Anxiety level is pretty high tonight. Fleeting (more than a second or two) about hurting myself. However, I am going to take DS back to his room tonight so I will not be alone while they are gone. Feeling a bit edgy about work and needing to go back but still need to go to OP (outpatient program.) Wish there was someway to do both. I definitely need to do the program, because of times like tonight, but I am wondering what is happening at work. Watched a couple of horror movies, pretty tame stuff, though Fourth Kind was decent. Had my own weird dream last night. As bizarre as it sounds, it somehow comforted me. I was someplace in a warm area with warm water. We went swimming and an Orca beached itself. We took it someplace to try and heal it, but the others wanted to use sterile gear. I just took mine off and said that real skin would help. It took all the mold off. As the Orca healed it watched American TV and when we went to release it it turned itself into a TV monitor and spewed back all the garbage it had seen. The people there for the release were getting upset, so I caught it and convinced it to change again, this time it chose a deep pink flower and then dissolved into an Orca again. Then we (DS and me) went out to the bay. We had a special camera that showed things underwater and how they were shaped. We saw a couple of things that looked like sharks and a baby Beluga, but turned out to be trash. Unfortunately I woke up too early and missed any more. I think I have been watching too many animal documentaries. Watched one yesterday about using sonar to find giant anacondas and a commercial about freeing an Orca after a bachelor party. Got to go.

The first weekend

I started at the outpatient program on Friday. I only went to one group because of signing papers, giving info, etc. The group seems good, but a lot with substance abuse. I realize because we live in an area of small towns, there are probably few programs that cater to just psych cases. There is plenty of overlap, especially with addictive behavior, but it can be hard to talk about things that make you sound really crazy because you cut or scratched yourself or o'd when you were completely sober. But I just have to realize that in order for this to possibly stick and work for more than a couple of years I need to tell all. I will probably never see these people again, yet they may be the source of  a wisdom only afforded by people in a similar state.
I had some flutters when going by the hospital and every time I think of being in the hospital, I have to reinforce that I am ok out here. Only fleeting instances of thoughts of cutting, mainly because I know better that I have to distract myself quickly before they get to to be too much. Spent the day doing some work around the house, now I am knitting a hat for my mother for Christmas and have the TV on because it is really easy knitting and not enough of a distraction. Back to knitting.

Back home again

Things started unraveling even before that last post, I just didn't realize it. Went to Psych hospital on the 12th and just got back today. Somehow it seems like those two weeks didn't even happen, but it did and I will be putting my journal on the blog soon. I actually lost the journal for the first couple of days. A MHW was being nice and moved my stuff to a new room and it got lost along the way. It was very upsetting because I don't recall all the time and my journal is my constant companion. I record what actually happens, then I can return to them and have a different perspective once the time has actually passed.

What do I do?

I am not necessarily a conceited person (though with BPD I do realize that everything DOES revolve around me) but I am still unsure of why this happens or what I am supposed to do about it. When I picked up my prescriptions, when the pharmacist was handing my change to me, he held my hand, then released it with the money. I have found that throughout my teen and adult life, I have had unexpected "advances" from different men. Beginning when I was in my teens and the assistant manager where I worked told me he was getting a divorce from his wife and we began seeing one another. Of course he wasn't and I was devastated when I found out. This type of things has continued over the years. The professor who wanted to take me on a trip to the Caribbean, the professional man who always found some reason to touch me, every time we were in the same place, the men who have put their arms around my waist.  While it is flattering, I get so confused by it, I don't know what to do or how I should really feel about it.  And I have no one to ask about this. Even if N. where still here, I don't think I could ask her about this. Just one more confusing, addled thing to think about.