Well here it is three and a half years later and I am doing well. The lithium has remained the same for the past four years, but have been on others as well. They have changed due to insurance coverage or side effects, but it all seems to be working well. I don't like the side effects of the lithium but it keeps me stable so I'll live with them. I have a new job that is only part time but is going well-we have worked out the finances. DS is working full time and getting ready to move out, though right now his friend is living with us too. BH is enjoying retirement and keeps himself busy. I have taken up quilting which is a challenge. Just thought I'd check in.

Gorgeous Day

It's beautiful for a mid-August day. About 80 degrees, sunny and low humidity. I'm not feeling too bad, though I am considering cutting more. Since I can say this so casually it would seem that I could have better self-control, but I don't. It's consuming my thoughts again. S. called this morning. She didn't get the message that I had called. In any case she said she would see me this week, but she is gone again next week, which doesn't help if I need to talk to her. I'll figure something out.

Not againnnn!

Here I thought that I had gotten past the worst and here I am cutting again. It's been almost three years exactly. Between the jot sleeping and everything else I couldn't hold back anymore. It isn't too bad-no bandages needed. Dr. H was on vacation last two weeks and I called S on Friday and she has not returned my call. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the Dr., I am going to try really hard to behave myself until then. At least I don't have a plan. I'm spending too much money and trying to hide it. So far it has worked but I have to stop. I bought make-up that I don't need but suddenly feel the urge to use. It seems that the blanket that Geodon put over my emotions was what I needed. I just feel like crying-no wait, I am crying. It' s 1:35 AM and I am going to take a Benadryl and see if I can fall asleep.

It has been a long time since I posted, nearly a year, but the past almost three years have been stable. Once I started with a new psychiatrist, who started me on new meds, the most important being lithium and Geodon, things have kind of smoothed out. I even survived being forced to resign from my job of 17 years and being unemployed for a year. (They want young things in the burger flipping jobs and young things in the professional jobs because they don't have to pay as much!)
Then at my last Dr.'s visit this month he discovered I had tardive dyskinesthia (sp?) so we have had to switch to Fanapt. Now I can't sleep at night and I am finding thoughts of suicide injecting themselves into my waking hours. And to top it all off, Robin Williams committed suicide. I can't believe that he won't be around anymore, but I also know that his struggle is over.

I feel a bit panicked because I thought my own struggles were over, but that was just being naive on my part. My anger and frustration are building again and I am fighting the urge to cut again. It is Summer and no sleeves means their is no way to hide the cutting unless I cut my legs. What the hell! No one looks at them anymore anyway.

There have been some good things about changing meds, I am listening to music again, my emotions don't seem so flat anymore.

Hmm, I seem almost sleepy so I am going to hit the sack and capitalize on that.

So it's been over a year since my last post. Some good things, some bad. I have lost 40lbs, but now have acne (only can feel it-not see it), constant thirst, and sensitivity to sweet odors. I don't sweat anymore and I am awake almost always during the day. The medicine makes me feel kind of flat with no highs and lows-which the doctor said is good. Work has only gone down hill with my boss taking the first steps to having me fired. I really don't know how it will turn out. I have to stop having all the negative thoughts about it. Well, I'll just keep doing my best no matter what comes. I really feel like I don't do anything well or right and I think it is all her fault. If I could only find another job-but there is nothing out there!

Emptiness

So here's the thing: there's a box, about 20 inches x 20 inches x 20 inches and it's empty, completely empty. That's me. Having accomplished nothing, with nothing to look forward to. I feel lost!


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Weird things

Ok. So back in September I bought a book called White Crow. I didn't read it because of trying to get used to the new mess. Yesterday, at the doctor's office I took out my phone and chose that book to read. I came into work this morning and found a new review of that book. It is an "old" book to be reviewed now. Really weird.


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Things are a-changing!

I am really beginning to feel the changes from the medication switching. Taking the Geodon and the Lithium and losing the Minipress, the Ativan, and the Gabritril, and weaning off the Trileptal and the Seroquel have made a difference. I have not had night sweats in several weeks. And on Saturday I was actually to do some digging without sweating. NO SWEATING! It was amazing. Of course there are still some side effects to the new drugs. The Lithium gives me a metallic taste in my mouth and I constantly feel thirsty. But I am feeling better. Getting to be time to go to bed. Thanks.

Mixed emotions

I'm finally getting off the Seroquel through a four week process. I'm excited for this to happen so I can lose the weight. But I'm also anxious in general though I don't know why. I'm feeling like I need to be in the hospital. I hope the feeling goes away!


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It's a fact

So I got the news today that my boss does not like me. After asking if I could be part of a special program for bullying, she commented to another person that I wasn't around a lot and probably would not be good with the program. At least the two people she was talking to disagreed with her, saying that I could be good with the kids that are on the fringe. But now I have to make sure that I document things. She wants me out and I want out too! (Not that that will happen.)

Not such a great day at work, though the end was pleasant as a book order came in. The seniors were supposed to be in the library, they were leaving and what a mess. Got home tired and sore. My elbow is aching and I lifted a box with brown sugar in it and made it hurt really badly. If it were a couple of weeks again I could have gone and fallen asleep. But now that is not about to happen. I am reading one of the books because I am not sure it is appropriate for school. So far no problems but I'm just at the beginning. I actually considered cutting my right arm today. I have never done this and I do not want to start as it looks good. But the thought of somewhere to cut with no scars is very tempting. If I think I cannot help myself it will be time to go to the hospital-I will not ruin both my arms!

Had a GREAT Day. We went to the Holyoke Mall (I only bought a thing of make-up remover.) Then we drove home through Brimfield and Sturbridge along the path of June's tornado. It is one thing to see it on TV, but completely different to having seen something 5 months ago and to see how radically it changed. Huge swaths just scoured of all vegetation. It was amazing that only 4 people died considering that there was a huge pine tree whose top was twisted off only 10 feet from a house that had people in it. There were so many other houses that had similar cases. Now I find I am having trouble sitting still. BH is around doing stuff-putting things away, I don't know what else, but I do know I really want him to sit down. Back to work tomorrow.

Those feelings are coming back stronger. I did cut myself today-another six times. I really wanted to cut myself one more time, but was able, after much arguing with myself, to stop. Also thought about using the scissors on myself but also talked myself out of it. I don't understand where these feelings are coming from and I am concerned that I just want to because I have become used to it. That's not quite what I feel, but it is the best explanation I can offer. I am sitting outside again with the firepots snapping. The moon is not full tonight, but it is getting close and it is bright enough to see without a flashlight. The air has also turned colder tonight than it was last night. I imagine that in a couple of days the crickets will become silent. The chilly air also smells like fall. Hard to believe that only three weeks are left to Halloween.