if she was thin or gaunt or didn't have hair, but I was afraid that when I hugged her I would cry to see her there and I would get the usual cardboard hug that I usually get, which would break my heart. Dr. S. told me that it might be something she couldn't or wouldn't give and I had to accept that. But she did hug me back! It felt so good that she was there and looking a bit tired but ok. Thank you so much God-I need nothing else for Christmas.

Haven't written recently but I wanted to post this link. Check out the offers available. http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=12842024. The offers given are pretty good-I decided to try the Blockbuster one. Good luck.

Today was a bad/good day. When I got home from a Dr.'s appointment, I talked to my neighbor and the mastectomy has taken care of the tumor and she will most likely not have to have chemo. I was really glad to hear how much more upbeat she sounded today, she even laughed. Also talked to Mom about Christmas.

However, the rest of the day wasn't so great. Apparently I did things in my sleep last night. The sink full of dishes that I was supposed to clean this morning (which I forgot to do) did get done. Since BH didn't do it and DS never would, I must have done it and not remembered. Mystery solved and I feel really guilty cause DS did do it for me last night. Sorry! I did almost nothing at work again today. Since people are using computer labs because books aren't necessary anymore, I have had very little to do over the past couple of weeks. My application to the PhD program was rejected a couple of weeks ago and I have felt so humiliated that I haven't told my sisters. Then to top everything off I have a polyp or tumor in my uterus and will be undergoing a simple D & C, but I also have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Neither is really any problem for me, but both cause infertility. So as I sat in the office waiting to go to the Pre-surgery exam I got to sit across from all those ripe young women with bulging stomaches and full breasts. I sat opposite them with all those of us who are too old or can't have children and felt like a dried up old shell. Since this afternoon pretty much ended any of the what ifs and plans I had for the future, I feel a bit lost and need to find my way again. Where that way will go I have no idea.

Happy Thanksgiving! In these times we really can be thankful for being born in the U. S. Even if we aren't a perfect country, we are privileged to live in a country with the freedoms and opportunities.

I just remembered a dream from sometime this week. I went into someplace dark and in there, maybe on a bed was a woolly bear caterpillar that had been cut into pieces but it was still alive and I had to get rid of it. This is important to me because I have always explored outdoors and animals. When I was little I used to collect woolly bears and and talk to them and let them climb on me and then I would let them go. I wasn't afraid in the dream, I just remember being upset that it had been injured.

Woah-something just buzzed in the top part of my head and now I feel really dizzy. It was in the top right front quadrant and felt like someone had put a buzzer there. Now I also am feeling nauseous, but that could be too much Thanksgiving. My hearing is also clearer, kind of like after those boxed in moments.

Here's a story for you. BH has been sick since last week with his gall bladder. All those years of fatty foods have caught up with him. Thursday, I had to drive him for an ultrasound. Thursday and Friday he was really sick. Friday night and Saturday morning were the worst. And since he couldn't sleep, neither could I. So finally on Saturday night he had started to feel better. We had all had a couple cups of herbal tea and at 8:30 at night, when DS asked if he could have another, I said he had had enough to drink. In retrospect this was a good idea.
I have never slept really soundly and I have always been tuned into DS at night. BH is still amazed that when DS was three, I heard him call my name, grabbed a garbage pail and got to him in time so that ALL the vomit made it into the garbage. Anyway, BH was still a bit restless and I had the caffeine jitters from the large amount of chocolate covered popcorn I had eaten. About 12:30 I heard DS get up, turn on a light and I assumed he was using the bathroom. However, in a couple of seconds I realized it didn't quite sound right. When I got to his door he had mostly finished. He had turned on his closet light and had just finished urinating on the floor. He went right back to bed and didn't wake up or remember anything about the forty-five minutes it took me took wipe all the urine up, clean and polish the hardwood floors so that the cats didn't think it was a new and improved litter box. Oh well, it comes with the territory, and gives me ammunition for when he gets married and I can pass it along to his spouse.

Last night we all actually slept relatively well. No nightmares, no cold sweats, no screaming. I feel better and so does BH since he has started his new diet.

At least there is almost always one good thing among many bad. On Wednesday, I stopped to visit my Aunt. She was more aware than I have seen her. While I was there she said Annika a couple of times, though I don't know who she is referring to. But at one point she looked around the room, looked at me and asked "how did I get here?" After my initial shock, I explained about her house. Then she said her mouth hurt and showed me where it hurt. She repeated this several times. I have not heard anything lucid she has said for two years. It was kind of exciting, but also sad because it reminded me of how she was before the alzheimer's.

Now lets see. DS is failing literature, he has refused to take an exam for the class and has brought his notes home when he shouldn't have. He has also missed wrestling for two weeks. Yesterday, I got the results from the ultrasound. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and a tumor on my uterus. In December I will have a D&C. By the time I got home I was exhausted and really upset. While the diagnosis wasn't nearly what it could have been, both conditions increase infertility and though I'm now 40, I haven't given up on pregnancy altogether.

And to round out my night BH did the bills and informed me that several were overdue (even though we had the money to pay.) DS continued his noncooperation until I finally blew my stack and began to strip him myself. NOt an easy task since he is now my height. By hte time I got to start taking his pants off he was cooperating. And BH would not leave me alone in spite of my requests that I didn't feel well.

Part of "illness" is due to terrifying nightmares. Two nights ago I woke up screaming though I cannot recall the nightmare. Last night I had two sets of nightmares. The first was about these people or things/monsters were trying to catch me. I finally locked myself into my grandmother's house, but they were almost able to get in. I woke up screaming again. Then, a woman did something to wreak havoc everywhere. Lots of people were killed, there was blood everywhere, I was with the survivors and when we caught up with her, she was going to be let go even though she had done really murderous things. That was when I woke up in another cold sweat.

Maybe things will get better over the weekend.

Well today was one of those really great days. I have been having trouble the past couple of weeks and have had very strong urges to cut. Then I have had trouble sleeping. So I took some extra clonazepam two nights ago and yesterday I took some extra seroquel. At about 8:30 this morning I went to the office to write a referral for a truly rude and disrespectful student and I just kind of crumpled to the floor. I could not stand up and I pretty much went into a very extended dissociative episode which lasted until about 5 (after a two hour nap.) I don't remember much, which is good because it cuts down on the humiliation factor. The nurses helped me walk to their office and then I lay down for a while. I eventually went back to work, though I have no clue what I did. Now, I just feel really rung out. I really hate myself-I should be better, there are so many people out there with real problems. Forget it.

I have finished physical therapy which is good because my shoulders are in great shape and there will be no more afternoon appointments. However, it also means I won't get to see the PT anymore. As I described earlier he was really hot. Dark looks with a nice face and beautiful eyes. Slim, but not too much with a great ass and wonderful warm strong hands. (I got the opportunity to spend some time checking him out today.) I know it is just the obsessive BPD thinking, but he has conveniently forgotten to let go of my hands several times when he finished working and the hug I got as a goodbye today was also nice.
I behaved myself for the whole time, but now the things I am thinking and feeling. Oooh. Maybe tonight there won't be any nightmares. I just feel so guilty because I haven't felt this way towards BH in a long time. Wow. That's it.

Well, the ultrasound is done. There was something there, I could see it on the screen and the fact the the radiologist measured and viewed it from every angle added to my thoughts. She also was very concerned about when my follow up appointmnet was. So now I just wait to see what happens. I am so tired now. I barely slept last night and am falling asleep as I'm typing.

Also another tunnel incident. I had had toast and coffee so I wasn't hungry, but after watching a video, I had trouble refocusing on the classroom where I was physically located. No tunneling effect though. It was about 5 pm.

Another night, another bad dream. This one was a bit different. BH was divorcing me, though I can't remember why. It bothers me because I think of what I have put him through and know that in some ways he would be better off if I weren't around.

I find myself kind of shaky lately. I am also losing weight again. I know the weight loss is in adding the Strattera (kind of like Alice, this pill makes you smaller, this one makes you taller). I am not sure about the shaky part. It might be because of the crazy eating schedule I have, or it could be nerves about work, or school, or J coming up for Christmas. But it probably is the Strattera and I don't believe the benefits outweigh the side effects, but I will give it one more month. Dr. P suggested Ritalin, but I am not sure I would like the ups and downs of it. Since it is a stimulant it works really well for a certain number of hours after taking it, but then that wears off and the hyperactivity comes back. It was great for DS in elementary school, because it let him be in control in school and then at home it didn't matter. Now he needs something that is more consistent and the Ritalin made him lose too much weight when he had to take a larger dose.

