Psych Part V
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
I am feeling a little better today. I am still upset but I am thinking about accepting their offer of a place as a Master's student. (If only to show them I CAN do it.) I am still thinking about the diagnosis I have been given of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I have questions to ask S. Like how did I get it, will it go away, etc. Later today I am taking G. W. , and N. to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. R. is coming along to help. It should be fun. We had a good time at the restaurant. The boys thought it was neat. When we got home I slept for a bit then went to L.'s.
1. I napped for awhile.
2. When a woman got upset at another table because the boys were rambunctious I decided it was her problem since if she wanted quiet she should not be eating there.
3.I get along well with children.
Wednesday, March 29, 2000
Well I made it through yesterday ok but today was not so great. My appointment went fine and the specialist said I don't have to go back. Then I went to the church to organize the their library. That was peaceful. I went home, got laundry going and cut myself. I was very angry and had trouble cutting myself well. I was afraid I would cut too far and DS. had violin lesson. I also had class last night. I thought alot today abot hurting myself and wish it would stop.
1. I organized the church library.
2. I didn't handle my anger today-I cut myself to let some out.
3. I am good at organizing things.
Thursday, March 30, 2000
I am still not feeling well. I found where BH. hid the Ambien and considered bringing them with me. I am afraid to call S. to tell her how I feel because I am afraid I'll have to go to the hospital again. I have gotten some work done at school today but I don't quite feel like myself. I am moving and thinking slowly which is frustrating to me. Dr. P. called and changed my prescriptions. Now I am only going to be taking 1/2 Ativan twice a day. Hopefully I won't sleep as much. When I got home I took a nap and felt better. I did some laundry and cleaned up. I also balanced the checkbook. I still went to bed early.
1. Napped a long time.
2.
3.
Friday, March 31
It would have been very easy this to take the Ambien. I had them in my hand but changed my mind. I wanted to cut myself but couldn't cut hard enough. In spite of all that I feel pretty good. It's really bright and sunny and I feel more alert than I have. I won't be taking Ativan until Noon. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. but I am not quite sure what to say.
Memere,
I am not sure what to say in this letter. I remember a few things about you but not very well. I only know how you looked from pictures. I would have liked the opportunity to get to know you better. I understand you were a fun person. I know you worked hard and took good care of your children. I have heard many stories about you from cousins and Aunts and Uncles and am jealous that they had the chance to know you when you were well. I guess alot of what I remember about you scary. The doctors, priests and the arguments must have been upsetting to me. I also remember playing with you in your hospital bed and watching TV. That is a good memory.
Anger-Things that make me angry
Not being able to do things I could do last year (concentrate, remember, etc.)
Not being able to help as much with stuff and G.
Not being able to do work as well
Feeling like hurting myself
Not caring about what is happening to others
Being selfish
Not lying well enought to hide what I want to do.
When people take away my ability to hurt myself.
How this all bothers my family.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Psych, Part IV
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Today was ok. I did lots of little tings and spent time with DS. I have forgotten most of it because I didn't write on Sunday.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Coming back to work yesterday was alright. People were very kind and several offered help if I needed it. I didn't get much done, bit I did go through my mail and work on some new equipment. When I got home we took DS to go rollerbladng but he was too crabby and it got cold.
1. I took a long hot bath and just relaxed.
2. I found myself very irritated with DS and started to yell. I took a step back, caught my breath and calmed down (but I was still angry with him.)
3. I like the color of my skin.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
This has been a difficult morning. I left without my calend and keys. I really wish I had taken Amien with me. I am feeling very frustrated, very agitated and very angry right now. I can't do things at home because I'm too tired and I have only been able to read for my course one day, If I wasn't useless before, I certainly am now!
I began to feel better after seeing Dr. P. I guess I was very anxious about seeing him. After I get a blood test done, I will be changing medications which will hopefully get rid of some of the side effects. I spent some time at the mall for a bit, then went home.
1. I spent about 10 minutes at the pet store petting and talking to Zach the Macaw.
2. Nothing to get angry about over today but the anxiety and thoughts of cutting myself were overwhelming.
3. I get along with most other people.
Wednesday, March 22 and Thursday March 23, 2000
Wednesday was a pretty poor day. Today was not much better. There were times each day I thought how terrible it would be for DS and BH if I slit my wrists. but I am still very frustrated by my inability to work the way I used to. My thinking and memory are not as sharp as they were and I know it! I forget things, I have trouble concentrating when people speak to me and I often have to ask them to repeat what they said. At work I am only able to get done what needs to be done for the day and can do little over and above the basics. Dr. P. said I need to have patience in all of this since I didn't become sick over night, I also can't get better overnight. He also said I need to distract myself when I feel like cutting myself. But I have found this hard. I have had a strong urge since yesterday to cut myself and have it off, though I did scrape a little. The elastic band is just not the same.
