More grey weather and warm too. Not like 60 degree warm but high 40's warm. Too warm for snow, but too cold for a lot of outdoor activities. And it's supposed to rain again today. It's turning out to be a bleak fall. I have one more book to review, but I don't feel much like doing it right now. I have successfully learned to use the Video Furnace. It doesn't take up much of my time because it tapes in real time, so once it starts I have an hour or more to just leave it. Can't remember what I was going to say so I'll write more later.

Today is a crappy day. It is cloudy and rainy again and it is too warm for December. I'm really tired and can't wait to get home to nap, but first DS has an appointment, so I drive all the way home, pick him up then drive all the way back. It's ridiculous. Well at least it is supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I have been reading some very good children's literature blogs. I read them once a day and get to find out what is going on out there.

Some of the one's I like are:
Fuse#8
Book Moot
hiplibrariansbookblog
Neil Gaiman's Journal
and
bookshelves of doom

Check them out and see how you like them. There are a few more I read that I have not included here.

Thanksgiving and the weekend were nice. We had Thanksgiving at D.'s house. We went to visit Pop, then went shopping. On Saturday we did some cleaning and Sunday we helped fix the garage door at Mom and Dad's. I went to see Dr. S. It was an interesting appointment. He turned an entire incident around so I could see it from the other side's point of view. He also said that my motivation is probably just lagging from boredom and did not change any of my medication. DS. has a cold and was miserable yesterday with it. He took a good long nap which cured some of it. Then we forgot the no games rule and he played for three hours. OOPS! I have to write to his teachers and see how he is doing. I will probably write today. I am almost afraid to see how things are going after an ok report card. More later.

I should have stayed home today. I am so drowsy, it's not funny. DS has a showcase tonight and I want to be awake for that. He has an assignment that is due tomorrow that he hasn't finished yet. I am really angry with him for being in this situation because I encouraged him earlier this week to get ahead on it, which of course he didn't do.
I have been reading great things about a book called Flotsam, by David Wiesner. I am betting that it is this year's Caldecott winner. Probably not a difficult choice to make, since everybody who has reviewed it has given it rave reviews.
I have to be careful about working out when listening to a book. Tuesday, I was listening to Maximum Ride and the main characters were being chased. At the same time I was working on a machine for my arms and apparently got caught up in the moment and didn't pay attention to the fact that the weight was far more than I usually work out. I can really feel it on my arms today.
It's raining again today (fourth day in a row with cloudy skies.) Maybe we will get some sunshine to finish putting the shed together and fix the garage door. The garage itself needs cleaning but I think that will have to wait for another weekend. bye now.

I read an incredible book on Friday. It was called The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. It was not the most well written book I have ever read and it was written for a younger audience, but it will haunt you for days after reading it. BH has a cold and is really tired. He has been doing to many weekend things and needs to take a break. I'm pretty tired too. I will be asking Dr. S. about my meds because I think they may be too much for me. I feel like a slug all the time and don't really want to do anything, even read. I'll be seeing him this week and can ask about it. DS has new medication to take and see if it works better.
Bedtime.

Mostly different guys except one. We had a great time, but a long drive home!

Here are the guys.

This past week went by pretty quickly. DS was all caught up with work. I am going to speak to Dr. S about my lack of motivation. I am not even up to reading or knitting which is unusual. I don't feel too depressed so I am wondering if it is one of my meds. I'll have to wait until next week to find out.
We really are into fall because it has been in the twenties during the overnight and only up to the forties during the day. Nice crisp days as long as your dressed right. We finished the leaves and BH mowed so all we have left is to clean the shed and get it ready for winter (and fix the garage door, which currently is only available manually.)
Back to work.

Made a fool of myself last night telling about a dream I had last year. I just couldn't keep it to myself. Oh well, I didn't tell the whole thing so part of it is still mine alone. I don't know if everyone keeps secrets to themselves, but I know I do. They are little things, but things I relish to hold onto for me alone.

