Weird things

Ok. So back in September I bought a book called White Crow. I didn't read it because of trying to get used to the new mess. Yesterday, at the doctor's office I took out my phone and chose that book to read. I came into work this morning and found a new review of that book. It is an "old" book to be reviewed now. Really weird.


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Things are a-changing!

I am really beginning to feel the changes from the medication switching. Taking the Geodon and the Lithium and losing the Minipress, the Ativan, and the Gabritril, and weaning off the Trileptal and the Seroquel have made a difference. I have not had night sweats in several weeks. And on Saturday I was actually to do some digging without sweating. NO SWEATING! It was amazing. Of course there are still some side effects to the new drugs. The Lithium gives me a metallic taste in my mouth and I constantly feel thirsty. But I am feeling better. Getting to be time to go to bed. Thanks.

Mixed emotions

I'm finally getting off the Seroquel through a four week process. I'm excited for this to happen so I can lose the weight. But I'm also anxious in general though I don't know why. I'm feeling like I need to be in the hospital. I hope the feeling goes away!


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It's a fact

So I got the news today that my boss does not like me. After asking if I could be part of a special program for bullying, she commented to another person that I wasn't around a lot and probably would not be good with the program. At least the two people she was talking to disagreed with her, saying that I could be good with the kids that are on the fringe. But now I have to make sure that I document things. She wants me out and I want out too! (Not that that will happen.)

Not such a great day at work, though the end was pleasant as a book order came in. The seniors were supposed to be in the library, they were leaving and what a mess. Got home tired and sore. My elbow is aching and I lifted a box with brown sugar in it and made it hurt really badly. If it were a couple of weeks again I could have gone and fallen asleep. But now that is not about to happen. I am reading one of the books because I am not sure it is appropriate for school. So far no problems but I'm just at the beginning. I actually considered cutting my right arm today. I have never done this and I do not want to start as it looks good. But the thought of somewhere to cut with no scars is very tempting. If I think I cannot help myself it will be time to go to the hospital-I will not ruin both my arms!

Had a GREAT Day. We went to the Holyoke Mall (I only bought a thing of make-up remover.) Then we drove home through Brimfield and Sturbridge along the path of June's tornado. It is one thing to see it on TV, but completely different to having seen something 5 months ago and to see how radically it changed. Huge swaths just scoured of all vegetation. It was amazing that only 4 people died considering that there was a huge pine tree whose top was twisted off only 10 feet from a house that had people in it. There were so many other houses that had similar cases. Now I find I am having trouble sitting still. BH is around doing stuff-putting things away, I don't know what else, but I do know I really want him to sit down. Back to work tomorrow.

Those feelings are coming back stronger. I did cut myself today-another six times. I really wanted to cut myself one more time, but was able, after much arguing with myself, to stop. Also thought about using the scissors on myself but also talked myself out of it. I don't understand where these feelings are coming from and I am concerned that I just want to because I have become used to it. That's not quite what I feel, but it is the best explanation I can offer. I am sitting outside again with the firepots snapping. The moon is not full tonight, but it is getting close and it is bright enough to see without a flashlight. The air has also turned colder tonight than it was last night. I imagine that in a couple of days the crickets will become silent. The chilly air also smells like fall. Hard to believe that only three weeks are left to Halloween.