One of the bad things about all of this is my inability to "feel" much of anything. Yesterday I found out that a who has been best friends with my mom and our family since they were in high school has a bone cancer. I should have been very upset, yet I felt nothing. I don't know if this the medication or the depression.
1. I sleep alot at home.
2. I was able to handle a situation with three students. When I started to get upset I took a breath and spoke firmly but calmly to them. Their teacher ended up the one who blew a gasket.
3. I like the way I feel when I hug DS or BH they make me feel content and safe.
Friday, March 24, 2000
I felt really good today. I was more alert than I have been. I was able to do some work at school. It was really warm and a bunch of us ate in the courtyard. My appointment with S. was ok. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After the appointment I was a little angry because S. had me read this journal and now I have give BH the Ambien to give me when I need it. I guess there is some part of me that doesn't really want to die since I have told her this. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. I also was angry because I had this new diagonese, and I can't really look it up until Monday.
1. I fell asleep about 7:30.
2. This morning a woman was upset with me because she wanted to get by my car but couldn't. She kept blowing her horn. I got a little angry and I did blow my horn back but then realized it was a stupid little thing and let it go.
3. I have a good sense of humor.
Saturday, March 25, 2000
We spent a good part of the day in Mystic to watch the launch of the Amistad. It was nice but not as exciting as I hoped it would be. We got cold and we went to the Aquarium.
1. I bout a nice red soft sweatshirt for myself. (And one for DS.)
2. I was very nervous about getting to the Seaport but BH listened and we parked and walked which made me feel better.
3.
Sunday, March 26, 2000
We had a visit with J and S. It was Noah's birthday. We went as a courtesy but were not particularly excited about being there.
1.
2.
3.
Monday, March 27, 2000
Today has been a very bad day. I felt strong urges to cut myself, but I have to wait until after tomorrow night when we do DS's birthday. When I read my email there was one from Dr. B. telling me I was not accepted into the Phd program because I didn't have the right background. I feel like the last goal has been ripped out from under me. I was angry with them, I am angry with myself for getting sick, I am angry with myself for telling S. about the sleeping pills and with S. for making me give them to BH I could not think of anything else all day. I did nothing for myself today and once again did nothing with my other goals.
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Today was ok. I did lots of little tings and spent time with DS. I have forgotten most of it because I didn't write on Sunday.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Coming back to work yesterday was alright. People were very kind and several offered help if I needed it. I didn't get much done, bit I did go through my mail and work on some new equipment. When I got home we took DS to go rollerbladng but he was too crabby and it got cold.
1. I took a long hot bath and just relaxed.
2. I found myself very irritated with DS and started to yell. I took a step back, caught my breath and calmed down (but I was still angry with him.)
3. I like the color of my skin.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
This has been a difficult morning. I left without my calend and keys. I really wish I had taken Amien with me. I am feeling very frustrated, very agitated and very angry right now. I can't do things at home because I'm too tired and I have only been able to read for my course one day, If I wasn't useless before, I certainly am now!
I began to feel better after seeing Dr. P. I guess I was very anxious about seeing him. After I get a blood test done, I will be changing medications which will hopefully get rid of some of the side effects. I spent some time at the mall for a bit, then went home.
1. I spent about 10 minutes at the pet store petting and talking to Zach the Macaw.
2. Nothing to get angry about over today but the anxiety and thoughts of cutting myself were overwhelming.
3. I get along with most other people.
Wednesday, March 22 and Thursday March 23, 2000
Wednesday was a pretty poor day. Today was not much better. There were times each day I thought how terrible it would be for DS and BH if I slit my wrists. but I am still very frustrated by my inability to work the way I used to. My thinking and memory are not as sharp as they were and I know it! I forget things, I have trouble concentrating when people speak to me and I often have to ask them to repeat what they said. At work I am only able to get done what needs to be done for the day and can do little over and above the basics. Dr. P. said I need to have patience in all of this since I didn't become sick over night, I also can't get better overnight. He also said I need to distract myself when I feel like cutting myself. But I have found this hard. I have had a strong urge since yesterday to cut myself and have it off, though I did scrape a little. The elastic band is just not the same.
One of the bad things about all of this is my inability to "feel" much of anything. Yesterday I found out that a who has been best friends with my mom and our family since they were in high school has a bone cancer. I should have been very upset, yet I felt nothing. I don't know if this the medication or the depression.
