Change of Mind

I was busy most of the rest of the day looking up information for the presentation I will be making in the fall. And someone was sitting with me which kept me busy. The sky is looking very unusual with the sun setting making the sky look pink and everything is glowing. It's actually kind of eerie. In any case, I have almost gotten through another day without cutting. I have almost given up knitting wristlets because I keep losing track of where I am. This is very frustrating as my entire ability to knit has been reduced to knitting easy knit/perl combinations. I can't do anything else. Well, it's just one more thing I have to evaluate. Trying to think of things that I have not accomplished and most likely never will is hard. My aspirations are pretty much caught up in the economy and the safety of tenure. I realized today that little will change with my role. I have to really sit down and think this all through. I am scared to just face all of this, but I need to do that before I can move on. I also have to stop my fantasy life and face reality.

Having a really hard time about cutting. It started last night after I saw my PCP. I don't know if it was nerves about seeing him and the possibility of him seeing my scars or what. Seeing Camelot did not help. It is a great program, but it rinsed me of my childhood and the fantasies I had and then the character of Morgan cut herself. But urges have continued this morning. Making it even worse is the fact that I am wearing a 3/4 sleeve shirt and have covered my arm with an Ace bandage. But I am starting to feel the panic where I need to cut. I have to use my DBT skills. I'll check in later.


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