This weekend was great. We got most everything cleaned up and put away and we could finally relax. I donated blood for the first time. Then I just seemed to let everything go and I could feel my body let go of the tension that has been there for a while. I've also kind of given in to work. The right opportunity will come by at the right time. DS was very busy this weekend with homework in every class and a couple of papers to right. He worked really hard all weekend and I am proud of his work. BH also seemed to relax even though we worked all day cleaning, laundry, cat litter, etc. Now we will start getting into the Christmas rush, but I'm not freaked out about that yet. J even called me last night, which is always surprising. Gotta to go cause I'm at work.

This week has been a long one. One of our former students committed suicide this week. He graduated last year. In many ways, it is almost like it didn't happen since there is almost nothing being said about it. I don't know if this is because he graduated last year or because he committed suicide. The administration has given us a list of students to watch out for who were his friends. His family has kept quiet about it, though they are having a wake and funeral for him, both of which the public is invited to. (I know that is not proper English.) Hopefully I can get my own thoughts and feelings straightened out quickly.

DS is being stubborn about finishing his school work and wants to see M. tonight for 1 1/2 hours. I have decided I will leave him there by himself so he may talk to her more than he shares with me. Something I don't like but will give in to anyway. I am jealous of the fact that he will share with her, but not me, but I am glad he will share with someone.

We had a good weekend, the weather was fantastic until Sunday when it rained, but that seemed almost fitting for the occasion. Even though I knew some of the people in the Colonial Army, it was still intimidating to be in between two lines of people knowing that your side was surrendering. DS seemed to have a good time, so I think it was good that we brought him, even though he now has work to make up.

The weather outside is great today, at least it looks great-it is cold out there. I think this may actually be the killing frost for my roses. They have withstood the weather so far because they are close to the house, but if not today, then definitely by the end of the weekend.

I am very frustrated. Things seem to be going rapidly downhill for DS Everyday brings a new problem with school. In addition to grade problems, he has been mistakenly given cut slips when he wasn't cutting. I just feel like I don't know where to go. I have a call into his school with his teachers, the assistant principal and his caseworker, with no response from any of them. I also have a call into M to talk to her.

He seems to be fine, but something is wrong, I just don't know what and I don't know what to do for him. He has plenty of time for homework, even with the extra school day. Is he overwhelmed, is he rebelling either actively or passively, what's up. Anyone who ever tells me that being a parent is easy is not doing it right!

We'll be going away for a couple of days this week and it should be fun. I just hope the weather is good. I am also worried about P. He has been going flat out for several weeks and I am concerned he will get sick after all this. I am going to try and drive as much as possible so he can rest while we are traveling. I wore my clothes yesterday. They were pretty comfortable, though they will take some getting used to, especially the bra part. The stays do work well, but it's not quite the same. It's a bit stiffer because of the way it is made with boning. Time to get out of here.

I always seem to post about the weather. I think part of it is a New Englander's obsession with the changing weather. An hour ago we had a downpour with strong winds. Now the sun is out. I'll try harder not to comment on the weather.

Spent most of today actually working. I had lots of little things to do, including the newsletter (as it may be), reading VOYA, sending out emails to listservs, etc. Now I just have to wait for replies. I know I will be overwhelmed at the responses. There is a speaker I believe would be good for our school and I put out feelers to see if she is good. I also looked into joining one of the audio book review committees. To be on the committee you have to attend the conferences and of course they are not all on the East Coast so I have to discuss this with Peter. I've hardly ever gone to conferences, but they are expensive.

Today has been a bit exciting so far. Someone smelled gas and we had to evacuate. However, most of us thought it was just a drill. We were only outside for a few minutes and the temperature outside was as warm as it was inside-still haven't got those heat settings right. I am totally disgusted with our kitchen, it is so dirty, I don't want anyone to see it. I have started cleaning it by cleaning part of the stove. Over the next week or so I hope to get it all clean, including cupboards and the refrigerator.