1. I sleep alot at home.
2. I was able to handle a situation with three students. When I started to get upset I took a breath and spoke firmly but calmly to them. Their teacher ended up the one who blew a gasket.
3. I like the way I feel when I hug DS or BH they make me feel content and safe.
Friday, March 24, 2000
I felt really good today. I was more alert than I have been. I was able to do some work at school. It was really warm and a bunch of us ate in the courtyard. My appointment with S. was ok. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After the appointment I was a little angry because S. had me read this journal and now I have give BH the Ambien to give me when I need it. I guess there is some part of me that doesn't really want to die since I have told her this. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. I also was angry because I had this new diagonese, and I can't really look it up until Monday.
1. I fell asleep about 7:30.
2. This morning a woman was upset with me because she wanted to get by my car but couldn't. She kept blowing her horn. I got a little angry and I did blow my horn back but then realized it was a stupid little thing and let it go.
3. I have a good sense of humor.
Saturday, March 25, 2000
We spent a good part of the day in Mystic to watch the launch of the Amistad. It was nice but not as exciting as I hoped it would be. We got cold and we went to the Aquarium.
1. I bout a nice red soft sweatshirt for myself. (And one for DS.)
2. I was very nervous about getting to the Seaport but BH listened and we parked and walked which made me feel better.
3.
Sunday, March 26, 2000
We had a visit with J and S. It was Noah's birthday. We went as a courtesy but were not particularly excited about being there.
1.
2.
3.
Monday, March 27, 2000
Today has been a very bad day. I felt strong urges to cut myself, but I have to wait until after tomorrow night when we do DS's birthday. When I read my email there was one from Dr. B. telling me I was not accepted into the Phd program because I didn't have the right background. I feel like the last goal has been ripped out from under me. I was angry with them, I am angry with myself for getting sick, I am angry with myself for telling S. about the sleeping pills and with S. for making me give them to BH I could not think of anything else all day. I did nothing for myself today and once again did nothing with my other goals.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Psych Part III
Wednesday, March 15 2000
Yesterday and Monday I didn't write because I was busy and I was too tired at the end of the day. On Monday I went shopping with my Mom for DS's birthday. It was fun, I had my mom take me because I didn't feel comfortable driving. We also had a meeting with the school psychologist about DS. He does not have a learning disability, he does not have ADD or ADHD, but he is gifted (96-99%.) B. also said he does have a somewhat difficult personality and recommended we consult with a clinical psychologist. We are waiting a bit before we do anything about this. Though both days were better than they have been, I have still had some thoughts of hurting myself. Yesterday was worse because I was alone all day. I talked myself out of it. But this morning I actually took a shower without thinking about cutting myself. I am not going to write more about the meds because I am taking them like I am supposed to. For the three other goals:
1. I bought myself a new dress and spending time with my Mom was good.
1. I planted peas and sweet peas.
2. I did not get angry
2. BH. signed up for a new credit card. I was angry but after I TALKED to BH and we decided to keep it.
3.
3. I do special things for DS.
Thursday, March 16, 2000
Yesterday morning may have been great but the day grew worse as it went along. I really had a struggle not cutting myself. I have also thought that my birthday would be a good day to commit suicide. I could leave on the same day I came here. I am also hoping that by then the medication and counseling will be to a point that I will not go through with my plan.
Friday, March 17, 2000
I went for a bike ride to campus yesterday. It felt good. I was however drawn to the stream along the way. I can't understand why running water makes me feel like it does. I could actually picture myself calmly going to sleep and not waking up again. I'm not constantly thinking about suicide or hurting myself, but it does come up often. I keep waiting for these thoughts and feelings to go away. I guess I need to work on this. I also need to let the baby thing go. For two years everything I have done has focused on "the baby." My eating habits, vitamins, exercising was all done to make sure that if I got pregnant the baby would be ok and somewhere along the line it became me that was not ok. I will be doing (at least trying) things for me. I went to Borders last night it was nice just to be there alone and look at anything I wanted to .
1. I went for a bike ride and I went to Borders alone.
2.
3. I am polite.
Saturday, March 18, 2000
Last night we went to Husky Blues to hear G. play. It was nice. I got the chance to talk to D. and JT. Today I went to my parents to download some software for my PalmPilot. Then D., Mom, PG, and I went to the Marlborough Barn. It was a nice afternoon. Right now I am feeling pretty low. I know that the drugs have changed me. I am quieter, talk less, and sit still. However I find it frustrating that I can't always think or speak as clearly as I used to. I also forget things and this really bothers me. I think what it will be like on Monday with everyone asking me where I've been I almost wish no one noticed that I was gone. I am not sure how well I will be able to do my job. Even though I like my job I feel how unimportant it is. I am just very sad tonight (I forgot to feed the bunny.) My hip hurts alot and my breasts are swollen and tender. I just want to be away from it all. I'm really tired too!