Ok, so I ate breakfast, wasn’t tired, and had fluids. After carrying a couple of boxes upstairs the tunnel happened with blocked, fuzzy hearing and then the sound of rushing water to almost a high pitched whine. So what’s up with that?

Well, last night made up for the past couple of weeks. I can't remember most of my dreams for the night, but they were on the nightmare side. Then early this morning I woke up screaming. I was in a building somewhere and a man put his head inside the door. At first it was someone I knew, then it was someone absolutely terrifying, but I don't know who. It still makes my stomach cramp and makes me cry it was so scary. I just wish I knew who it was. I woke up DS with the screaming and he asked me what happened and then told me that talking to him would help. He is such an empathetic, caring kid, he is truly a blessing.

I haven't dreamt as much over the past couple of weeks and I haven't woken terrorized by a nightmare. However, last night's dreams were disturbing. It was night in Willimantic and my mother told me I had to go bail Steven out. It wasn't really safe on the way over, but I made it there ok. After I paid his bail, and before he and his girlfriend left he told me he wanted the photographs and another item that had been left in his house. Mom showed me where his house had been and now it was a grassy area near the water.

I had to walk home late at night in Willimantic and a woman had been killed. Mom and T. and I went to the beach. As I went out to the water, I found two women's bodies. One was decapitated, but the other was just dead. After calling the police there was only one body, the decapitated one and she was all twisted and bloody. I can't remember her face but it was all cut up. I kept telling the police that the killer was in a certain town, but they wouldn't believe me.

Last night I dreamt that we were camping in cabins/houses, it must have been in Russia. One of the boys in the youth group tried to help some other kids defect. The Russian kids were caught but he ran away. I got everyone to go looking for him and yelling to him, but he wouldn't come out. I was afraid something had happened to him. I had to call his parents, but I couldn't get my phone to work. It wasn't really a nightmare, more of a bad dream. I just couldn't get him to come back or find him.

Then I got up and couldn't find the door. I kept trying to go through the window, it was very confusing. The colors were wrong and I then I couldn't focus on anything. Sometimes when I convince myself I am not crazy, I go do something like that. I know that there are people out there who really need help and have nothing, but sometimes I just want it to all go away. I want to be normal without medication, but I don't want to go back to who I was. I'm gaining weight again now that summer is over and I had two bowls of cereal, a serving of mandarin oranges, a soda, a Lean Cuisine thing and two cany bars and now it's only 8:30 and I'm starving, with my stomach growling and everything.

I don't remember class too well tonight. It was busy at school with lots of classes and I was alone because C. was out sick again. Then I had to come home, check on DS then go back to campus. Rambling, like usual. Too much to deal with.

First the dryer doesn't work, then we get it fixed, then it doesn't work and we are given one, but it only turns the drum with no heat. We buy a new dryer and this one doesn't heat and then we discover a blown fuse! Eventually we will have a dryer again, but until then I am refusing to do any laundry. I hung the clothes out for 5 months, which is something considering all we do.

I haven't had any nightmares that I remember since I started on the Strattera. I seem to be very sleepy and have a headache, but I think that is allergies. Killing frost is predicted for tonight or tomorrow night, then I'll see how it goes. Two nights ago I did wake up screaming, but I don't think it was a nightmare, it was because BH woke me up abruptly and scared the hell out of me. Then, once you get your heart down to 120bpm, there's no way to go back to sleep. And it wasn't even important, it had to do with one of the cats. The last dream I had before I woke this morning was about me and my mother being together with a group of women. We were rooming together doing some kind of program. In any case it was getting close to when we were to leave, but I wanted to go to the beach. I often have dreams when I want to go to the beach and can't get there due to time constraints, emergencies, or physical barriers. I have no idea what that may mean, but it occurs in my dreams at least a couple of times a month.

I have read or heard a couple of really good books lately. I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Chbosky. It is an honest and fair portrayal of teenage life and the author does not apologize for the presence of abortion, drugs and drinking which really are a part of most of our youth’s life. This is the book students should be reading instead of Catcher in the Rye, which is considered a classic, no longer represents a situation most of our students can relate to. The Baby Boomers need to give it up. I would recommend this book to any students mature enough for the subject matter, probably at least a junior or senior high school student.

I also finished listening to Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. Once again she has written an engaging book that makes the reader or listener really think. Atwood has the uncanny ability to use current events and trends and take them one step further to what could easily be the future. This is another hit for her. This book is for adults, though some mature students might enjoy it as well.

I listened to Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. It was an ok story, but I will not read the next two books in the series. It is a best seller, though I am not sure why. The writing is mediocre and filled with references to a specific type of computer. I wonder how much the author got paid for those subliminal ads. I would not recommend this books to adults and while the reading level may be at an older level, the story itself can best be enjoyed by children at grade levels 4-7 who will find some of the humor right up their alley.

Last year I joined Audible.com. I pay a monthly subscription of $19.95 and can choose two audibooks each month. The price is right and they have a very wide selection books, including recently released books.
Link

This week hasn’t gotten much better. BH overpaid the bills again and now we’re scrambling for money for food and gas until our next paycheck. I was really angry with him because he just does not seem to get it. Maybe he has now. I had a ugly confrontation with two teachers because they got to school early and got the library unlocked so everything was open with no one watching out for the equipment. They got here early and thought they should always have access to the Riso machine. I feel like a teenager about the female teacher, when she came this morning and in a very obvious way said thank you to C. I called her a bitch under my breath. I’ve sunk to the level of many of our female students. I’m exhausted and just want to go home and sleep.

I’ve also been bothered by an incident that happened a few years ago that I had forgotten about until this week and now it really creeps me out. While talking to a consultant hired by the school he was masturbating. He did it with his hands in his pants but I still new. How disgusting! And why me? When I spoke to someone about it they recommended that I should never be alone with him-not that there would be any chance of that!

It’s back to work.

I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry and because of all those things I'm confused. I stayed home from work today, but had to go to a useless meeting and then class. Since yesterday our cable, Internet and phone have all been shut off because of non-payment, not that we couldn't pay, just that we didn't. I never gave BH bills for online payments, he didn't notice there were no bills and now we have a mess. Additionally, I got a ticket on campus, which I knew I was going to get and should have avoided. At least BH now sees how mixed up our financial situation is and that we need to get it all straightened out.

Yesterday was an a stressful day as well. We had a 504 meeting for DS. I was actually encouraged after the meeting. I may have overreacted to events of the last week, but now I have met with all his teachers and we have a better feeling for how things have gone so far this year. I also had another "out of body" episode. It is hard to explain this and I'm am a bit concerned because I believe they may be seizures. They only last a few seconds, I generally still hear and see what is going on, but my field of vision narrows and then I seem to jump ahead in time and things look different. I saw my MD about this, he decided it was not something to be concerned about, except that they may be optical migraines and if there is no pain associated with this, I don't need to worry. However, when my mother explained to me what a petit mal was like, it was almost identical to what I feel. This one occured immediately after the meeting ended.

I am too tired to even think about anything. The course I am taking is useless and we probably could have saved a couple hundred dollars of me taking it. I really have learned nothing new.

I had a meeting with my advisor and will know by the end of October if I am in the PhD program.

That's it.

S. has asked me to keep a journal so we can talk about things that bother me between sessions. She also asked me to try to jot down what I remember in dreams. There have been so many bad ones, I have trouble keeping track of them. I also sometimes can't remember if something was a dream or actually happened. A bit scary.

In last night's dream we were trapped by people who wanted information on the "mob." Not really like Al Capone, but an underworld group. We escaped and there was a pregnant woman with us, but she was with BH (Maybe a bit of guilt that it is unlikely that BH will experience me in that condition.)

I have also been having a really hard time lately. I love BH but I miss the physical contact with him. He never lets me sleep touching him anymore, I'm lucky if I get a kiss and any kind of PDA is absent.
I also feel prettty crappy about myself. I don't have a complete wardrobe for now, I haven't been able to get up early enough to shower and dry my hair. I have no contact lenses, no rings and have rolls of fat on my stomach. Just about the time I think I am ok with that, I look in the mirror. I also believe that I smell. It has always been one of my hangups and though I have had BH tell me I needed a shower a couple of times since we've been married, I can't help feeling that way. I have also gone back to the two chocolate bars and chocolate milk everyday. I need to control myself with that and eat real food. I bit my arm today, though not hard enough to leave marks, I have never been able to do that. I did scratch my arm a bit with my fingernails, but again, not enough to leave major marks. I try to use any excuse to put it off. Examples: it's still too warm for long sleeves, I won't be able to work with the youth if I hurt myself, DS and BH are around and might catch me, my mom will know, the PT will know and ask, but none of them seem to be enough reason. Like S. said it is a kind of addiction, because I know if I cut myself I will feel a release and feel calmer for a while. It's just that I have to get the bad part out-the part that is attracted to this other man and the part that looks like a middle-aged woman. I just need to make it through tonight and then I hopefully will have the strength to make it through tomorrow.