A couple of schools have been put on lockdown recently, one because a student had a loaded gun and was planning on murdering 3 other students. Scary stuff that kids can get those guns and then plan on killing someone with them. I don't like to think about it, but I know that we have students here that have weapons on them and we just don't know it.

Back to better thoughts, it is a glorious fall day with lots of sunshine and blue skies with a touch of autumn breezes. Too bad I won't have time to enjoy it today. I have an appointment and then I have to go shopping. I only own three pairs of work pants and three shirts to use. I have been swapping them around, but now it is time to get something else, even if I don't really like the other choices out there.

Yesterday and today were wonderful days. It was sunny and you could feel the wind was an autumn breeze. I mowed part of the lawn, but was stopped by a heavy pile of leaves that need to be raked before I finished mowing. I really hate raking leavesm but it has to be done.

I started attending a bible group called Mark on Mondays where will be study the Gospel of Mark. It went fairly well last night. It was a whole different group of people than I usually meet with, which was nice. And I did participate in the discussion.

The bit of fall we had is gone and been replaced by warm, muggy weather. Yesterday was an interesting day. It was quiet and welcoming, though a bit confusing to me. Apparently I am really not an abstract thinker because I never see things with the insight that others do. I think I am probably right brained. In spite of this I enjoyed the day. The other women were very nice and the leader was a wonderful guide. It was definitely a day of relaxation which I have continued into today.

I finished knitting my sweater and am now sewing it together. I also worked on a sock I started yesterday. It is a simple sock pattern, but the yarn is beautiful superwash wool in different shades of deep aqua and blues. It reminds me of ocean colors and currents. The texture is smooth and cool, not slippery at all, so it is easy to knit.

I finished listening to Forest by Sonya Hartnett. As with other books she has authored it is an unusual and entrancing story. A city cat and two kittens are dumped in a forest after their owner has died. The novel, told from the cats' perspective, describes the journey home for Kian and the two kittens who lived with him, Cally and Jem. The cats evenutally find their way out into the grasslands and the familiarity of the human world. This story however, is no Mother Goose tale, and the evils and dangers the cats face are all too real. While fear and hunger are their constant companions, they also run across the paths of a dog on the loose and the dangers of the road. Hartnett has given voices to the cats that seem to perfectly suit them as felines. The fates of Kian and the kittens keep the reader (listener) entranced right up to the end of the book, and as with her other works, the ending is one that is never as expected.
(Caroline Lee gives an excellent narration of the book.)

From Amazon.com (much better than mine):
Kian, a cossetted suburban cat, is snatched from his comforts and dumped in the bush along with two kittens, Cally and Jem. The greatest threat to their survival are other cats, ferals who fiercely guard their territories. Kian survives some unnerving and vicious encounters but is unswerving in his desire to make the long journey home to his territory even though it is apparent his owner is dead and that there will be no welcome from the cruel man who has taken over the house. Hartnett's creation of the cat's point of view and her sensuous depiction of the forest is exceptional in its imagination, beauty and truth.

There was a taste of fall today with the temperature getting down to the 30's. I hope my roses are ok-I didn't get a chance to cover them and they all have alot of new growth and many buds. It isn't supposed to get that cold again for the next week.

The open house went well with all of DS's teachers saying he was doing ok. It is recommended that we move him from his B level science class to A level. We are all for this because we know he can do the work, he just needs the motivation.

Frank Capra Jr. came to speak at the magnet school DS attends. I thought that was pretty cool and so did he.

It's a long drive out to the retreat tonight, right in the middle of rush hour. I am hoping that the traffic won't be too bad. Dinner will be quiet, with only 2 of us (or maybe 4) eating. The area is beautiful and it might be warm enough to take a walk.