2010 again

I am hoping it won't be but I have already been back to the hospital once. Even though I feel really good about things I can't stop thinking about cutting myself. I did on Thursday, but not yesterday. I feel really strongly about it again tonight. I have to make a long cut from my wrist to the inside of my elbow. But at the same time, I am unable to sleep much past 8 in the morning anymore and I not only cooked dinner every night this week, I even made an apple crisp, cleaned the whole living room from one end to the other and decorated for fall. How can things be good and bad at the same time? My dreams have been bad lately though no major nightmares. I have seen the white thing 3 times now. I see this thing and think it's BH until I realize he is elsewhere. It really scares me and I saw it once in the hospital, though I knew it couldn't be BH, I thought it was another person. I am sitting outside watching my firepots burn. It got up to over 80 today, but now has cooled off. The dew got the grass cold and wet which felt good to walk over in a cold and wet way. Glad I had bare feet. Moved indoors and the warmth feels good. No need for heat yet but that should start next week. I am hoping to make it without going to the hospital but also want to feel safe, which I do not feel right now. The boy is home visiting and is currently in front of the computer screen. I suspect he will be in front of one screen or another until tomorrow afternoon. I have some TLC to give my poor feet and face and arm. I managed to give myself tennis elbow from sawing all the trees we lost in the hurricane. My allergies are really bothering me. With no killing frost and a wet summer and fall, the stuff out there has left me with a perpetually almost runny nose. A headache and stuffy throat have also been around. I have decided that I could never drown myself. With the occasional asthma attack, not being able to breathe that way is too hard. I tried it but couldn't do it. Chocking might be easier. I discovered that the multiple bracelets I wear loop around my neck tightly and two can be hooked together even tighter. I didn't go to far because I didn't want to go past the point of no return and have BH find me.

My last attempt that sent me to the hospital was by taking an overdose again. I apparently did not take enough or they found me to soon. I had tried call several people, including a couple of priests, and I couldn't reach anyone. Apparently a former priest did get my message and called, but I had already taken the pills. They used the GPS in my cell phone to find. Everything went blank, I do remember a cop telling me he was there to help, then nothing until Wednesday.  There was no heat and no hot water for showers for 5 days. It was not fun but at least I was rooming with a woman who was about my age and was a teacher. We had a lot in common and I felt a little more comfortable  than other times.

Things at work are going better. I have to realize that the somewhat new principal isn't always the best people person. She micromanages things. I just have to go in, do my job the best I can. I am also, for the first time since before he was born, not obsessing as much about DS. He is home tonight but this is only the second time since he went to school that he has come home.

Good night

Three Dreams

A week or so ago I had a dream about stupid things people did and got in trouble with the law. Very similar to Cops, but occuring in W. No one did anything violent, just stupid. As we were driving around, I saw my Dad in the store window of B's on Main Street next to Dunkin Donuts. But he wasn't in trouble, he was just looking out the window smiling. Then we went to the vacuum cleaner place on the other side. Something was happening at Memorial Park, but I can't remember what. Then I was outside town and had to get back home through some swampy area and get back across the river. There were some snakes, but I don't think they were rattlers because I wasn't really afraid of them. I woke up before I got there.

Last night I had two dreams. One was about how we had purchased Uncle S and Auntie P's house. The night we moved in we went and looked all around the house and checked on the porch. In the dream Uncle S. had added on an enclosed front porch, but the boards were rotting. It didn't matter. He went around and showed us where all the light switches were. Then it was just us and the lights went out and someone evil was trying to get in and none of the light switches would work and it was terrifying to me.  I woke up from that and then fell asleep again and dreamt that there were people who were trying to take over people. I am not clear about this dream except that I was hiding from them so they wouldn't give me whatever it was that they were giving people to forget who they were.

Weird Dream-about someone taking care of me.

This happened one night last week. BH kept eating my sandwiches. I had a piece of pizza and a big pbj sandwich. He ate those and I said nasty things and then ran away.  There were others and I knew that was where they wanted me to go. I finally crawled under a water tower and collapsed with the beautiful flowes (blue). I just lay there and there was another woman there who I could talk to. I just kind of lay there all crooked. I felt like I was really there and some man was going to take care of me.

Quiet Day

It was my first day of Summer vacation-2 months of sleeping in. I must admit that I actually spent most of the day sleeping. DS didn't go to work because he boss wasn't there yesterday or today. So he spent most of the day alone today. We went to a concert which was nice, but when we got back the two of us just wanted to be left to ourselves. BH finally went to bed, but I feel bad that I didn't treat him well.

