I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry and because of all those things I'm confused. I stayed home from work today, but had to go to a useless meeting and then class. Since yesterday our cable, Internet and phone have all been shut off because of non-payment, not that we couldn't pay, just that we didn't. I never gave BH bills for online payments, he didn't notice there were no bills and now we have a mess. Additionally, I got a ticket on campus, which I knew I was going to get and should have avoided. At least BH now sees how mixed up our financial situation is and that we need to get it all straightened out.

Yesterday was an a stressful day as well. We had a 504 meeting for DS. I was actually encouraged after the meeting. I may have overreacted to events of the last week, but now I have met with all his teachers and we have a better feeling for how things have gone so far this year. I also had another "out of body" episode. It is hard to explain this and I'm am a bit concerned because I believe they may be seizures. They only last a few seconds, I generally still hear and see what is going on, but my field of vision narrows and then I seem to jump ahead in time and things look different. I saw my MD about this, he decided it was not something to be concerned about, except that they may be optical migraines and if there is no pain associated with this, I don't need to worry. However, when my mother explained to me what a petit mal was like, it was almost identical to what I feel. This one occured immediately after the meeting ended.

I am too tired to even think about anything. The course I am taking is useless and we probably could have saved a couple hundred dollars of me taking it. I really have learned nothing new.

I had a meeting with my advisor and will know by the end of October if I am in the PhD program.

That's it.

S. has asked me to keep a journal so we can talk about things that bother me between sessions. She also asked me to try to jot down what I remember in dreams. There have been so many bad ones, I have trouble keeping track of them. I also sometimes can't remember if something was a dream or actually happened. A bit scary.

In last night's dream we were trapped by people who wanted information on the "mob." Not really like Al Capone, but an underworld group. We escaped and there was a pregnant woman with us, but she was with BH (Maybe a bit of guilt that it is unlikely that BH will experience me in that condition.)

I have also been having a really hard time lately. I love BH but I miss the physical contact with him. He never lets me sleep touching him anymore, I'm lucky if I get a kiss and any kind of PDA is absent.
I also feel prettty crappy about myself. I don't have a complete wardrobe for now, I haven't been able to get up early enough to shower and dry my hair. I have no contact lenses, no rings and have rolls of fat on my stomach. Just about the time I think I am ok with that, I look in the mirror. I also believe that I smell. It has always been one of my hangups and though I have had BH tell me I needed a shower a couple of times since we've been married, I can't help feeling that way. I have also gone back to the two chocolate bars and chocolate milk everyday. I need to control myself with that and eat real food. I bit my arm today, though not hard enough to leave marks, I have never been able to do that. I did scratch my arm a bit with my fingernails, but again, not enough to leave major marks. I try to use any excuse to put it off. Examples: it's still too warm for long sleeves, I won't be able to work with the youth if I hurt myself, DS and BH are around and might catch me, my mom will know, the PT will know and ask, but none of them seem to be enough reason. Like S. said it is a kind of addiction, because I know if I cut myself I will feel a release and feel calmer for a while. It's just that I have to get the bad part out-the part that is attracted to this other man and the part that looks like a middle-aged woman. I just need to make it through tonight and then I hopefully will have the strength to make it through tomorrow.

Well, we made it through the first week of school. We all seem to be off to a good start. The holiday weekend was interesting. On Saturday, as I was showering, it suddenly hit me how J must feel. She must often feel the same way I do, nervous, not confident, not sure where to go or what to do next and wanting to make sure everyhting works out for the best. I guess I have thought that she always had everything going for her, but somehow I realized that the last couple of months have been a disaster for her, because with the breast cancer there is little under her control. She finished chemo last week and now will start radiation. Her doctor is confident that everything is under control and she will recover well. They have even found that it was a hormonal fluctuation that caused the cancer. We also believe that Lyme Disease she contracted while up here last summer made things move faster.

I have also been getting up early most mornings and riding the stationary bike for 10-20 minutes. It's a start. My great experiment with tapering off medication came to a disasterous close. After being on half doses for 5 weeks, I really lost my temper on three separate occasions. Brought back bad memories of verbal abuse inflicted on those around me. After a week back on I do actually feel better overall. My mother said that there are lots of people who must be on medicatio for the rest of their lives icluding those with diabetes or epilepsy. I was just kind of disappointed that all the anger management and calming exercises did not work well enough to keep me out of trouble. Oh well. I have also been eating very little junk food and eating three regular meals a day. I don't know what difference it wil make but at least I should be healthier.

Time for bed!