Difficult nights

Every night this week I have thought about cutting. Last night I could not sleep at all. I kept waking up for no apparent reason. Slept on the bed, the chair, the couch with little success. I have an appointment with the patch dr. Maybe he can shed some light.


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Seeing and hearing things not there

It's been an exciting week. Haha. Monday I was eating some chocolate that wasn't Hersheys. Suddenly I was in Memere Whitmore's kitchen and then I started sobbing hysterically. I couldn't even finish eating the chocolate for several minutes. Really weird. Last night DH and I argued and then he went to bed. I saw him go into the dining room. He seemed darker and shorter than he was but who else could it be? But then he didn't come back out and I realized it wasn't him that I saw go by. Once in bed, I could hear a man talking in the living room. Except instead of just letting it go by, I was terrified, so much so that I almost woke DH up to turn the lights on. I was eventually able to get up without waking him up (he hurt his back and I wanted to let sleep.) Tonight I had the urge to cut that was almost too hard to ignore. This seemed to be triggered by watching a show about the beginning of monotheism and the background of the worship of the one God. I think I am going crazy, really crazy, something I have feared would happen. That my condition would deteriorate to incapacity. Please let that not be the case.

Another piece or two falls apart

Well, two more parts of my life fell apart tonight. My son, my beautiful brilliant son, has pretty much decided to drop out of college. He had a lot of trouble earlier this semester and apparently dropped three of his four courses. He kept the one he felt he could still pass. His plans are to get a full time job and to try to work with a brewery, an area his finds interesting. I realize he was so relieved to finally tell me, he was unloading his burden and I believe it is important that I not show my disappointment. I will eventually get used to it. I really do want him to be happy and hopefully he will be on his way.

Then my husband and I started discussing things. I walked into it, but basically it boiled down to these things:

He wants me to see naturopaths for my disorders.
He wants me to see a dietician for my diet and to help me lose weight
He finds me unattractive right now because I weight too much and would rather not touch me.
My mother wants me back the way I was 25 years ago
He thinks I am looking him up to see if he is having an affair, which couldn't farther from the truth.

I guess I really need to look at what is going on in my life and somehow get it all arranged.

Spoken Word

Things are calmer than they have been. Very little thoughts of cutting though perhaps if I had been more awake this morning. I am starting a new blog today so I can share some other thoughts about things I know longer know if I have been more detailed about. Dr. S encourages me yesterday to try to put some things aside when I they are big things, then when things are calmer, I can pick them up again. He also suggested that I might see S. more often to help guide me since I am often not sure if I am thinking about things like other people do or if it the BPD.


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Things going on

I exercised today and am feeling better now than I have all day. I got a really nice complement on my appearance.

Doing really poorly today. I am very drowsy, which can be good because I can't concentrate on other things as well. It's going to be a long day at work. Back to work.

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Location:Work

When I left the hospital last Tuesday I said I was finished with that part of life. I feel like I was seriously considering suicide. I don't feel like that now. I believe BH may have found a clue to the problem. Apparently there has been a link between Advair and depression. I am going to discuss this with the doctor tomorrow. If this is the case it would help a lot. Until then I will hold back on further comment.

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Location:Uconn