[Few people actually noticed I was gone, one of the medications made my joints hurt and another caused me to lactate. While I could have made some extra money as a wet nurse, it was a bit unsettling. I stopped both medications and everything cleared up.]
Wednesday, March 15 2000
Yesterday and Monday I didn't write because I was busy and I was too tired at the end of the day. On Monday I went shopping with my Mom for DS's birthday. It was fun, I had my mom take me because I didn't feel comfortable driving. We also had a meeting with the school psychologist about DS. He does not have a learning disability, he does not have ADD or ADHD, but he is gifted (96-99%.) B. also said he does have a somewhat difficult personality and recommended we consult with a clinical psychologist. We are waiting a bit before we do anything about this. Though both days were better than they have been, I have still had some thoughts of hurting myself. Yesterday was worse because I was alone all day. I talked myself out of it. But this morning I actually took a shower without thinking about cutting myself. I am not going to write more about the meds because I am taking them like I am supposed to. For the three other goals:
1. I bought myself a new dress and spending time with my Mom was good.
1. I planted peas and sweet peas.
2. I did not get angry
2. BH. signed up for a new credit card. I was angry but after I TALKED to BH and we decided to keep it.
3.
3. I do special things for DS.
Thursday, March 16, 2000
Yesterday morning may have been great but the day grew worse as it went along. I really had a struggle not cutting myself. I have also thought that my birthday would be a good day to commit suicide. I could leave on the same day I came here. I am also hoping that by then the medication and counseling will be to a point that I will not go through with my plan.
Friday, March 17, 2000
I went for a bike ride to campus yesterday. It felt good. I was however drawn to the stream along the way. I can't understand why running water makes me feel like it does. I could actually picture myself calmly going to sleep and not waking up again. I'm not constantly thinking about suicide or hurting myself, but it does come up often. I keep waiting for these thoughts and feelings to go away. I guess I need to work on this. I also need to let the baby thing go. For two years everything I have done has focused on "the baby." My eating habits, vitamins, exercising was all done to make sure that if I got pregnant the baby would be ok and somewhere along the line it became me that was not ok. I will be doing (at least trying) things for me. I went to Borders last night it was nice just to be there alone and look at anything I wanted to .
1. I went for a bike ride and I went to Borders alone.
2.
3. I am polite.
Saturday, March 18, 2000
Last night we went to Husky Blues to hear G. play. It was nice. I got the chance to talk to D. and JT. Today I went to my parents to download some software for my PalmPilot. Then D., Mom, PG, and I went to the Marlborough Barn. It was a nice afternoon. Right now I am feeling pretty low. I know that the drugs have changed me. I am quieter, talk less, and sit still. However I find it frustrating that I can't always think or speak as clearly as I used to. I also forget things and this really bothers me. I think what it will be like on Monday with everyone asking me where I've been I almost wish no one noticed that I was gone. I am not sure how well I will be able to do my job. Even though I like my job I feel how unimportant it is. I am just very sad tonight (I forgot to feed the bunny.) My hip hurts alot and my breasts are swollen and tender. I just want to be away from it all. I'm really tired too!
[Few people actually noticed I was gone, one of the medications made my joints hurt and another caused me to lactate. While I could have made some extra money as a wet nurse, it was a bit unsettling. I stopped both medications and everything cleared up.]
Monday, June 07, 2004
Psych Hospital, Part II
Thursday, March 9, 2000
I feel much better today than I have in a while. By last night things seemed to be better but this morning I am kind of restless. R. came by yesterday and gave me communion and talked for a while which was nice. I also had the opportunity to read one of the books he gave me-it was good and has some interesting insights. J. also sent me a bunch of stuff, magazines, cookies, etc. In group yesterday people talked about some things that made alot of sense to me. Much of the time I think that there is not much I do well and I was remembering how I have always been the "dippy" one, the one who didn't quite get things right. I think I probably need to start thinking about things I do well and change how I think about the things I don't believe I do well. I had said a couple of days ago that for a goal I was going to write 3 things that I did well or liked about myself, so I guess now would be a good time to do that.
1. I help others when they need it.
2. I work well with gardening.
3. I enjoy working with animals
In the afternoon yesterday we had anger management and I realized (once again) that I do not hand anger well. Often when someone does something that upsets me I find some way to turn my anger at them to myself-I always make it my fault.