Well, we made it through the first week of school. We all seem to be off to a good start. The holiday weekend was interesting. On Saturday, as I was showering, it suddenly hit me how J must feel. She must often feel the same way I do, nervous, not confident, not sure where to go or what to do next and wanting to make sure everyhting works out for the best. I guess I have thought that she always had everything going for her, but somehow I realized that the last couple of months have been a disaster for her, because with the breast cancer there is little under her control. She finished chemo last week and now will start radiation. Her doctor is confident that everything is under control and she will recover well. They have even found that it was a hormonal fluctuation that caused the cancer. We also believe that Lyme Disease she contracted while up here last summer made things move faster.

I have also been getting up early most mornings and riding the stationary bike for 10-20 minutes. It's a start. My great experiment with tapering off medication came to a disasterous close. After being on half doses for 5 weeks, I really lost my temper on three separate occasions. Brought back bad memories of verbal abuse inflicted on those around me. After a week back on I do actually feel better overall. My mother said that there are lots of people who must be on medicatio for the rest of their lives icluding those with diabetes or epilepsy. I was just kind of disappointed that all the anger management and calming exercises did not work well enough to keep me out of trouble. Oh well. I have also been eating very little junk food and eating three regular meals a day. I don't know what difference it wil make but at least I should be healthier.

Time for bed!

It is the late sixties. A young Black girl in the South. She is about 5 or 6 and is wearing a blue flowered dress and black patent leather shoes with a strap across the top and white socks. The man she is with can't be seen clearly but he is White and in his mid to late 20's and he drives a light blue late 60's pickup truck. They are in a set of fields with trees at the end behind the truck. The truck is on a dirt path with a bank to the driver's side with hay on it and another field above. They are at the front of the truck. The man kills the girl, and may have raped her.

If anyone who might read this and recognize this story I would appreciate a response. Thanks.

"Then she was all dark hair, hands in fists, Nia's nose and mouth. She came to me so slow, it was just like somebody brushed the air witha feather." the first part last by Angela Johnson.

I just finished reading the book "the first part last." It is an absolutely incredible story. The book is a fairly quick read but definitely not light reading. Angela Johnson's book, which won the Michael Prinz Award for Excellence in Young Adult Literature, is the moving story of a teenage dad. The story alternates between then, when Bobby's girlfriend Nia was pregnant and now, after the baby is born. The book leaves the reader with the mixed feelings of sadness and joy as Bobby makes the decisions that he believes will benefit his daughter, Feather, the most. I recommend this thought provoking book for more mature 14 and 15 year-olds and older.

The dining room is finally finished and it looks great! I don't plan on doing any more remodeling myself until at least December. I had the Youth group over tonight to bake cookies and have pizza. They are really a great group of kids and their parents are nice too. I really need to allow myself to get to know someone before I judge them. One of the parents I thought was not very nice, but she is great! She is very supportive of her kids and very generous, in many different ways) to others. During the afternoon it was all girls and they talked about school and teachers and I feel like they are very open about things and it is like I am one of them. This is what I really wanted, something I have missed out on for many years, since, as the librarian, I don't see any students long enough to get to know them. The ideas that they have, how they feel, they're just great kids.


Just as a little disclaimer, anything that resembles poetry here is usually written when I am still mostly asleep and therefore, may seem pretty out there, but makes sense at 2 AM. I have gone 6 weeks on half of the Paxil dose and am doing ok. Some of the coping habits I have learned I am using. As a matter of fact, I think I need to brush up on them, in particular mindfulness and calming habits. I am having difficulty with one thing which might sound amusing, but after four days is not! Somewhere on the Web I read something about Trannies. Judging from the context I believe this refers to transexuals. But I now cannot get the term Trannie Annie out of my head. It just keeps rolling over and over again. I need something else, perhaps the song It's a Small World. Oh well-it was a busy day, but my house is cleaned, the lawn is mown and I am really beat.

Dreamless morning

try to catch the tails of the dreams but they slip from my grasp
dry hair, dry clothes, calm breathing
thankful for a dreamless morning
the dreams, which did occur, are already forgotten, never to haunt my waking hours
a blanket of crickets chirping intertwined with the chameleon call of a mockingbird.

And the dining room continues... What should have been a very easy room to redecorate has turned into a major project. We are now on day 5 of preparing trim. The previous owners made some of their own renovations, which have meant that my father and I have had to improvise to get everything to fit right and look good. I am hoping to be finished by the weekend. There have also been endless appointments-physical therapy for my shoulder, my psymd, therapist, hair, dentist, DS's orthodontist, psymd, therapist, dentist, the vet for one cat, Wednesday night at the movies, phone calls trying to get my grade from the course I finished on May 30, it seems endless. Along with that has been the addition of one to two or three extra boys here everyday. I'm glad DS is making friends but it makes it difficult to finish anything!
I am so tired, I just want to sleep and not dream-they are much too troublesome and I am constantly bothered by the memories of them. I am having trouble telling between dream life and real life.
Just got my hair chopped off. After having been so slim all my life I never had long hair-so went the meds added 50 lbs, I figured what the heck. It was almost halfway down my back, but I couldn't comb it wet anymore and often had to cut knots out. Now chin length it looks great and feels great. I am starting to dress better and make my appearance better-I really need to take care of myself physically to feel better mentally.
Well, I'm starving and need to paint (more....).

I don't know what's going on. I have been very confused the past few days, unable to find the right words to use, substituting other unrelated words and not even always realizing it. I can't really concentrate on one thing, never mind more than one. I have also had a couple bouts of uncontrollable shaking, both at night and just now. I never know who to call-my md or my psychmd. Now there are only 3 weeks left to summer and I feel like I haven't relaxed at all. The money will be very tight until the first week in September and I feel like I have not handled the money well this summer. I am caught up on most of my work for school and church, but I haven't even finished reading a single book or gone to the beach!

Well, last night was pretty wild. I had been doing very well, even cutting the Paxil dose in half. I got through the funeral alright and Sunday went well. But last night was a hell night. Nightmares all night-terrible horrifying ones, not I went to work with no clothes on, but nightmares involving maiming, killing, sick to my stomach ones. I can't remember them this time, which I haven't decided is good or bad, but thinking about them now turns my stomach. These were mixed in with what my psychmd calls "waking dreams." Others might call them hallucinations. I have had these for years even before I was diagnosed. Some are pleasant-beautiful flowers growing from the walls, some are horrible-individuals intent on harming me, my husband, or my son. Last nights were of the latter. I only remember one, it was a glowing, writhing, colorful knot at the end of the bed which I could not get by without getting hurt. I have a very good husband who helps me wake up and calm down. I don't usually tell others about these, because they might think I was really off my rocker. When I finally woke up this morning I was sick to my stomach with a headache and fever, I'm hoping it was all a result of the fever.

I recently discovered a website where sterling silver ribbon pins can be purchased. Wearing these help raise awareness of mental illnesses and how common they are. (1 out of every 5 Americans will be treated for a mental disorder this year-which means you probably know 1 or 2.) The website is Narsad Artworks.

Val,

You were truly a good person. Your fellow teachers respected and liked you. You had a connection with your students that is not often seen. I am glad that your pain and suffering are gone, but without you there is one fewer light shining. I pray that God may allow you to support and guide your children as they grow. We were honored to know you and work with and I can only hope that somewhere in my soul a small part of you remains to give the strength and dignity you had. Thank you.

Nights are always the difficult time. After having spent so many years as an insomniac and with the horrible nightmares when I did sleep, I am afraid to not fall asleep. I tried an experiment for the last three weeks by cutting the amount of Klonopin from 1mg to 1/2 mg, then to none. After three weeks not sleeping and having nightmares I gave up. When I went to see Dr. S. we decided we would cut the Paxil in half to 10 mg. So far no anxiety or panic attacks and I am still able to lay still (since I never actually sat still until 4 years ago, this is an important thing for me. But even though my body is quiet, my mind is racing. After seeing how it felt to not be thinking and speaking at 78 RPM, it is hard to go back there. I am tempted to take extra Klonopin to help me sleep.