I feel kind of bad for T. today. E. is going on her first field trip and because of the new baby she can't go and Mom is going instead. That must be really hard. I rescued her from a couple of garden snakes that W. dug out of the ground. He bit the bigger one's tail which really ticked it off and it tried to bite both of us. I did move them both to a stone wall, but I am not sure that T really liked that. She kept a close watch on C. and wouldn't let her out of her sight.

At least I'm awake now and not so cold. We turned the air conditioning up because it was too warm at the beginning of the week, today it was way too cold. I finally have something to do. The book order I placed earlier was entered wrong and now I have to do it again. That will be a task for tomorrow. DS's science teacher has still not called me. He did/could not complete an assignment and I want to get the whole story before I decide what to do. It is very irritating that they do not respond to calls. There is still time today, but not much. Maybe she'll still call. Tonight is open house, so we will get a chance to see and meet her then but I doubt there will be time to talk to her. I am also concerned how he is doing with social activities but I don't want to seem like I am bugging him about it. Tomorrow I will talk to M. about it and suggest that she and DS talk alone.
I am going on what has turned out to be a very intimate retreat. There will only be 7 of us. Speaking of social activities, I am a bit nervous about the retreat, but have to be confident about myself. It will be a good learning experience in more than one way. When I wrote earlier today about Friday night I forgot about the retreat. Shows just how awake I was!
Only a little over an hour left!

I can't remember last night's dream but I know it was an ok dream, not a nightmare. One of us has had a meeting every night this week. Tonight is open house and we are going to that. Friday night is free so far and I can't wait. I feel very sleepy today-could it be boredom seeping in? I have to think up a topic so I can write another article and try my hand again to see if I get published. I am still waiting for a couple of books to arrive so I will have something to catalog.

Nightmare

Last night's nightmare involved a witch who used me to have sex with men who wanted it. She also had killed many girls and the bodies were in the attic. The really scary part was that once I was rescued everyone thought that she was dead, but I knew she wasn't and would do the same to other girls (both killing girls and selling live ones as prostitutes.) I can't figure this one out. The house the woman lived in was a beautiful house and had a heated pool and jacuzzi, which I was allowed to use. The bodies were up in the attic space in that room that I never want to enter. This one was especially weird. At least I didn't wake up screaming from this one.
It is official, I am bored with little to do. I can't believe it is only the third week of school. (Actually I do have something to do-I can move books if I want to-but I don't want to.)

Well, school is back in session and things are going well. There are always a few hitches in a new building. The rest is pretty much the same. I am already getting close to the end of new work to do and boredom will soon set in. I have started earnestly looking for a new job. I don't know what will happen, but everything in its own time. Anxiety was a problem for the couple of days of school, but that is mostly gone. I am going on a retreat this weekend-with no one I know so it will make me a bit nervous. Things seem to be going well for DS he has kept up with homework so far and appears to be adjusting well to both new schools. BH is doing the same as always, contented, though he is still adjusting to his braces. Back to work.

I think I finally realized why I don't like it when BH goes away. I'm afraid he woon't come back. Everything that is him, his toiletries, some of his clothes, he takes with him. That's why I get so anxious. But he will come back because he loves me and I love him and I do my best to be a good wife. But this time I know he will come back.

Summer is definitely here and has been for a while. In addition to extra rain this spring and early summer, the sultry days have made part of our backyard into a jungle. I have to wait to mow it until next week when I get my scythe back from my Dad. Thoughts of cutting have been hanging around the past week or two. Dr. S. said that it has to do with my low self-esteem. While I am sure that is part of it, it also has to do with just getting over with it and then not having to fight it anymore. I am seeing more how how chronically ill people have to take things day by day.

I went to a retirement party tonight for a fellow teacher. It's really great for her to be retiring after 40 years of teaching, but we will miss her. She was a great teacher and is a good person.