I am supposed to go home tomorrow. Earlier today I felt good but now I am feeling pretty nervous. Before dinner I was reading to one of the other patients and she got upset. I felt really responsible but I have tried to make myself believe that it wasn't. One of the mental health care workers was very mean to her earlier today and they changed some of her routines. Then BH and Mom came by to talk about what will happen and how they can help me when I leave. Now I am very anxious and can't seem to calm myself. I asked earlier for an extra dose of medicine but they asked me to wait to see if my regular medicine would work-it hasn't.
I guess I realize that this isn't a minor thing. In some ways my life will never be the same. I have to change things, I have to do some catch-up on things and I will need to be more vigilante to make sure I don't get as far depressed as I have been.
Friday, March 10, 2000
It's Friday night and I am at home again. The past week has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I met people from many different backgrounds and discovered a very important lesson-we are all human and susceptible to the same highs and lows in life. I really have a very different perspective on those suffering from subtance abuse. While the thought of coming home was scary, I am feeling fairly comfortable. I know the feeling won't last, but I am going to try and remember things I have learned this past week. In order to get well and stay well I need to do the following:
1. Take meds.
2. Take time for me (15 minutes or more).
3. Control my anger.
4. Learn to love myself
I will try to record what I have done each day to meet the last three goals. Today I spent time quietly in my room thinking about coming home, I maintained a calm demeaner when dealing with DS realized that my ability to organize helps keep the family together. I also felt gratitude and blessings in the form of BH and DS I need to be thankful for all my family and friends.
Sunday, March 12, 2000
Last night I had a little problem with thoughts of cutting myself. It was a little overwhelming at the coffee hour after church. There seemed to be too many people. I also had some trouble during a presentation by R. There were lots of images of the crucifixition. E. and J came down for DS's birthday. She is always very good to DS In addition to a gameboy game (Pokemon Pinball) we went to Toys R Us. DS got rollerblades and so we could go together, I got a pair myself. We tried them out and they seem great. Today I:
1. Took all my meds, but left out the one for stiff joints since I wasn't feeling too stiff.
2. I have yet to take my 15 minutes, but I am going to try some knitting.
3. I was firm with G. when he was pushing playing with his stuffed animal in church. I didn't yell, I just removedif and put it in the pew and warned him I would take it away for the day. No problem after that.
4. Getting roller blades was good for me because I can take them with me and go skating on campus.
[These proved to be more than I could do and eventually they went to the swap shop.]
Thursday, March 9, 2000
I feel much better today than I have in a while. By last night things seemed to be better but this morning I am kind of restless. R. came by yesterday and gave me communion and talked for a while which was nice. I also had the opportunity to read one of the books he gave me-it was good and has some interesting insights. J. also sent me a bunch of stuff, magazines, cookies, etc. In group yesterday people talked about some things that made alot of sense to me. Much of the time I think that there is not much I do well and I was remembering how I have always been the "dippy" one, the one who didn't quite get things right. I think I probably need to start thinking about things I do well and change how I think about the things I don't believe I do well. I had said a couple of days ago that for a goal I was going to write 3 things that I did well or liked about myself, so I guess now would be a good time to do that.
1. I help others when they need it.
2. I work well with gardening.
3. I enjoy working with animals
In the afternoon yesterday we had anger management and I realized (once again) that I do not hand anger well. Often when someone does something that upsets me I find some way to turn my anger at them to myself-I always make it my fault.
I am supposed to go home tomorrow. Earlier today I felt good but now I am feeling pretty nervous. Before dinner I was reading to one of the other patients and she got upset. I felt really responsible but I have tried to make myself believe that it wasn't. One of the mental health care workers was very mean to her earlier today and they changed some of her routines. Then BH and Mom came by to talk about what will happen and how they can help me when I leave. Now I am very anxious and can't seem to calm myself. I asked earlier for an extra dose of medicine but they asked me to wait to see if my regular medicine would work-it hasn't.
I guess I realize that this isn't a minor thing. In some ways my life will never be the same. I have to change things, I have to do some catch-up on things and I will need to be more vigilante to make sure I don't get as far depressed as I have been.
Friday, March 10, 2000
It's Friday night and I am at home again. The past week has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I met people from many different backgrounds and discovered a very important lesson-we are all human and susceptible to the same highs and lows in life. I really have a very different perspective on those suffering from subtance abuse. While the thought of coming home was scary, I am feeling fairly comfortable. I know the feeling won't last, but I am going to try and remember things I have learned this past week. In order to get well and stay well I need to do the following:
1. Take meds.
2. Take time for me (15 minutes or more).
3. Control my anger.
4. Learn to love myself
I will try to record what I have done each day to meet the last three goals. Today I spent time quietly in my room thinking about coming home, I maintained a calm demeaner when dealing with DS realized that my ability to organize helps keep the family together. I also felt gratitude and blessings in the form of BH and DS I need to be thankful for all my family and friends.
