Christmas Holiday

The holidays are over and things went ok. Though I had a couple of moments of panic, I was fairly calm. I have decided that as we go through next year, I will give everyone a birthday and Christmas gift. We had a blizzard yesterday, that wasn't really a blizzard for this part of the state. We did get some pretty high winds, enough to tip over the basketball hoop, the first time ever. I need to go show Mom how to use her netbook that we gave her. I still am not sure when I will go back to work, but it will be soon.

I am so stupid!

"In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a patient's feelings for a significant person to the therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist" I somehow thought I was too intelligent to fall for this, but I really know now that I have fallen for this more than once. And now I have followed this whole line to a horrible conclusion for myself. I even thought that there might be some reciprocation of feelings, they even describe it in the same place as the above "Countertransference is defined as redirection of a therapist's feelings toward a patient, or more generally, as a therapist's emotional entanglement with a patient." So my fantasies might have some grounding in reality. But then I started looking at things. Why would a man with almost 30 years experience, a great job, a good small private practice, a beautiful, smart wife who has her own career in the medical field, a couple of great kids, risk anything for me? I have a career as a high school librarian who doesn't do anything to help others and currently can't even keep her house clean. I can't even consider anything. I don't know what I am going to do. What am I going to do?

I should explain. I was supposed to be doing something else. I was supposed to be teaching kids, little ones or big ones. Either helping the little ones grow up to be other things or to teach the big ones how to go out and help others. And here I am sitting behind a desk picking out books for kids who mostly could care less. And right now, I can't even do that. I helped DS as best I could to get through school and despite that he is succeeding now. I was too intimidated by conflict and never really helped him the way he needed. Or maybe BH was right and I should have let things go and he would have been better off. I just can't find anything redeeming about who I am now. I can't even focus on anything long enough-not even to pray. A trip to the church proved that true. And once again I am left out on my own with nowhere to turn. I know I can call for help, but maybe I don't want to. I know what happens when I do and I am not sure anything else can help me. I just want to stop thinking for a while. Maybe when I wake up things will be different. Maybe all I need to do is sleep all night tonight.