I cannot decide whether I want to see behind the door of my dreams (nightmares.) The door to the room which makes me wake up screaming in a cold sweat or wakes me with the idea there is someone in our bedroom. I think sometimes I would be better if I knew what was behind there, but then I wonder because the thought of the room is so terrifying. Even during the day thoughts of it make my stomach turn and my heartbeat faster. Lately my dreams have been about being captured by other people and/or other creatures that look like humans. I try to escape and wake up in a cold sweat. All I want to do is go to sleep and not remember any of what I dreamt, good or bad.

The house, the room, the door
Always on the second floor, often in the attic
Once in the house I know it's there
Trying to avoid it, my path always leads to it.
What is behind the door?
Some memory of unspeakable things done to me?
The knowledge of witnessing a terrible event?
An incident that only a small child would find terrifying, that the child within me still fears?
The house, the room, the door,
Always on the second floor.

I just got back from watching I, Robot. It was fantastic! The special effects were great, the actors fit the roles well and the storyline itself was great. It brought up a lot of issues for discussion-racism, what makes an individual an individual, do emotions equate to life, what does make humans human? The kids thought it was great too. I would definitely this movie to anyone.

Another good day! We cleaned the garage, I cooked a unique dinner when our grill died. It came out pretty good. Leftovers tomorrow night. I also reconciled the checking accounts, one of the last items to do after the pocketbook theft. Last week I left my pocketbook in the back of my car for no more than three minutes in the middle of the day at a store with lots of people around and they smashed my window and took my purse. Wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't had my palm in it with SplashId on it with no password because I was still working on it. So even though I keep no money and no credit cards in there, I still had to change everything. Oh well. Live and learn. My uncle recently died and I wrote this thank you to him.

Uncle,

I would like to thank you for all the things you taught me:

How to grow old gracefully and how to keep young by always trying new things.

How to always be a gentleman (woman) even when dealing with those who were not nearly as polite.

How to be kind and caring for the creatures God put on this earth as our companions, even when they might not be so gentle.

How to realize that I was capable of doing anything I put my mind to, as long as I was willing to take a risk.

How to tell a good story and how to listen to one told by a teller far less gifted.

How to maintain your dignity even when you lose a good engine and everyone is saying “I told you so!”

How to share your home and life so others could enjoy them as much as you.

How to love and teach children, no matter how many there were, even when none were “yours.”

Today was a great day! The weather was warm and breezy, BH was away at a muster, DS was at Boy Scouts.
I did three loads of laundry
The dishes
Clean, dusted, and vacuumed my entire office
Got all my paperwork in order.

I have now cut down on the Klonopin from 1mg to 0.5mg for one week. There have been difficult dreams/nightmares every night and I am not sure if it is related to the medication. I really have enjoyed a couple of months with no nightmares. I'll keep trying a bit and see how it goes.

Pysch, Part X

I ended my journal 4 years ago because my life was turned upside down when I learned that our landlord was selling the house we rented and we had to find a house and move within three weeks. BH. was unable to help since he was on active duty during the move, so basically my parents and T. and S. helped me. By the end of the summer things were getting under control and I had gotten out of the habit of journaling and didn't pick it up again until now. It has now been almost a year and half since I cut. This was a major triumph for me. I still go at least monthly to see a therapist (more often when things get rough-one of my older sisters had breast cancer and is undergoing chemo, one of my uncles fell into complete dementia and passed away two weeks ago, DS's spring at school was a total disaster between trying to find meds that worked as well as the Ritalin did, but wouldn't make him lose weight, and the budget crisis at work). I have been able to get a better view of life in general and I can deal with everyday upsets in a mostly calm and less insane way. While I still take five different meds-Seroquel, Klonopin, Paxil, Pamelor, and Strattera-I am starting to cut back on some of them slowly because I feel that I actually can do this.

After having read my journal I realize that it sounds like I am all doped up all the time. I am less hyper but just as active as I was before I was hospitalized. DS is now 12 and very active in sports and friends, I still work full-time, I work with the youth at our church, serve on the vestry, and have just completed 30 credit hours, which will either become a Sixth year Certificate in education or will be rolled into a PhD. program. I was always one of those parents who said that my child would never be on medication for his ADHD. After experiencing the difference the right medication can make, I have fought hard to get DS treated. I don't want him to end up in the same place I was four years ago.

I hide my mental illness less than I used to. I believe that there are few people out there who realize just how many people they know who have a mental illness they hide. These are people from all walks of life who rely on medication to keep the chemical balance in their brains. That is possibly one of the biggest pet peeves I have-a mental illness is like diabetes, which is also a chemical imbalance-and people need to realize this and not believe it is all made up or for attention. I lived for 30 years with horrible nightmares on sometimes a daily basis without ever telling anyone because I thought it was normal. I also have hidden my self-mutilation as best I could.

The only other thing I have to say is that my belief in God has grown stronger over the past few years. Four years ago I went to church on a Wednesday night for a healing service. I had my suicide planned for the following Tuesday. I spent nearly three hours in church crying and begging God for help, but I thought I was asking to help me commit suicide. The next day, Thursday, I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist and was admitted immediately after that. At the time I was angry because my prayers were not answered. I now realize God did answer my prayer and that is why I am still here today, enjoying my family and working hard to maintain my health as it is. Whatever you may call that being-(s)he is there!

I strongly believe that when we get things easily we don't fully appreciate them. The following Muslim poem sums it up for me:

I asked for Strength...
and Allah gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom...
and Allah gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity...
and Allah gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage...
and Allah gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love...
and Allah gave me Troubled People to help.

I asked for Favours...
and Allah gave me Opportunities

I received nothing I wanted, Yet, I received everything I needed.

My Prayere has been answered.

Psych, Part IX
Thursday, May 25th, 2000
The last week has had its ups and downs. I felt really bad yesterday afternoon but I took an extra Seroquel and then slept and I got through it. S. and Dr. P. both say that it will be hard getting through this but I have to go through it to get better. I feel ok or good more than I did for the past couple of months, but when I feel bad it is still really bad. Work has been good because I (we) have been working to get all the books rebarcoded so it will make inventory easier and I have to concentrate on that, but when I get out of work I think about things and my mind starts thinking about all the things I need to do and how I won't have enough time to do them. I also get angry and upset about the way I am feeling. People tell me it will get better buth they haven't been through it and I wonder how many people don't actually get through it. I have now put on 8 lbs-almost all in my belly. I thought I wouldn't mind but I do. My hips and thighs are also "looser" than they were. It's not bad enough that I have to feel bad, then middle age starts to kick in. This weekend will be the first time I will be with alot of my family-it will be interesting to see what happens. Most of the time I am ok with babies but I still get some pangs when I think about it.

Tuesday, May 30, 2000
As I am watching this show, I'm having alot of different feelings. I am angry because the show has been on and people might know what I have done. People who try to kill themselves or who hurt themselves are crazY! They make it look so romantic but it's not. She talked about her mother doing things and buying things but only trying to be a good mom and I think thta is probably how I am. I also understand about the control-when I don't have razors or pills I feel like I have no control, but when I have them it is my decision. I also know that in the movie everything will turn out all right and I don't know if it will for me. My family has been good about making me not feel guilty about how I have made them fell but I still feel bad. And when I think aobut what made me like this and think it might have something to do with Memere it makes me feel worse. I have felt better for the past week but today (tonight) I have felt really bad. I probably shouldn't be watching this but I have to because I keep thinking it will help me somehow but maybe it will only make things worse. It says that the medicine will not give her side effects which isn't true. She seems so wimpy, I wonder if that is what I'm like-I guess I probably am. The movie said that self-injury can cause psychological damage but I though it was a symptom not a cause?

Psych, Part VIII
Monday, May 1st
The weekend went well. I felt good and was able to do some studying and yard work. On Friday I talked to S. about some things that had been bothering me and I felt better having told her. She wants me to write down when I have irrational thoughts. I am also supposed to write down how I feel if I cut myself. Today has been a little distressing. One of "our parents" died last week and the funeral was today. Many students and teachers attended. It bothered me hearing about it. I was bothered when C. and S. were talking about alcholics they knew. I made all tense inside. Since I had little interaction with anyone things went ok, thought Saturday morning I did condsider the Ativan but chickened out. I only had an urge to cut once when I was at my parents' house. Something about being there on a spring day bothered me.

Friday night we went to a dance at [elementary school]. I had a short-sleeved shirt and worried that people would see my wrist but noone seemed to notice. BH and I had a good time dancing.

Saturday, May 6
On the whole I felt really good this week and was able to get a lot done. I decided I will be doing my presentation next Wednesday. I also got a lot of weeding done at school. However things got tougher on Thursday and Friday and I cut myself with a razor on Friday afternoon.