Sunday, March 12, 2000
Last night I had a little problem with thoughts of cutting myself. It was a little overwhelming at the coffee hour after church. There seemed to be too many people. I also had some trouble during a presentation by R. There were lots of images of the crucifixition. E. and J came down for DS's birthday. She is always very good to DS In addition to a gameboy game (Pokemon Pinball) we went to Toys R Us. DS got rollerblades and so we could go together, I got a pair myself. We tried them out and they seem great. Today I:
1. Took all my meds, but left out the one for stiff joints since I wasn't feeling too stiff.
2. I have yet to take my 15 minutes, but I am going to try some knitting.
3. I was firm with G. when he was pushing playing with his stuffed animal in church. I didn't yell, I just removedif and put it in the pew and warned him I would take it away for the day. No problem after that.
4. Getting roller blades was good for me because I can take them with me and go skating on campus.
[These proved to be more than I could do and eventually they went to the swap shop.]
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Since I can be reasonably certain this blog won't give away who I am, I have decided it would be a good place to put a journal I began while being treated for depression and other things. It will probably sound selfish, foolish, and just plain crazy to anyone who has never had a mental illness. But for some it will probably sound all too familiar. It has been over 4 years since I was hospitalized and in many ways my life is better. The night before being admitted I spent an hour or so at Church, asking God to help me. I had everything planned for the following Tuesday. I was supposed to go to a house party (tupperware, something.) By the time anyone realized I wasn't at home or at the party, I would be dead. Now I look back and think that God did answer my prayers and put me in the hospital. But sometimes it gets to be too much and right now is one of those times. I am hoping that reading and transcribing this will help me now.
Monday, March 6, 2000
Thursday night seemed surreal. Waiting for hous in my work clothes. Saying goodbyes to DS and BH at their office and going to my appointment. Dr. P. was nice but I was upset with his almost immediate suggestion that I go to N.-he even took my keys away. Then there was the wait to get there. It was very difficult to sign the papers admitting myself. Then questions, questions and more questions. Each time a new person, a new set of questions. Everything I owned was searched. Finally I got a bed-only to have another patient go out of control and spend the next 4 or so hours screaming. Eventually I slept a little.
Friday morning brought more of the same. Breakfast, tests, questions and then group meetings. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to participate in anything. My medication was changed. By Friday afternoon I began to feel more a part of the hospital (which in a way is scary because part of me doesn't believe I belong here. However there have benn many moments when I feel the anger and agitation and both yesterday and today cut myself. I feel like I'm being sucked into a whirlpool and I just want to hit bottom so I can start climbing out.
Everything revolves around that magic day-the day of discharge. Lots of jokes, tears, and arguments involved.
Medication seems to be another important aspect of the day. No one yet has refused meds and I assume that they, like me, hope to get some or any relief from the magic pills. Normally I do not take medication, but here I make sure I am one of the first to mine and that they are working well. Anything that will stop my racing mind, lesson the ever present thoughts of cutting myself or slitting my wrists and watching the blood drain away. Even at night I have accepted sleeping pills which will put me int a deep quick sleep and leave me from my own thoughts. I REALLY want the whirlpool to stop.
Tuesday, March 7, 2000
Each time I think I have hit bottom-I find one more way to sink lower. Yesterday I was so desparate to cut my wrist-but I did tell the doctor. They gave me an extra Atavan which helped a bit but I still ended up cutting myself while under observation. They took my paperclip away and gave me a rubberband to snap. It wasn't much of a substitute. In the afternoon the doctor changed my medication again and gave me something called Resparin (sp?). I was pretty tired last night but today I have felt pretty good. I haven't felt a strong urge to cut myself and just now for the first time actual felt like looking forward to planting flowers. It was the first time in months that I haven't felt dead inside.
The doctor talked about me going home which kind of scares me because while I feel good now I worry that I may not be ready and since I know I have no problem cutting myself I'm afraid I would slit my wrists if I felt bad again.
Well couldn't make it through the afternoon without extra medication. I spoke to the counselor about writing an "obituary" for the child I can't seem to have the thoughts of dealing with the painful emotions has made me very anxious. I will try to write this later.
In group earlier today I shared the fact I feel more comfortable here. I don't have to go around hiding my feelings and acting like everything is ok. Other people here actually understand how I feel. They know the cutting relieves the anger and how the deadness hurts. They understand that no matter how many people care about you, when you are feeling worst you can't comprehend that and it has no effect.
In second group today we discussed being assertive. I think I am probably much too passive most of the time and then change it to aggression at home. I need to learn to be honest about my feelings and stand up for my rights and needs while respecting others. Others (the group counselors) said this would probably be uncomfortable but I am going to try.