I didn't really feel like taking my meds last night. Even the thought of counting them out made me feel tired. I don't know why, it just did. I did take everything though they were difficult to swallow. It had been a busy day and there were too many things going on so maybe that was it. Lately I have been very anxious about driving anywhere. I'm concerned we'll get into an accident. This is especially true when we leave DS at home. I worry what would happen to him if something happened to us. I guess that's a good thing since before I thought it wouldn't matter to him if something happened to me. Anyway, I'm feeling better today and now if I can just get through the next week of school.

Temperature's rising

It's 84 degrees in the office today. We thought the cooler weather outside might help, but it hasn't. Sometimes I do things that are so stupid. A student came in to hook a keywording machine to a computer, but I couldn't find a place to put it on the computer. When I went to ask J. he carefully unplugged the wrong end and plugged in the right end. Oh well, that's the way it goes sometimes. We had a weird and wicked lightning bolt last night. It hit something one road over. It came out of nowhere, no thunder, no rain, just this bolt so strong, it made the house shake. It hit something one road over and produced smoke, but no problems at our house, besides the ringing ears and hastened heartbeat. We are supposed to have more storms today, which I'm hoping hold off until the guys finish up at Six Flags.

Summer is here!?

With the advent of warm weather, the heat is gradually rising in the library and the office. It is up to 84 degrees today in the office and not much cooler outside. The temperature is expected to be lower tomorrow so we may catch a break. Everybody who comes in complains which doesn't help. Right now I just want teh day to end. I had very strong urges to cut last night, but I didn't. I seem to be uptight about something, but I am not sure what. Even my asthma is acting up. Working out this afternoon may help, though I dread the heat. Well, back to work.

Boredom

Things have been a bit boring lately at work. While we wait to get packing, we have time periods when there is little to do. I am using it to do some reading of books I should be familiar with just in case. Things have been going quietly at home. I still have dark insights to events that I wish would go away, I guess I still need to work on that. Rather than thinking about the bad things that could happen, I need to forget about them and concentrate on good things. Next weekend is just for us. We will go visit Pop and that is the only thing we will definitely be doing. Oh, we also have to get a new mailbox in because the only is currently being held together with duct tape, which of course matches the front door and the bathtub. Quite lovely, especially with the pink tile in the tub! One day it will all be gone, I can't wait!

While things can be boring, it can also be scary exciting. There is some kind of feud going on between some students and there was a confrontation today, which may continue on into other passing periods. There were no other adults out there which can be unnerving. It is amazing what people can argue about, and unfortunately it doesn't all get worked out in a nice way. Hopefully this is not one of those situations. I find it scary because DS will be at the high school next year with kids like this. I don't know how the vice principals and principal deal with all this conflict. I think I prefer the boring times.

S. has decided he is part of the decorations and spends part of each day sitting and watching the world go by. At least there is nothing breakable.

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Sharing

BH was watching a neighbor mow her lawn and commented that he could never stay in a house [after his spouse died.] Her husband died last fall and he said he just could never stay. Since he so rarely comments on anything like this, I considered his comment very seriously. It made me think of just how selfish depression is, where you think you are thinking of what is best for others, but it really is about the individual.

Springtime!

It has been beautiful all weekend and this shows just a bit of how it feels out there.

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Lenten Epiphany

On Saturday evening I realized that I had had no trouble with thoughts of cutting throughout the Lenten season. This has been one of my most difficult times in the past and it never even crossed my mind this year until I realized that the season was over. Things have been going well, though I cut it a little close with our budget this pay. We'll get through somehow like we always do. We needed to get DS a new retainer and instead of the $95.00 we were told it would cost, the price went up to $175.00! That was a bit of a shock! The weather has been great for this vacation so far and it is supposed to continue. Work outside is calling me.

Magnet School

I found out on Sunday that BS has been admitted to a magnet school for the arts. He will be focusing on creative writing. I was really amazed to read some of his latest works, including his application and the assignment he created the day he shadowed. He can write well! I guess I find this surprising because of all the diffulty we have had getting him to do writing assignments.
Things have gone well over the past couple of weeks. I did get a little nervous about the money situation, since we will now need to pay tuition, but I believe I have figured it out. I had one nightmare last week, probably because I was nervous about DS's audition. It was pretty terrible with a creature trying to kill me. P. was very good and left the light on so I could go back to sleep.
My ob/gyn now has me on birth control pills to get my period back to normal. Because of my other meds it is all messed up with having two periods and some with nothing. It's kind of ironic since we can no longer have children. Time to get back to work.