We had been out every night doing one or another and on Thursday I took the day off to take DS to see N. Then I cleaned the first floor, went shopping and did some gardening. then we had the group over for a BBQ. By 8:30 I was really tired. but instead of sleeping well I had a terrible nightmare all night. I don't remember all. In one I went to go outside and it was sunny and in a forest but it was very white foggy and something in the fog was terrifying. the other dream involved me being in the hospital again. But it wasn't Natchaug. There was something about some kind of killer but that was ok. At one point I saw a dismembered body and that was ok, but the second time I woke up screaming. The women's head and arms were on a stove like the old one we had. Her arms were placed on the correct side palms up and her head was near the front edge facing the back of the stove so her very long blond braid could fall to the floor. In another place was her torso and legs (still attached) but there were 5 cuts going diagonally across her torso. I didn't sleep much after that. Yesterday was busy, I didn't feel well and it started getting really hot, then I had a dispute with a teacher. by the time I got home I was too uupset and I took a disposable razor apart and cut myself five times. The first four were not deep enough. Then last night when I tried to go to sleep-the image of the woman's head kept coming back and then it started turning to say something and the eyes were white. A couple of times it changed tto someone else's head including Dr. S'. and DS's. Thinking about it today still gives me chills and makes me jumpy. I did finally get to sleep and don't remember my dreams.


Wednesday, May 17
I haven't written in a long time. I have been feeling ok-not great just kind of here. Lots of people have said I look good, I just wish I felt as good as I look. I have now gained eight lbs and have been out in the sun abit. Last Saturday we were received into the Episcopal Church. It was a very nice ceremony. On Sunday we were recognized in church and received a mass book. It has been very busy at work. I seem to be finding myself frustrated and unable to deal with it. Yesterday I cut myself and while I do not necessarily feel like killing myself. I don't really care. The cuts yesterday were almost not enough and I had very strong urge to slash from my wrist to my elbow or my throat. Then again today things were bad again, but I did not follow through on any thing. I am not sure if I should call the doctor or not. I feel really crazy for having these feelings. I am angry with myself and that only makes things worse.

Psych, Part VII
Sunday, April 16
I am on the second day of new medication. It seems ok though I am really drowsy in the morning and I can feel the medicine as it the level drops. One of them has made my blood pressure lower. I have been moved out of the observation unit and now am in a regular room. That bothered me at first but I am feeling a little better about that now. The room is nice with two sets of drawers, a wardrobe an desk. the view from the window is another part of the building but that is ok. I have been a bit angrier this time because part of me feels like I shouldn't be here because so many of the others are from more difficult backgrounds than I am. Sometimes that makes me feel more guilty.

I suddenly feel like I can't handle anything which definetly not how I have been up until this point in my life. I may not have handled it well-but I always handled it. I need to believe that I can get back to that point and want to get back there. Right now it seems very comfortable being here-having others watch out for me, not having to deal with life and any of its responsibilities and that can't continue. Either I have to get better or I have to kill myself and I think deep down I want the former and just need to be more patient.

Monday, April 17
I am really agitated and angry. One fo the patients has continually disrupted every session today. I did speak up about this but I am not sure whether or not this will be address with him. then I am pretty angry about A's behavior. I realize that she is ill, but then we all are, yet she continually has to have the limelight. She has lots of stuff and makes sure that she offers it to all her buddies. Though I try not to let this bother me it does make me fell left out. Then I just watched her completely ignore another patients' attempts to get to speak to a doctor. I know she's excited about getting out but she's being a real pain.

Well writing and talking to B has calmed me down a bit. The doctor has added one more dose of Seroquel to see if it will take care of my afternoon problems. They have also put me on a special diet to make sure I am getting enough to eat.

The other thing that would probably help would be some constant nice weather. It keeps getting hot and cold and it seems to always be raining.

Tuesday, April 18
I just realized I stopped soing my three things, it got to be too much. It's alot quieter today
because C left. She was very kind and kind of watched out for everyone. I just spoke to the doctor and he said I may be getting out tomorrow. I feel pretty good this morning and feel like I might be ready to go home and take care of things. I need to discuss with P. that I can't go back to "norma" so quickly. He'll need to help me with bills and stuff a little more.

Saturday, April 22
I left the hospital on Wednesday. I am feeling better this time. The medication does not make me quite as drowsy as the other did. I also have (hopefully) more realistic expectations of what things will be like. Last time I expected everything to be back to normal but it didn't happen that way and it won't be that way this time either. Thursday and Friday I didn't do much of anything but bills. Today we cleaned the first floor. It was the first real cleaning I have done in a while.

On Wednesday before I left we had a "women's group." During the session one of the other patients talked about how could she get out of the cycle of being homeless and on the streets. She has been in foster homes since she was 9 or 10 (she's 19 now). She also described how as an 8 yr old she would be terrified if her mother left for work before she was awake. (She had to get herself ready for school.) When she was talking about this I suddenly realized how DS would feel if I were to kill myself. DS had been raised with yelling and that this needs to change.

Monday, April 24th
I spent much of the day at work trying to upgrade software. I felt pretty good today. Not too sleepy or confused. However I went grocery shopping and thought about suicide again. I also didn't do very well-I forgot part of what I was supposed to buy. BH mowed the lawn and I raked it. I was pretty tired after dinner.

Tuesday, April 25th
I have been drowsy and addled today. I have gotten better as the day has progressed but am still not really with it. B. said I looked really good. I only wish I felt as good as I look. I am supposed to choose a psychiatrist today. I hate the thought of doing this. Dr. P. is really nice, but I also see S.'s point about Dr. S. knowing me better. Dr. M. agreed that he is probably a better choice too. I feel like I have been put in a spot.

Psych, Part VI
Tuesday, April 4th
I need to catch up since Friday. When I saw S. she suggested a book to get to read which I picked up last night. I feel a little funny about reading like somehow if I read it I wiil get in on some kind of secret and I won't get better. Saturday we did some cleaning. It was really nice out and while BH and DS ran errands I got a little gardening done and I read two chapters for class. Over the weekend I decided I will accept a place in the Master's program. Saturday night we went to Mom and Dad's for dinner and cake and coffeee. I got some very nice things. Sunday we went out to dinner with my parents and BH.'s bothers and Dad and E. It was very nice. I didn't think I would like it as well as I did. BH. did some very nice things for me this weekend. I just wish I could be better for him.

Yesterday I was very agitated all day. I did get some work done and at home I picked up a bit and did laundry. I also did the grocery shopping. While I was shopping I bought razorblades. I was a little nervous about buying them, I thought someone would know what they were for, but just having thme made me feel better, like I had some control back. I did cut myself, I'll have to be careful, because they cut very easily.

Today, I am feeling better than I did yesterday. I am a bit self-conscious about my arm because I am wearing something short-sleeved, but noone has said anything. I am a bit worried about what will happen when I go see Dr. P. on Thursday. I am going to try to make arrangements in case I have to go back to the hospital. It's somewhat comforting to thnk about going back but I wouldn't want all that medication again. I'll just have to see what happens.

Saturday, April 8th
I haven't been taking time for myself or writing everyday. I cut myself again on Tuesday night. DS had gone to visit with A. I cut pretty deep and it took me about 15 minutes to get it to stop bleeding. On Wednesday, the school nurse put a butterfly bandage on it. When I went to see Dr. P. on Thursday he made a good point. I cut myself because I was angry because I couldn't get things done for BH and DS but cutting myself did not make that better. I gave him the blades and felt safer. On Friday S. pointed out that cutting was an addiction like a drug. Even though they wer both right I still have wanted to cut myself and today I felt like killing myself. I am feeling better-the thoughts are not constand but they do come and go. If I cut myself again I am supposed to write down the "trail" of thoughts that lead to cutting. When we got home from the Pinewood Derby I had a snack then went for a bike ride. It was really hard getting up the hill and now it is too windy and BH will come get me but it did help the bad feelings go down a bit. Sometimes I feel like a little kid. I passes a student who graduated in January. As I passed her I thought how mature and stable she seems. Even at school I always felt that she was the adult and I was the child. I really envy her. I have tried to pinpoint what makes me feel so bad but I just start thinking about one thing and it leads to another until it is too overwhelming and I feel like I can't stand it anymore.

My mother asked if she could talk to S. about what I have. I haven't told her the new diagnosis, I don't really want to. I feel very ashamed of it, like I can't control myself like other adults do.