Wednesday, March 8, 2000
Last night was a terrible night. I had trouble sleeping and when I asked to have a snack I was denied and treated like a child. I was already upset and had all sorts of things running through my head and my anxiety level just grew until I was so angry. I ended up cutting myself again. First thing this morning I spoke to the Dr. I toldhim a lot of things I didn't realized were bothering me. I need to learn to deal with my anger and frustration better. I think I probably also need to make sure I have more time for myself. I want to work really hard to try and be out of here by Monday. Even though I still feel bad-I really do need to get to be with my family.
I did write about Sophie-It was very emotional and caused a lot of anxiety but I think if felt alot better. I will try reading it again later to see how I feel about what I wrote.
Sophie
Sophie Annette: You were born with lots of dark hair and those newborn blue eyes. You were small and thin but healthy, just like your brother. Even though G. protested, he loved you and helping with you. As you grew your hair turned lighter and your eyes changed to match your dad's eyes. You smiled often and enjoyed being with people. The stubborn streak that seems to be a family trait was quite apparent. You loved getting dirty and being outside and as you began to crawl and walk you alway's managed to get into brother's stuff. You grew quickly and continued to annoy your brother, though through all the fights and arguing it was apparent that you loved one another. Your freckled face and short dark hair combined with your lovely green eyes created a unique and beautiful little girl. You grew to be questioning and independent, sometimes to the point of trouble. You experienced many of the trials and tribulations of being a teenager but survived these all right to be a confident, self-assured, happy adult.
Sophie, though I never met you, I have held you in my arms a thousand times. I know what you smell like, what your face looks like when your nursing and how warm and soft your fingers are on my hand. I know what it looks like when your brother helps you learn to walk and you often play and wrestle and even fight together. I can see running outside in the summer barefooted in a a little green dress and watch you pick dandelions for me. I have seen your daddy holding you and playing with you and watching you proudly. I have watched you grow from a spindly legged little girl into a graceful attractive women. Sophie-though I will probably never meet you I will always love you with all my heart.
[Since that time I have seen in a dream a toddler Sophie wave goodbye and take the hand of some unknown relative and walk away to some other place.]
Monday, March 6, 2000
Thursday night seemed surreal. Waiting for hous in my work clothes. Saying goodbyes to DS and BH at their office and going to my appointment. Dr. P. was nice but I was upset with his almost immediate suggestion that I go to N.-he even took my keys away. Then there was the wait to get there. It was very difficult to sign the papers admitting myself. Then questions, questions and more questions. Each time a new person, a new set of questions. Everything I owned was searched. Finally I got a bed-only to have another patient go out of control and spend the next 4 or so hours screaming. Eventually I slept a little.
Friday morning brought more of the same. Breakfast, tests, questions and then group meetings. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to participate in anything. My medication was changed. By Friday afternoon I began to feel more a part of the hospital (which in a way is scary because part of me doesn't believe I belong here. However there have benn many moments when I feel the anger and agitation and both yesterday and today cut myself. I feel like I'm being sucked into a whirlpool and I just want to hit bottom so I can start climbing out.
Everything revolves around that magic day-the day of discharge. Lots of jokes, tears, and arguments involved.
Medication seems to be another important aspect of the day. No one yet has refused meds and I assume that they, like me, hope to get some or any relief from the magic pills. Normally I do not take medication, but here I make sure I am one of the first to mine and that they are working well. Anything that will stop my racing mind, lesson the ever present thoughts of cutting myself or slitting my wrists and watching the blood drain away. Even at night I have accepted sleeping pills which will put me int a deep quick sleep and leave me from my own thoughts. I REALLY want the whirlpool to stop.
Tuesday, March 7, 2000
Each time I think I have hit bottom-I find one more way to sink lower. Yesterday I was so desparate to cut my wrist-but I did tell the doctor. They gave me an extra Atavan which helped a bit but I still ended up cutting myself while under observation. They took my paperclip away and gave me a rubberband to snap. It wasn't much of a substitute. In the afternoon the doctor changed my medication again and gave me something called Resparin (sp?). I was pretty tired last night but today I have felt pretty good. I haven't felt a strong urge to cut myself and just now for the first time actual felt like looking forward to planting flowers. It was the first time in months that I haven't felt dead inside.
The doctor talked about me going home which kind of scares me because while I feel good now I worry that I may not be ready and since I know I have no problem cutting myself I'm afraid I would slit my wrists if I felt bad again.