Father's Day

I feel really crappy because it was BH's first father's day without his father and I hardly even registered it. I also got nothing for my dad, not even a card. I did almost no housework. What is wrong with me?! I am no use to anyone except for my pay. Once this year is over, there will be no need for me to be around. What difference does any of it make. I have messed up this year enough and it will be a tough summer financially. Even killing myself won't make a difference because my life insurance won't pay enough. At least no one would have to worry about what they would come home to find. Except another day with a fat middle-aged woman. What am I going to do?

Reality

I just realized why I like YA literature so much. It gives me the opportunity to pretend that I am that age and can relive those years and maybe get them back or redo them. I wasn't friendless, but the people I hung around with were just that. Most of them I have only seen or talked to once or twice in 25 years. I read the books, and the protaganists start out messed up, but get it figured out by the end of the book. I never did that. When I told my psychd about my IQ, I don't think he really understood about it and I am sure he didn't understand how it messed things up for me. He told me that I might find talking to the new psychd difficult because he was more intellectual. I am sure I will be able to keep up with him. Anyhow, I wonder if I will look at YA differently now that I have this revelation. We'll see.

Secrets

Just realized what it is that I am missing, I want someone to tell my secrets to. I have to pay someone to do that now. back 25 years ago I thought I had that but then I was let down when secrets went back and forth and I was left out. This is my only fully anonymous outlet.


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Really low

A couple of nights ago I dreamt that the Z-man tried to bite me even though he didn't want to. I got nothing done this weekend, all I could do was sleep. I have to make it 13 more days before I collapse. I am hoping that making it that far will make things turn around. I have an appointment with S today and maybe that will help.


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Saying goodbye

We went to the memorial service today. I am glad that I did, though it is still hard to believe that he is gone. It seems that he stayed the optimistic, happy person he was. The speaker described his smile-a hallmark of his that I hope I will never forget.

I am so anxious today, I can't even sit still, but it is more than that. I am not twitching like I have from medication, instead I just find that my muscles are moving when I try to sit still. Tomorrow is BH birthday and I really want to do everything for him, but I don't know how I can. I'm going to take my medicine and go to bed and try to do things tomorrow.

Quiet Night

We had huge storms tonight that cooled things off and dropped the humidity. Now I'm lying in bed enjoying the dark and the sounds of the fans and the frogs.
A little reminder of when I was younger. Since it was so hard to sleep I often listened to it for hours.


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Another bit of bad news

My best friend and former boyfriend passed away from leukemia. At first I didn't feel much at all. Now I am just amazed to think that he is no longer here to be with his family and friends. I don't know why but I feel it is very important to go to his services. It will mean we lose another Saturday, but the basement will still be there. BH has agreed to go with me, which I am glad of because I will need support once we get there. I feel kind of lost in nothingness. Very stressed, angry, with absolutely no sense of self-worth. I tried making a list of things that would be good if I were gone and what would be good if I were here. It didn't turn out the way I planned it with the better things being if I was gone.


I guess I still need to work on this another time. I can't believe he's gone.  It just doesn't seem possible that he isn't laughing or talking, or listening to music. What's really weird is that I thought of him a couple of days ago for the first time in a long time. I figured he probably wasn't married yet, I'm glad to know that he did have a long relationship with a woman and her girls so he did get the chance to be a Dad. It's really hard not to cry at his loss.

I hate them (males that is)

I am feeling very upset with males right now. I am angry with my husband for wanting that thin woman he married, with my son for playing mind games with me, even if he isn't doing it on purpose. I am mad with the doctor for taking so long to call me back and for not returning my feelings (even if I know that he doesn't feel that way toward me). I hate the man who started this whole thing-even though that was years ago and that may not have happened. I just want to cut them all out of my life so I don't have to think about them. (Not really, but I am very angry. I want to stop feeling all these bad things. I tried on clothes today and I am a fat, sweaty disgusting pig. I thought about cutting the belly fat out, but that would still leave the fat legs, behind, arms, etc. I really feeling like damaging something-the computer, books, myself. Something has to give or I will burst.