I felt bad for S. this week. She seemed to have a busy week and seemed tired. I felt bad telling her all this stuff since she had such a week. I feel like I am always complaining and never finding anything good but there to be some good things. This morning as we were leaving Foxy climbed a tree to catch something and then jumped down again. It was pretty funny to watch. She's really a good cat and spends a lot of time with me. Skittles is good too but she is much more independent.

It has felt good sitting in the sun all day. I stopped by the stream on the way up and listened for a while. It was very soothing and I was tempted to take my shoes and socks off and put my feet in because the water didn't feel too cold.

I just saw someone I know (but don't recognize) with her two boys (about 2). A wave of darkness came over just like earlier today at the Derby with all those people seeming so happy and normal like I want to be again! Nobody has any idea how bad I feel and none understand. I just want to know that this will get better!

Wednesday, April 12
The week has not been good. I am finding it more difficult to concentrate on anything. Monday I went shopping and bought more razors. Today has been the first day I have really felt like cutting myself. On Monday evening I spent about an hour with my Ativan debating whether or not to take it. I felt there were few things left to do. I am more prepared today. I am still not sure I have enough to do more than put me ina comea-I was angry with Dr. P on Monday because he only gave me 14.

I got more reading done and have completed my application acceptance. However I don't believe I will be able to do my presentation next week as scheduled. Since DS stated taking his allergy medicine he seems much better. He is sleeping better and his attitude is better. BH is getting nervous about work again. They will have a meeting on Friday when he will find out what is going on. I didn't handle that as well as I would have liked last time and this time I am not sure I can handle it all. I feel like everything at home is back to normal except me. I don't wnat to have to think about things like the bills, insurance, etc. It's just all too frustrating. And then I come to work and feel like I do little. I am not really teaching. I doubt I am affecting any of the kids.

I know I shouldn't cut but right now it is the only way I can feel better. I don't know what I'll do at S.'s today. If I tell her she will take these things from me and I won't have control again.

R. said he thought if I killed myself that God would still love me but he thought I would have be held accountable for what happened here. I don't think it would be too bad here-people would get along without me. I just want to leave a few instructions so things go smoothly.

Thursday, April 13
I am back at Natchaug which is good because I feel safe. I know that I can't really follow through on thoughts of hurting myself. I'm angry with myself for not following through and I am still having trouble with givving S. the pills. Right now it is nice just to sit and not have to think.

Friday, April 14
They have let me off constant observation so I will be able to go down and get dinner and go out on the unit I met with Dr. S today and along with changing my meds (again) he also said a couple of things which seemed to make sense and have put a little twinge into me. First he said that it sounded like I was feeling a little sorry for myself and he's right. He also said I have to work on getting better. He said it won't be easy, but I have to do it. I guess the first thing made more of an impression. I need to adapt to things and get going or I will never be back to where I used to be or maybe I don't want to be and that's the whole point.

Psych Part V
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
I am feeling a little better today. I am still upset but I am thinking about accepting their offer of a place as a Master's student. (If only to show them I CAN do it.) I am still thinking about the diagnosis I have been given of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I have questions to ask S. Like how did I get it, will it go away, etc. Later today I am taking G. W. , and N. to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. R. is coming along to help. It should be fun. We had a good time at the restaurant. The boys thought it was neat. When we got home I slept for a bit then went to L.'s.
1. I napped for awhile.
2. When a woman got upset at another table because the boys were rambunctious I decided it was her problem since if she wanted quiet she should not be eating there.
3.I get along well with children.

Wednesday, March 29, 2000
Well I made it through yesterday ok but today was not so great. My appointment went fine and the specialist said I don't have to go back. Then I went to the church to organize the their library. That was peaceful. I went home, got laundry going and cut myself. I was very angry and had trouble cutting myself well. I was afraid I would cut too far and DS. had violin lesson. I also had class last night. I thought alot today abot hurting myself and wish it would stop.
1. I organized the church library.
2. I didn't handle my anger today-I cut myself to let some out.
3. I am good at organizing things.

Thursday, March 30, 2000
I am still not feeling well. I found where BH. hid the Ambien and considered bringing them with me. I am afraid to call S. to tell her how I feel because I am afraid I'll have to go to the hospital again. I have gotten some work done at school today but I don't quite feel like myself. I am moving and thinking slowly which is frustrating to me. Dr. P. called and changed my prescriptions. Now I am only going to be taking 1/2 Ativan twice a day. Hopefully I won't sleep as much. When I got home I took a nap and felt better. I did some laundry and cleaned up. I also balanced the checkbook. I still went to bed early.
1. Napped a long time.
2.
3.

Friday, March 31
It would have been very easy this to take the Ambien. I had them in my hand but changed my mind. I wanted to cut myself but couldn't cut hard enough. In spite of all that I feel pretty good. It's really bright and sunny and I feel more alert than I have. I won't be taking Ativan until Noon. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. but I am not quite sure what to say.

Memere,
I am not sure what to say in this letter. I remember a few things about you but not very well. I only know how you looked from pictures. I would have liked the opportunity to get to know you better. I understand you were a fun person. I know you worked hard and took good care of your children. I have heard many stories about you from cousins and Aunts and Uncles and am jealous that they had the chance to know you when you were well. I guess alot of what I remember about you scary. The doctors, priests and the arguments must have been upsetting to me. I also remember playing with you in your hospital bed and watching TV. That is a good memory.

Anger-Things that make me angry
Not being able to do things I could do last year (concentrate, remember, etc.)
Not being able to help as much with stuff and G.
Not being able to do work as well
Feeling like hurting myself
Not caring about what is happening to others
Being selfish
Not lying well enought to hide what I want to do.
When people take away my ability to hurt myself.
How this all bothers my family.

Psych, Part IV
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Today was ok. I did lots of little tings and spent time with DS. I have forgotten most of it because I didn't write on Sunday.

Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Coming back to work yesterday was alright. People were very kind and several offered help if I needed it. I didn't get much done, bit I did go through my mail and work on some new equipment. When I got home we took DS to go rollerbladng but he was too crabby and it got cold.
1. I took a long hot bath and just relaxed.
2. I found myself very irritated with DS and started to yell. I took a step back, caught my breath and calmed down (but I was still angry with him.)
3. I like the color of my skin.

Tuesday, March 21, 2000
This has been a difficult morning. I left without my calend and keys. I really wish I had taken Amien with me. I am feeling very frustrated, very agitated and very angry right now. I can't do things at home because I'm too tired and I have only been able to read for my course one day, If I wasn't useless before, I certainly am now!

I began to feel better after seeing Dr. P. I guess I was very anxious about seeing him. After I get a blood test done, I will be changing medications which will hopefully get rid of some of the side effects. I spent some time at the mall for a bit, then went home.
1. I spent about 10 minutes at the pet store petting and talking to Zach the Macaw.
2. Nothing to get angry about over today but the anxiety and thoughts of cutting myself were overwhelming.
3. I get along with most other people.

Wednesday, March 22 and Thursday March 23, 2000
Wednesday was a pretty poor day. Today was not much better. There were times each day I thought how terrible it would be for DS and BH if I slit my wrists. but I am still very frustrated by my inability to work the way I used to. My thinking and memory are not as sharp as they were and I know it! I forget things, I have trouble concentrating when people speak to me and I often have to ask them to repeat what they said. At work I am only able to get done what needs to be done for the day and can do little over and above the basics. Dr. P. said I need to have patience in all of this since I didn't become sick over night, I also can't get better overnight. He also said I need to distract myself when I feel like cutting myself. But I have found this hard. I have had a strong urge since yesterday to cut myself and have it off, though I did scrape a little. The elastic band is just not the same.

One of the bad things about all of this is my inability to "feel" much of anything. Yesterday I found out that a who has been best friends with my mom and our family since they were in high school has a bone cancer. I should have been very upset, yet I felt nothing. I don't know if this the medication or the depression.
1. I sleep alot at home.
2. I was able to handle a situation with three students. When I started to get upset I took a breath and spoke firmly but calmly to them. Their teacher ended up the one who blew a gasket.
3. I like the way I feel when I hug DS or BH they make me feel content and safe.

Friday, March 24, 2000
I felt really good today. I was more alert than I have been. I was able to do some work at school. It was really warm and a bunch of us ate in the courtyard. My appointment with S. was ok. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After the appointment I was a little angry because S. had me read this journal and now I have give BH the Ambien to give me when I need it. I guess there is some part of me that doesn't really want to die since I have told her this. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. I also was angry because I had this new diagonese, and I can't really look it up until Monday.
1. I fell asleep about 7:30.
2. This morning a woman was upset with me because she wanted to get by my car but couldn't. She kept blowing her horn. I got a little angry and I did blow my horn back but then realized it was a stupid little thing and let it go.
3. I have a good sense of humor.

