Well today was one of those really great days. I have been having trouble the past couple of weeks and have had very strong urges to cut. Then I have had trouble sleeping. So I took some extra clonazepam two nights ago and yesterday I took some extra seroquel. At about 8:30 this morning I went to the office to write a referral for a truly rude and disrespectful student and I just kind of crumpled to the floor. I could not stand up and I pretty much went into a very extended dissociative episode which lasted until about 5 (after a two hour nap.) I don't remember much, which is good because it cuts down on the humiliation factor. The nurses helped me walk to their office and then I lay down for a while. I eventually went back to work, though I have no clue what I did. Now, I just feel really rung out. I really hate myself-I should be better, there are so many people out there with real problems. Forget it.

I have finished physical therapy which is good because my shoulders are in great shape and there will be no more afternoon appointments. However, it also means I won't get to see the PT anymore. As I described earlier he was really hot. Dark looks with a nice face and beautiful eyes. Slim, but not too much with a great ass and wonderful warm strong hands. (I got the opportunity to spend some time checking him out today.) I know it is just the obsessive BPD thinking, but he has conveniently forgotten to let go of my hands several times when he finished working and the hug I got as a goodbye today was also nice.
I behaved myself for the whole time, but now the things I am thinking and feeling. Oooh. Maybe tonight there won't be any nightmares. I just feel so guilty because I haven't felt this way towards BH in a long time. Wow. That's it.

Well, the ultrasound is done. There was something there, I could see it on the screen and the fact the the radiologist measured and viewed it from every angle added to my thoughts. She also was very concerned about when my follow up appointmnet was. So now I just wait to see what happens. I am so tired now. I barely slept last night and am falling asleep as I'm typing.

Also another tunnel incident. I had had toast and coffee so I wasn't hungry, but after watching a video, I had trouble refocusing on the classroom where I was physically located. No tunneling effect though. It was about 5 pm.

Another night, another bad dream. This one was a bit different. BH was divorcing me, though I can't remember why. It bothers me because I think of what I have put him through and know that in some ways he would be better off if I weren't around.

I find myself kind of shaky lately. I am also losing weight again. I know the weight loss is in adding the Strattera (kind of like Alice, this pill makes you smaller, this one makes you taller). I am not sure about the shaky part. It might be because of the crazy eating schedule I have, or it could be nerves about work, or school, or J coming up for Christmas. But it probably is the Strattera and I don't believe the benefits outweigh the side effects, but I will give it one more month. Dr. P suggested Ritalin, but I am not sure I would like the ups and downs of it. Since it is a stimulant it works really well for a certain number of hours after taking it, but then that wears off and the hyperactivity comes back. It was great for DS in elementary school, because it let him be in control in school and then at home it didn't matter. Now he needs something that is more consistent and the Ritalin made him lose too much weight when he had to take a larger dose.

Ok, so I ate breakfast, wasn’t tired, and had fluids. After carrying a couple of boxes upstairs the tunnel happened with blocked, fuzzy hearing and then the sound of rushing water to almost a high pitched whine. So what’s up with that?

Well, last night made up for the past couple of weeks. I can't remember most of my dreams for the night, but they were on the nightmare side. Then early this morning I woke up screaming. I was in a building somewhere and a man put his head inside the door. At first it was someone I knew, then it was someone absolutely terrifying, but I don't know who. It still makes my stomach cramp and makes me cry it was so scary. I just wish I knew who it was. I woke up DS with the screaming and he asked me what happened and then told me that talking to him would help. He is such an empathetic, caring kid, he is truly a blessing.

I haven't dreamt as much over the past couple of weeks and I haven't woken terrorized by a nightmare. However, last night's dreams were disturbing. It was night in Willimantic and my mother told me I had to go bail Steven out. It wasn't really safe on the way over, but I made it there ok. After I paid his bail, and before he and his girlfriend left he told me he wanted the photographs and another item that had been left in his house. Mom showed me where his house had been and now it was a grassy area near the water.

I had to walk home late at night in Willimantic and a woman had been killed. Mom and T. and I went to the beach. As I went out to the water, I found two women's bodies. One was decapitated, but the other was just dead. After calling the police there was only one body, the decapitated one and she was all twisted and bloody. I can't remember her face but it was all cut up. I kept telling the police that the killer was in a certain town, but they wouldn't believe me.