Serial Killer

Last nights nightmare was weird (of course aren't they all?) we had a huge house with six bedrooms and a couple of living rooms. BH had made sure that there was a hot tub in the furthest room. We also had our own bathrooms while others had to share dirty ones. We had a party. We also were keeping a prisoner locked up so he could live in a house. We let him loose and he tried to have sex with a drug addict.
The first floor was a shop window and there were 12 or 13 of us there. A man in his 20's came in with a weapon that was like a straight edge razor buy bigger. He then said he didn't care who he killed it was all about how many he killed. Then he attacked me and cut my face and sliced at my legs until I passed out. When I woke up he had chopped everyone to pieces. The police had cleaned it all up, but someone found a piece of finger. While I still had the house I lived there alone. It wax years later and the 2 of us who had survived were remembering back. Then I woke up. Weird but very vivid. I could feel the pain and fear. Also desire for DH.
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Change of Mind

I was busy most of the rest of the day looking up information for the presentation I will be making in the fall. And someone was sitting with me which kept me busy. The sky is looking very unusual with the sun setting making the sky look pink and everything is glowing. It's actually kind of eerie. In any case, I have almost gotten through another day without cutting. I have almost given up knitting wristlets because I keep losing track of where I am. This is very frustrating as my entire ability to knit has been reduced to knitting easy knit/perl combinations. I can't do anything else. Well, it's just one more thing I have to evaluate. Trying to think of things that I have not accomplished and most likely never will is hard. My aspirations are pretty much caught up in the economy and the safety of tenure. I realized today that little will change with my role. I have to really sit down and think this all through. I am scared to just face all of this, but I need to do that before I can move on. I also have to stop my fantasy life and face reality.

Having a really hard time about cutting. It started last night after I saw my PCP. I don't know if it was nerves about seeing him and the possibility of him seeing my scars or what. Seeing Camelot did not help. It is a great program, but it rinsed me of my childhood and the fantasies I had and then the character of Morgan cut herself. But urges have continued this morning. Making it even worse is the fact that I am wearing a 3/4 sleeve shirt and have covered my arm with an Ace bandage. But I am starting to feel the panic where I need to cut. I have to use my DBT skills. I'll check in later.


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Difficult nights

Every night this week I have thought about cutting. Last night I could not sleep at all. I kept waking up for no apparent reason. Slept on the bed, the chair, the couch with little success. I have an appointment with the patch dr. Maybe he can shed some light.


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Seeing and hearing things not there

It's been an exciting week. Haha. Monday I was eating some chocolate that wasn't Hersheys. Suddenly I was in Memere Whitmore's kitchen and then I started sobbing hysterically. I couldn't even finish eating the chocolate for several minutes. Really weird. Last night DH and I argued and then he went to bed. I saw him go into the dining room. He seemed darker and shorter than he was but who else could it be? But then he didn't come back out and I realized it wasn't him that I saw go by. Once in bed, I could hear a man talking in the living room. Except instead of just letting it go by, I was terrified, so much so that I almost woke DH up to turn the lights on. I was eventually able to get up without waking him up (he hurt his back and I wanted to let sleep.) Tonight I had the urge to cut that was almost too hard to ignore. This seemed to be triggered by watching a show about the beginning of monotheism and the background of the worship of the one God. I think I am going crazy, really crazy, something I have feared would happen. That my condition would deteriorate to incapacity. Please let that not be the case.

Another piece or two falls apart

Well, two more parts of my life fell apart tonight. My son, my beautiful brilliant son, has pretty much decided to drop out of college. He had a lot of trouble earlier this semester and apparently dropped three of his four courses. He kept the one he felt he could still pass. His plans are to get a full time job and to try to work with a brewery, an area his finds interesting. I realize he was so relieved to finally tell me, he was unloading his burden and I believe it is important that I not show my disappointment. I will eventually get used to it. I really do want him to be happy and hopefully he will be on his way.