Saturday, March 25, 2000
We spent a good part of the day in Mystic to watch the launch of the Amistad. It was nice but not as exciting as I hoped it would be. We got cold and we went to the Aquarium.
1. I bout a nice red soft sweatshirt for myself. (And one for DS.)
2. I was very nervous about getting to the Seaport but BH listened and we parked and walked which made me feel better.
3.

Sunday, March 26, 2000
We had a visit with J and S. It was Noah's birthday. We went as a courtesy but were not particularly excited about being there.
1.
2.
3.

Monday, March 27, 2000
Today has been a very bad day. I felt strong urges to cut myself, but I have to wait until after tomorrow night when we do DS's birthday. When I read my email there was one from Dr. B. telling me I was not accepted into the Phd program because I didn't have the right background. I feel like the last goal has been ripped out from under me. I was angry with them, I am angry with myself for getting sick, I am angry with myself for telling S. about the sleeping pills and with S. for making me give them to BH I could not think of anything else all day. I did nothing for myself today and once again did nothing with my other goals.

Psych Part III
Wednesday, March 15 2000
Yesterday and Monday I didn't write because I was busy and I was too tired at the end of the day. On Monday I went shopping with my Mom for DS's birthday. It was fun, I had my mom take me because I didn't feel comfortable driving. We also had a meeting with the school psychologist about DS. He does not have a learning disability, he does not have ADD or ADHD, but he is gifted (96-99%.) B. also said he does have a somewhat difficult personality and recommended we consult with a clinical psychologist. We are waiting a bit before we do anything about this. Though both days were better than they have been, I have still had some thoughts of hurting myself. Yesterday was worse because I was alone all day. I talked myself out of it. But this morning I actually took a shower without thinking about cutting myself. I am not going to write more about the meds because I am taking them like I am supposed to. For the three other goals:
1. I bought myself a new dress and spending time with my Mom was good.
1. I planted peas and sweet peas.
2. I did not get angry
2. BH. signed up for a new credit card. I was angry but after I TALKED to BH and we decided to keep it.
3.
3. I do special things for DS.


Thursday, March 16, 2000
Yesterday morning may have been great but the day grew worse as it went along. I really had a struggle not cutting myself. I have also thought that my birthday would be a good day to commit suicide. I could leave on the same day I came here. I am also hoping that by then the medication and counseling will be to a point that I will not go through with my plan.

Friday, March 17, 2000
I went for a bike ride to campus yesterday. It felt good. I was however drawn to the stream along the way. I can't understand why running water makes me feel like it does. I could actually picture myself calmly going to sleep and not waking up again. I'm not constantly thinking about suicide or hurting myself, but it does come up often. I keep waiting for these thoughts and feelings to go away. I guess I need to work on this. I also need to let the baby thing go. For two years everything I have done has focused on "the baby." My eating habits, vitamins, exercising was all done to make sure that if I got pregnant the baby would be ok and somewhere along the line it became me that was not ok. I will be doing (at least trying) things for me. I went to Borders last night it was nice just to be there alone and look at anything I wanted to .
1. I went for a bike ride and I went to Borders alone.
2.
3. I am polite.


Saturday, March 18, 2000
Last night we went to Husky Blues to hear G. play. It was nice. I got the chance to talk to D. and JT. Today I went to my parents to download some software for my PalmPilot. Then D., Mom, PG, and I went to the Marlborough Barn. It was a nice afternoon. Right now I am feeling pretty low. I know that the drugs have changed me. I am quieter, talk less, and sit still. However I find it frustrating that I can't always think or speak as clearly as I used to. I also forget things and this really bothers me. I think what it will be like on Monday with everyone asking me where I've been I almost wish no one noticed that I was gone. I am not sure how well I will be able to do my job. Even though I like my job I feel how unimportant it is. I am just very sad tonight (I forgot to feed the bunny.) My hip hurts alot and my breasts are swollen and tender. I just want to be away from it all. I'm really tired too!

[Few people actually noticed I was gone, one of the medications made my joints hurt and another caused me to lactate. While I could have made some extra money as a wet nurse, it was a bit unsettling. I stopped both medications and everything cleared up.]

Psych Hospital, Part II

Thursday, March 9, 2000
I feel much better today than I have in a while. By last night things seemed to be better but this morning I am kind of restless. R. came by yesterday and gave me communion and talked for a while which was nice. I also had the opportunity to read one of the books he gave me-it was good and has some interesting insights. J. also sent me a bunch of stuff, magazines, cookies, etc. In group yesterday people talked about some things that made alot of sense to me. Much of the time I think that there is not much I do well and I was remembering how I have always been the "dippy" one, the one who didn't quite get things right. I think I probably need to start thinking about things I do well and change how I think about the things I don't believe I do well. I had said a couple of days ago that for a goal I was going to write 3 things that I did well or liked about myself, so I guess now would be a good time to do that.
1. I help others when they need it.
2. I work well with gardening.
3. I enjoy working with animals

In the afternoon yesterday we had anger management and I realized (once again) that I do not hand anger well. Often when someone does something that upsets me I find some way to turn my anger at them to myself-I always make it my fault.

I am supposed to go home tomorrow. Earlier today I felt good but now I am feeling pretty nervous. Before dinner I was reading to one of the other patients and she got upset. I felt really responsible but I have tried to make myself believe that it wasn't. One of the mental health care workers was very mean to her earlier today and they changed some of her routines. Then BH and Mom came by to talk about what will happen and how they can help me when I leave. Now I am very anxious and can't seem to calm myself. I asked earlier for an extra dose of medicine but they asked me to wait to see if my regular medicine would work-it hasn't.

I guess I realize that this isn't a minor thing. In some ways my life will never be the same. I have to change things, I have to do some catch-up on things and I will need to be more vigilante to make sure I don't get as far depressed as I have been.

Friday, March 10, 2000
It's Friday night and I am at home again. The past week has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I met people from many different backgrounds and discovered a very important lesson-we are all human and susceptible to the same highs and lows in life. I really have a very different perspective on those suffering from subtance abuse. While the thought of coming home was scary, I am feeling fairly comfortable. I know the feeling won't last, but I am going to try and remember things I have learned this past week. In order to get well and stay well I need to do the following:
1. Take meds.
2. Take time for me (15 minutes or more).
3. Control my anger.
4. Learn to love myself

I will try to record what I have done each day to meet the last three goals. Today I spent time quietly in my room thinking about coming home, I maintained a calm demeaner when dealing with DS realized that my ability to organize helps keep the family together. I also felt gratitude and blessings in the form of BH and DS I need to be thankful for all my family and friends.

Sunday, March 12, 2000
Last night I had a little problem with thoughts of cutting myself. It was a little overwhelming at the coffee hour after church. There seemed to be too many people. I also had some trouble during a presentation by R. There were lots of images of the crucifixition. E. and J came down for DS's birthday. She is always very good to DS In addition to a gameboy game (Pokemon Pinball) we went to Toys R Us. DS got rollerblades and so we could go together, I got a pair myself. We tried them out and they seem great. Today I:
1. Took all my meds, but left out the one for stiff joints since I wasn't feeling too stiff.
2. I have yet to take my 15 minutes, but I am going to try some knitting.
3. I was firm with G. when he was pushing playing with his stuffed animal in church. I didn't yell, I just removedif and put it in the pew and warned him I would take it away for the day. No problem after that.
4. Getting roller blades was good for me because I can take them with me and go skating on campus.

[These proved to be more than I could do and eventually they went to the swap shop.]

Since I can be reasonably certain this blog won't give away who I am, I have decided it would be a good place to put a journal I began while being treated for depression and other things. It will probably sound selfish, foolish, and just plain crazy to anyone who has never had a mental illness. But for some it will probably sound all too familiar. It has been over 4 years since I was hospitalized and in many ways my life is better. The night before being admitted I spent an hour or so at Church, asking God to help me. I had everything planned for the following Tuesday. I was supposed to go to a house party (tupperware, something.) By the time anyone realized I wasn't at home or at the party, I would be dead. Now I look back and think that God did answer my prayers and put me in the hospital. But sometimes it gets to be too much and right now is one of those times. I am hoping that reading and transcribing this will help me now.