Last night I dreamt that we were camping in cabins/houses, it must have been in Russia. One of the boys in the youth group tried to help some other kids defect. The Russian kids were caught but he ran away. I got everyone to go looking for him and yelling to him, but he wouldn't come out. I was afraid something had happened to him. I had to call his parents, but I couldn't get my phone to work. It wasn't really a nightmare, more of a bad dream. I just couldn't get him to come back or find him.

Then I got up and couldn't find the door. I kept trying to go through the window, it was very confusing. The colors were wrong and I then I couldn't focus on anything. Sometimes when I convince myself I am not crazy, I go do something like that. I know that there are people out there who really need help and have nothing, but sometimes I just want it to all go away. I want to be normal without medication, but I don't want to go back to who I was. I'm gaining weight again now that summer is over and I had two bowls of cereal, a serving of mandarin oranges, a soda, a Lean Cuisine thing and two cany bars and now it's only 8:30 and I'm starving, with my stomach growling and everything.

I don't remember class too well tonight. It was busy at school with lots of classes and I was alone because C. was out sick again. Then I had to come home, check on DS then go back to campus. Rambling, like usual. Too much to deal with.

First the dryer doesn't work, then we get it fixed, then it doesn't work and we are given one, but it only turns the drum with no heat. We buy a new dryer and this one doesn't heat and then we discover a blown fuse! Eventually we will have a dryer again, but until then I am refusing to do any laundry. I hung the clothes out for 5 months, which is something considering all we do.

I haven't had any nightmares that I remember since I started on the Strattera. I seem to be very sleepy and have a headache, but I think that is allergies. Killing frost is predicted for tonight or tomorrow night, then I'll see how it goes. Two nights ago I did wake up screaming, but I don't think it was a nightmare, it was because BH woke me up abruptly and scared the hell out of me. Then, once you get your heart down to 120bpm, there's no way to go back to sleep. And it wasn't even important, it had to do with one of the cats. The last dream I had before I woke this morning was about me and my mother being together with a group of women. We were rooming together doing some kind of program. In any case it was getting close to when we were to leave, but I wanted to go to the beach. I often have dreams when I want to go to the beach and can't get there due to time constraints, emergencies, or physical barriers. I have no idea what that may mean, but it occurs in my dreams at least a couple of times a month.

I have read or heard a couple of really good books lately. I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Chbosky. It is an honest and fair portrayal of teenage life and the author does not apologize for the presence of abortion, drugs and drinking which really are a part of most of our youth’s life. This is the book students should be reading instead of Catcher in the Rye, which is considered a classic, no longer represents a situation most of our students can relate to. The Baby Boomers need to give it up. I would recommend this book to any students mature enough for the subject matter, probably at least a junior or senior high school student.

I also finished listening to Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. Once again she has written an engaging book that makes the reader or listener really think. Atwood has the uncanny ability to use current events and trends and take them one step further to what could easily be the future. This is another hit for her. This book is for adults, though some mature students might enjoy it as well.

I listened to Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. It was an ok story, but I will not read the next two books in the series. It is a best seller, though I am not sure why. The writing is mediocre and filled with references to a specific type of computer. I wonder how much the author got paid for those subliminal ads. I would not recommend this books to adults and while the reading level may be at an older level, the story itself can best be enjoyed by children at grade levels 4-7 who will find some of the humor right up their alley.

Last year I joined Audible.com. I pay a monthly subscription of $19.95 and can choose two audibooks each month. The price is right and they have a very wide selection books, including recently released books.
Link

This week hasn’t gotten much better. BH overpaid the bills again and now we’re scrambling for money for food and gas until our next paycheck. I was really angry with him because he just does not seem to get it. Maybe he has now. I had a ugly confrontation with two teachers because they got to school early and got the library unlocked so everything was open with no one watching out for the equipment. They got here early and thought they should always have access to the Riso machine. I feel like a teenager about the female teacher, when she came this morning and in a very obvious way said thank you to C. I called her a bitch under my breath. I’ve sunk to the level of many of our female students. I’m exhausted and just want to go home and sleep.

I’ve also been bothered by an incident that happened a few years ago that I had forgotten about until this week and now it really creeps me out. While talking to a consultant hired by the school he was masturbating. He did it with his hands in his pants but I still new. How disgusting! And why me? When I spoke to someone about it they recommended that I should never be alone with him-not that there would be any chance of that!

It’s back to work.