Then my husband and I started discussing things. I walked into it, but basically it boiled down to these things:

He wants me to see naturopaths for my disorders.
He wants me to see a dietician for my diet and to help me lose weight
He finds me unattractive right now because I weight too much and would rather not touch me.
My mother wants me back the way I was 25 years ago
He thinks I am looking him up to see if he is having an affair, which couldn't farther from the truth.

I guess I really need to look at what is going on in my life and somehow get it all arranged.

Spoken Word

Things are calmer than they have been. Very little thoughts of cutting though perhaps if I had been more awake this morning. I am starting a new blog today so I can share some other thoughts about things I know longer know if I have been more detailed about. Dr. S encourages me yesterday to try to put some things aside when I they are big things, then when things are calmer, I can pick them up again. He also suggested that I might see S. more often to help guide me since I am often not sure if I am thinking about things like other people do or if it the BPD.


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Things going on

I exercised today and am feeling better now than I have all day. I got a really nice complement on my appearance.

Doing really poorly today. I am very drowsy, which can be good because I can't concentrate on other things as well. It's going to be a long day at work. Back to work.

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Location:Work

When I left the hospital last Tuesday I said I was finished with that part of life. I feel like I was seriously considering suicide. I don't feel like that now. I believe BH may have found a clue to the problem. Apparently there has been a link between Advair and depression. I am going to discuss this with the doctor tomorrow. If this is the case it would help a lot. Until then I will hold back on further comment.

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Location:Uconn

ER

Well by the time Dr. M called I had taken a total of 8mg of ativan. He made P take me to the ER. They said the cuts weren't too bad and they checked all my vitals. I said I would be ok if I went home. They wrapped my arm up. It felt all tight and warm and safe. Now they are just out there and calling to me. I kind of slept all day, but may take more ativan for bed time. Tomorrow we are going to try to finish the bedroom. The ball in my stomache is still there but it is smaller. I can't type for anyhting

Still no help

I have still not heard from dr.s s or m. Guess I have bluffed once to often though they don't feel like bluffs to me. I cut more if my front arm hit some good spots. I feel a little of the pressure is gone. I hoped I would get them cleaned up but there were no opportunities. More later-there is more pressure that I still need to deal with.

orb

There is a giant orb in my core that takes up all the space and threatens to grow and destroy me from the inside out. If I could take enough pills it would shrink and disappear. If I could cut or hurt myself strongly enough it would flake into pieces and disappear. Unless I do something it willsit there and kill me from the inside out. And worse than that it leads to real thoughts of suicide. Drowning, overdose, strangulation are what fills my mind and threatens to take over every other thought. I have called Dr. S. But he hasn't called back yet. PLEASE HELP ME

Still hurting

I am still hurting. We went to hear some Celtic music when we got home I couldn't get alone quickly enough. Relief was not long enough. I have been thinking of so many things that have me feeling very dark, deadly thoughts I need to call Dr. S. Once again, please help

Tranquility

They all look so calm. Things kids say roll off of them while they ricochet inside my brain bumping into other similar thoughts until they get my brain all twisted and uptight. Other times I just want help getting rid of them all. That's when the thoughts make me think of taking many extra meds. I want to sleep for a long time and only wake up to the peace. Some of these thoughts are the struggle over cutting, taking meds, or other ways to soothe my bumper car brain. Are there people who never feel this way? If so I envy them. How do they do that? My breathing is wrong, I can't keep my legs still and I feel like I need to cut (or bite or break something) to release the pain. It doesn't work for long but it is better than nothing.
Want to call somebody but I don't know who to call. PLEASE HELP!

Sick

I have been sick for the past couple of days with a cold. Now I just sound terrible but feel better physically. I have been looking for help all day, but finally gave in and cut. I am sure I will again. I tried several different things to keep from doing it. I tried distracting, praying, mindfulness, thinking about what it would do to my family. Nothing worked and by the time I got home I was considerig other more lethal things. I actually put a sock around my neck. I also counted all my Ativan, which I had 30 of this time rather than 19. When I was trying to get the razor apart to use it, I found a hack saw that was pretty sharp and then a carpet knife. I was able to resist the temptation of both of those, but now I am alone again. Several times I looked up several things on suicide and cutting, but found no relief-I just kept wanting to type HELP and have someone or something show up to take it all away.