Monday, March 6, 2000
Thursday night seemed surreal. Waiting for hous in my work clothes. Saying goodbyes to DS and BH at their office and going to my appointment. Dr. P. was nice but I was upset with his almost immediate suggestion that I go to N.-he even took my keys away. Then there was the wait to get there. It was very difficult to sign the papers admitting myself. Then questions, questions and more questions. Each time a new person, a new set of questions. Everything I owned was searched. Finally I got a bed-only to have another patient go out of control and spend the next 4 or so hours screaming. Eventually I slept a little.

Friday morning brought more of the same. Breakfast, tests, questions and then group meetings. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to participate in anything. My medication was changed. By Friday afternoon I began to feel more a part of the hospital (which in a way is scary because part of me doesn't believe I belong here. However there have benn many moments when I feel the anger and agitation and both yesterday and today cut myself. I feel like I'm being sucked into a whirlpool and I just want to hit bottom so I can start climbing out.

Everything revolves around that magic day-the day of discharge. Lots of jokes, tears, and arguments involved.

Medication seems to be another important aspect of the day. No one yet has refused meds and I assume that they, like me, hope to get some or any relief from the magic pills. Normally I do not take medication, but here I make sure I am one of the first to mine and that they are working well. Anything that will stop my racing mind, lesson the ever present thoughts of cutting myself or slitting my wrists and watching the blood drain away. Even at night I have accepted sleeping pills which will put me int a deep quick sleep and leave me from my own thoughts. I REALLY want the whirlpool to stop.

Tuesday, March 7, 2000
Each time I think I have hit bottom-I find one more way to sink lower. Yesterday I was so desparate to cut my wrist-but I did tell the doctor. They gave me an extra Atavan which helped a bit but I still ended up cutting myself while under observation. They took my paperclip away and gave me a rubberband to snap. It wasn't much of a substitute. In the afternoon the doctor changed my medication again and gave me something called Resparin (sp?). I was pretty tired last night but today I have felt pretty good. I haven't felt a strong urge to cut myself and just now for the first time actual felt like looking forward to planting flowers. It was the first time in months that I haven't felt dead inside.

The doctor talked about me going home which kind of scares me because while I feel good now I worry that I may not be ready and since I know I have no problem cutting myself I'm afraid I would slit my wrists if I felt bad again.

Well couldn't make it through the afternoon without extra medication. I spoke to the counselor about writing an "obituary" for the child I can't seem to have the thoughts of dealing with the painful emotions has made me very anxious. I will try to write this later.

In group earlier today I shared the fact I feel more comfortable here. I don't have to go around hiding my feelings and acting like everything is ok. Other people here actually understand how I feel. They know the cutting relieves the anger and how the deadness hurts. They understand that no matter how many people care about you, when you are feeling worst you can't comprehend that and it has no effect.

In second group today we discussed being assertive. I think I am probably much too passive most of the time and then change it to aggression at home. I need to learn to be honest about my feelings and stand up for my rights and needs while respecting others. Others (the group counselors) said this would probably be uncomfortable but I am going to try.

Wednesday, March 8, 2000
Last night was a terrible night. I had trouble sleeping and when I asked to have a snack I was denied and treated like a child. I was already upset and had all sorts of things running through my head and my anxiety level just grew until I was so angry. I ended up cutting myself again. First thing this morning I spoke to the Dr. I toldhim a lot of things I didn't realized were bothering me. I need to learn to deal with my anger and frustration better. I think I probably also need to make sure I have more time for myself. I want to work really hard to try and be out of here by Monday. Even though I still feel bad-I really do need to get to be with my family.

I did write about Sophie-It was very emotional and caused a lot of anxiety but I think if felt alot better. I will try reading it again later to see how I feel about what I wrote.

Sophie
Sophie Annette: You were born with lots of dark hair and those newborn blue eyes. You were small and thin but healthy, just like your brother. Even though G. protested, he loved you and helping with you. As you grew your hair turned lighter and your eyes changed to match your dad's eyes. You smiled often and enjoyed being with people. The stubborn streak that seems to be a family trait was quite apparent. You loved getting dirty and being outside and as you began to crawl and walk you alway's managed to get into brother's stuff. You grew quickly and continued to annoy your brother, though through all the fights and arguing it was apparent that you loved one another. Your freckled face and short dark hair combined with your lovely green eyes created a unique and beautiful little girl. You grew to be questioning and independent, sometimes to the point of trouble. You experienced many of the trials and tribulations of being a teenager but survived these all right to be a confident, self-assured, happy adult.

Sophie, though I never met you, I have held you in my arms a thousand times. I know what you smell like, what your face looks like when your nursing and how warm and soft your fingers are on my hand. I know what it looks like when your brother helps you learn to walk and you often play and wrestle and even fight together. I can see running outside in the summer barefooted in a a little green dress and watch you pick dandelions for me. I have seen your daddy holding you and playing with you and watching you proudly. I have watched you grow from a spindly legged little girl into a graceful attractive women. Sophie-though I will probably never meet you I will always love you with all my heart.

[Since that time I have seen in a dream a toddler Sophie wave goodbye and take the hand of some unknown relative and walk away to some other place.]

Where does all the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, powerlessness go? I can't seem to figure it out. The only ways that I can feel that I have SOME control over my life are the ways I have fought for several years-scratching, cutting, biting, overdose-the urges I have fought against for almost two years. It just seems like too much, the lack of enthusiasm and interest my advisor shows in my degree work, the fear of spending the rest of my career as a high school librarian if I don't get into the Phd program. Uncle who looks so frail that I am almost afraid to touch him. Sister's breast cancer, which no matter how much I believe she'll be ok, still worries me and the jealousy over the open, outward, and deserved help and empathy she has received which was so lacking when I was so deep inside the whirlpool, I couldn't see the light. And now, it is as if nothing ever happened to me and I am perfectly fine. That, along with my shame at feeling that way is added to the struggle I watch my son going through in school and trying to make sure he doesn't end up like me. My husband, who is wonderful, but who has shown no more interest in me in the past couple of years than a brother would. I know he wants that little 97 lb girl he married 16 years ago, but it is just not going to happen and I don't know how to handle that with him. Then there are my mother and father who are caring for my uncle and my sister and how thin my mother has become and how white my father's hair is. Will she have more seizures or will she get sick when this is all over? People tell me that I take on too many things, too many worries that I have no control over, but it seems like i have control over nothing accept the cutting which would offer such sweet relief. I use any excuse I can from having to wear long sleeves to work, to not being able to work with the youth. And the guilt that I am still not strong enough to handle things that others find so easy to slip by. Even not eating or eating too much makes no difference since my medication determines my weight. I have felt so sick since sister and the teacher and paraprofessional cuts, and then the school stuff, and DS that all I have been able to eat is cereal and a bit of fruit. I just want to know how normal people handle all of this. I keep it together at work, at school, even with my family, but the stones of all these things are sitting in my heart and soul and I feel as though I will burst if I don't find a way through.

The stroke, quick and neat.
The string of pearls, round and red.
Quick, they must go before they slide from their string.
Clean, a new string forms, round and red.

Anger, hatred, disappointment.
Scratch, cut, bite-No, not those, not today.
Rx-Yes, just one kind or maybe two.
Soft, sleepy, detachment as it
all slips away, saturating mind and soul.
Sweet confusion, dullness, lethargy.

Dementia. A word that seems medieval, and brings to mind images of ranting, violent murderous madmen. But I know that is not what it is. It is quiet and slow and creeps up on its victims until it has a hold of them, a hold so strong it will continue to vine its way through their mind and soul until it has choked everything that made them who they are out. Its insidious, showing its true self in time for its victims to know it has them and what it will do to them. Fear and anger overwhelm the victims, as they realize they are losing themselves to it. As the dementia wraps its coils tighter and tighter, the fear and anger are turned to those who care for its victims, making them victims as well as they watch their loved ones slowly suffocate in its grip. Eventually, a look into the eyes of the demented reveals not a lunatic, but an empty slate, wiped clean. Once in a while a little bit of who they were sneaks out, “These flowers, they’re called butter and sugar flowers, they always grew in our yard when I was a child,” “I know I don’t get everything right, but I really try hard,” “Louise, they must have buried her here in her urn the way she wanted.”

Where do the souls of the victims go? Does god have a special place for them? Perhaps their souls drift among the living, helping them remember who they were. A sudden memory of being allowed to hide in the closet among the many old clothes that smelled so different and were from another era, a game of hopscotch with a Nana who has served as a surrogate grandmother for many years, a go cart built together, a love of animals instilled through the kindness shown to any stray. I pray that God has a special place for these souls until they may enter heaven, because he has left us their bodies to teach us patience and kindness and how to give them the dignity they deserve as we watch them slowly slip away.