Well couldn't make it through the afternoon without extra medication. I spoke to the counselor about writing an "obituary" for the child I can't seem to have the thoughts of dealing with the painful emotions has made me very anxious. I will try to write this later.
In group earlier today I shared the fact I feel more comfortable here. I don't have to go around hiding my feelings and acting like everything is ok. Other people here actually understand how I feel. They know the cutting relieves the anger and how the deadness hurts. They understand that no matter how many people care about you, when you are feeling worst you can't comprehend that and it has no effect.
In second group today we discussed being assertive. I think I am probably much too passive most of the time and then change it to aggression at home. I need to learn to be honest about my feelings and stand up for my rights and needs while respecting others. Others (the group counselors) said this would probably be uncomfortable but I am going to try.
Wednesday, March 8, 2000
Last night was a terrible night. I had trouble sleeping and when I asked to have a snack I was denied and treated like a child. I was already upset and had all sorts of things running through my head and my anxiety level just grew until I was so angry. I ended up cutting myself again. First thing this morning I spoke to the Dr. I toldhim a lot of things I didn't realized were bothering me. I need to learn to deal with my anger and frustration better. I think I probably also need to make sure I have more time for myself. I want to work really hard to try and be out of here by Monday. Even though I still feel bad-I really do need to get to be with my family.
I did write about Sophie-It was very emotional and caused a lot of anxiety but I think if felt alot better. I will try reading it again later to see how I feel about what I wrote.
Sophie
Sophie Annette: You were born with lots of dark hair and those newborn blue eyes. You were small and thin but healthy, just like your brother. Even though G. protested, he loved you and helping with you. As you grew your hair turned lighter and your eyes changed to match your dad's eyes. You smiled often and enjoyed being with people. The stubborn streak that seems to be a family trait was quite apparent. You loved getting dirty and being outside and as you began to crawl and walk you alway's managed to get into brother's stuff. You grew quickly and continued to annoy your brother, though through all the fights and arguing it was apparent that you loved one another. Your freckled face and short dark hair combined with your lovely green eyes created a unique and beautiful little girl. You grew to be questioning and independent, sometimes to the point of trouble. You experienced many of the trials and tribulations of being a teenager but survived these all right to be a confident, self-assured, happy adult.
Sophie, though I never met you, I have held you in my arms a thousand times. I know what you smell like, what your face looks like when your nursing and how warm and soft your fingers are on my hand. I know what it looks like when your brother helps you learn to walk and you often play and wrestle and even fight together. I can see running outside in the summer barefooted in a a little green dress and watch you pick dandelions for me. I have seen your daddy holding you and playing with you and watching you proudly. I have watched you grow from a spindly legged little girl into a graceful attractive women. Sophie-though I will probably never meet you I will always love you with all my heart.
[Since that time I have seen in a dream a toddler Sophie wave goodbye and take the hand of some unknown relative and walk away to some other place.]
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Where does all the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, powerlessness go? I can't seem to figure it out. The only ways that I can feel that I have SOME control over my life are the ways I have fought for several years-scratching, cutting, biting, overdose-the urges I have fought against for almost two years. It just seems like too much, the lack of enthusiasm and interest my advisor shows in my degree work, the fear of spending the rest of my career as a high school librarian if I don't get into the Phd program. Uncle who looks so frail that I am almost afraid to touch him. Sister's breast cancer, which no matter how much I believe she'll be ok, still worries me and the jealousy over the open, outward, and deserved help and empathy she has received which was so lacking when I was so deep inside the whirlpool, I couldn't see the light. And now, it is as if nothing ever happened to me and I am perfectly fine. That, along with my shame at feeling that way is added to the struggle I watch my son going through in school and trying to make sure he doesn't end up like me. My husband, who is wonderful, but who has shown no more interest in me in the past couple of years than a brother would. I know he wants that little 97 lb girl he married 16 years ago, but it is just not going to happen and I don't know how to handle that with him. Then there are my mother and father who are caring for my uncle and my sister and how thin my mother has become and how white my father's hair is. Will she have more seizures or will she get sick when this is all over? People tell me that I take on too many things, too many worries that I have no control over, but it seems like i have control over nothing accept the cutting which would offer such sweet relief. I use any excuse I can from having to wear long sleeves to work, to not being able to work with the youth. And the guilt that I am still not strong enough to handle things that others find so easy to slip by. Even not eating or eating too much makes no difference since my medication determines my weight. I have felt so sick since sister and the teacher and paraprofessional cuts, and then the school stuff, and DS that all I have been able to eat is cereal and a bit of fruit. I just want to know how normal people handle all of this. I keep it together at work, at school, even with my family, but the stones of all these things are sitting in my heart and soul and I feel as though I will burst if I don't find a way through.
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