I have tried all day to discover where this all came from. I got my hair highlighted yesterday. I love it, but I don't know about anyone else since there was little other commentary. Once before someone said I was a beautiful woman. I can see this a bit, I don't think I am a dog and I think I have great eyes and nice smile. But someone else said I was a beautiful woman yesterday. This makes me all confused because I am not sure how they mean that. It also makes me feel uptight because I feel like I am somehow letting them down.

I watch the images and news that floods about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and feel helpless to help them. I want to be able to go there and dig with my hands if need be I want to help find survivors, just something to make their lives easier at this horrific time. But at the same time I doubt I would be able to help them in my current state. I don't know if I will ever be able to provide this kind of help. I have been feeling kind of let down with my life. I wanted to be doing much more than I am and lately I have wanted to help other people get better, but since that eludes me, I don't think that will happen.

Suiger is seems to have expanded his life a bit longer. The steroids are holding off the effects of the lesions on his brain for now. I am enjoying time with him and indulging him  a bit. I let him outside tonight, we toured the house a couple of times and then I brought him in. He seemed really nervous by the time I brought him in. His tail was all bushed and he was hissing. A little overwhelming for him.

Saturday Night

We got the room ready for painting and then BH had a friend and his sons over to watch a movie. They had a good time. I spent so much time with them, that I had little time to think of other things. I have agreed to take over BH ipod and give mine to DS. It was my fault he lost his other, if he hadn't been coming to the hospital he wouldn't have lost it. I am hoping to be tired soon so I won't think about anything else. Good night.

How else out?

I have had trouble as the week has gone on. Thursday and Friday I battled the urge to cut or overdose both days. Yesterday I couldn't stand it any more and used my jack knife in my car at school-this could get me in such trouble. I did call Dr. S. and asked him to call me back. When he did I eventually told him how I have been feeling about him. It was very scary, but he asked me to talk to S. about it, because he felt it would help me. He also told me that I could still be his patient. I spent today with my sister shopping. I had to buy something of course, but I may return it. BH and DS went to Manchester together. I fought the urge to cut, but lost (or won) and cut just a couple of times. I feel very tired now and am ready to go to bed.  I hope that I can control this all and get over it quickly. I slept for a long time last night after I spoke to the doctor. Now I just want to hit the sack for one last time-we will be taking the bedroom apart in preparation for our new bedroom set coming in. Good night.

Some nightmares

One night I had a nightmare about spiders. My mom was allowing some to grow large in her kitchen, except it was my kitchen. They were very large and it was almost impossible to go by without disturbing them and they were aggressive and very poisonous. The night before was the return of the witch nightmare. Except instead of being in a house, I was at a school. I had to go into the library where the witch was. I did actually go in in spite of my fear. Then I couldn't get the kids to leave and they kept sneaking in and getting on computers. It was both scary and bizarre. Two nights ago it was that I was driving somewhere and there was the water on both sides and then it started to cover the road and I couldn't see where the road was, DS offered to drive but I wouldn't let him. Then last night I dreamt I was a grandmother watching over her 4-year-old grandson who was setting out to complete a quest on his own. I was there to make sure he made it ok without being stopped. I guided him to places to get food and clothing. Then he stopped at a theatre where people were singing. Then they stopped singing and it became dark and that was when evil entered the building and I woke up. I spent about ten minutes praying and even after I got up I was still praying. It was so scary, I couldn't get back to a peaceful spot.

New week, new feeling

I was pretty down last week, but I feel better this week. Course not having to work half of last week probably helped. More and more snow, with more coming this week. Tomorrow I show my agility by getting on the roof to get rid of snow. BH is not good with heights. Hopefully no ambulance rides. I don't know why I never thought of this before but when I daydream about negative interactions I feel worse. Caught myself a couple of times this week and turned it around. Still some fleeting thoughts of cutting (when I thought about people seeing my scars) and once or twice about killing myself but nothing really bad.

I have been wearing make-up for a couple of weeks and still need some practice but it is going ok. Now I haven't decided about the highlights but I am thinking about it strongly. I don't know what BH and DS will think, but we'll see. I realize this is all kind of vain, but I do feel a bit better, I just need to redifine this whole thing.

I am worried about the cats. The Deaf One has pruned his back to almost nothing and I think Foxy has lost weight. I will be taking them to the vet on Tuesday. I'm trying two at once again and hope there are no peeing incidents. I have been watching movies with BH every night. Tonight was Gidget, I tried not to tease too much, but it was really hard to resist. He has been surprised by how many of his movies I have already seen. I didn't have a lot of other things to do when I was growing up. With no cousins my age I was kind of alone. And while I have my family, I am still alone. Shopping today was on my own because he would have been no fun, so I sent him to the three B's, Best Buy, Borders and Barnes and Noble. He found some DVDs.

I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow and my therapist. I did call her about the whole second opinion thing. If she continues to bad mouth him, I will have to leave her. I REALLY don't want to, but I can't be put in the middle anymore and since she is the one with the problem, it will be her that I move away from. I have already hashed through this, so I'm going to leave it alone.

I am feeling like I may be able to start copying my journals from the hospital onto here. I am sure I will be embarrassed by how petty I was, I can do better as I go on.

What to do?

I felt really great last week. Things were going well and I really thought I would stay that way. But life doesn't work that way. Starting on Friday I felt like cutting myself or drowning or stabbing myself. I spent some time in church which only got me more confused. I have been asking God for help for many years and I wonder if he is helping me more than I think and I just don't know enough to take it.

I met with my therapist yesterday and she urged me to get a second opinion about my meds because she doesn't like the ones I am taking. This is the third or fourth time since January that she has tried to get me to change doctors. It is very stressful. I have no intention of changing doctors. I trust and like him and I have heard from other professionals that he is good (GP, pharmacist, therapists.) Somewhere along the line she took offense at something and seems to have lost respect. It is looking more likely that I will have to change therapists because I can't continue with things the way they are. It makes me doubt that I am thinking with a clear mind about his care for me.

I should realize by now that life isn't perfect and that I sometimes I need to do things that I don't want to. Thinking and writing about these things are hard, but I can't avoid them forever. Working through them will help me understand that I can survive unpleasant things. Kind of funny considering that I was thinking of poking a knife into my chest (not a very pleasant thing to think about either.)

I have been spending a lot of time with my DH. He likes to watch old movies and most of the time I don't mind sitting using the computer. He likes the company and so do I. I think I may skip that tonight. I have been doing more housework and cooking, though tonight's chili was ruined by mistaking 2 chili chipotle peppers for two CANS. As soon as it cools it will hit the trash. I will try it again on Friday.

My therapist wants me to write down what leads me to the dark thoughts. Sometimes I can't really figure it out, but I suppose there is something.

Absolute obsession

I find myself completely obsessed with my psychd. He is all I can think about and cannot control my search for information about him. In spite of my discovery that people can find out who was searching for them, I still needed to look up his family again. I really have to stop.

In other news, I have purchased a whole bunch of make-up. It is all-natural with no chemicals and actually doesn't look too bad. I need to practice putting it on, but I feel a little better about myself by using it. I have not worn it for years and spurned it, but find my interest renewed. I realize I am not getting younger and in spite of my  younger looks, I still feel the need to help things along with facial care products.

I have been enjoying the DBT program. I have even done the homework. I feel like it could help me if I keep the tools in mind. I am also ready to go back to work. I need to find something to keep me busy instead of shopping. BH has us on a good track financially and if we keep it up we could have money to use for some repair work that NEEDS to be done. I actually got up today and did some work around the house. It is the first time in a while I have been able to do this. I hope this trend continues.

Happy New Year!