Arachnophobia

I am really terrified of spiders, so who is the one to find the spiders? Me. I went to work outside, put on a pair of gloves, then picked up some yard stuff. I felt something in my glove between my fingers and when I shook it out there was a spider that was about an inch long with a big body and big legs. I can still feel it between my fingers and am just thankful it didn't bite me. Other than that it was a good day, much better than last year when I was in the hospital. Just that darn spider I keep feeling between my fingers, Yuck!

Springtime

I discovered yesterday just a bit of what withdrawal feels like: headache, dizzy, high blood pressure, chills, etc. I wasn't able to get my prescriptions over the weekend, so by yesterday afternoon I was not feeling well. All better now. I have little do to at work since there is a workshop going on here. Maybe, I will begin to research for a new article. The last one apparently was not printed, though no one let me know. Oh well.

Non-stop

Whew! Between appointments, work, and getting things ready for meetings, I feel like I haven't stopped since Sunday. I had a good appointment with Dr. S. yesterday. He was delighted that I was doing as well as I am. It's been a long six years but I do thing I am doing better than I have since I was a teenager, when I was somehow coping with it all, sometimes not too successfully.
DS wants to attend a magnet school, which costs $3000. But we all think it would be good for him, so if he gets in, we'll figure out how to pay for it. He has a performance tonight which he is pretty excited about. We are missing the CD launch of a friend's but we can't be in two places at once and DS is more important for us to be at. Though we are disappointed to miss the other party.
More later, I need to find a way to imbed a link and I don't have the time or the patience to do it. I figured out the problem-Safari does not have all the functions available, so I need to do this from work. Just a quick note.

I have been reading the blog of Neil Gaiman, an author. I like his style, it is short and interesting. Right now he is discussing the filming of a movie based on one of his books. I just hope the movie will be shown here in the U.S.

Now to test this link and see if it works.

Tryouts

Just trying the mobile blogging functions. Yesterday I learned how to do audioblogs, today it was photo blog entries. This is pretty cool!

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I am feeling a little triumphant today. I realized while I have not lost the weight I would have liked to, I am still at a lower weight than I was last year. I haven't been able to work out this week because of birthdays and such, but I also haven't had any chocolate this week (except for that frosting which is now all gone!) When I was baking the cake for tonight I discovered what was missing from my cake making-the smelll of my mother's mixer as it worked. That was why it always felt like a birthday. Well, time for new traditions, as long as it doesn't involve using yogurt butter-which does not bake well into a cake.

I am coming to realize that I am mediocre. I may be intelligent, but my life falls short of what I wanted. I may have two Masters degrees but I am not the go get teacher librarian I always pictured, working with teachers to create all kinds of lesson plans and working with them and the kids. It is unlikely that I will ever teach at the college level and even my book reviews are not great-though I hope to work on that with practice. But I am ok, for the most part, with this. I have a great family life, a pleasant roof over my head, and a job to go to everyday, so we can live comfortably, even if it is always on the edge.

As I was taking my multitudes of medication, I wondered if I should just stop. But then came the memories of the spiral down into desperation. K. once said that John Nash (the mathematician portrayed in A Beautiful Mind) had his profound visions when he was not taking medication. Does this mean that he should not have been given medicine so he could be a genius through and through? I guess each person needs to decide this on an individual basis.
I am practicing not getting into the her/him/themselves bit. Part of the thesis defense that took place nearly two weeeks ago. I have actually finished. Of course it took four years more than it should have, but that was what the wallet and the mind could handle. Now I have two degrees and no where to go. Hopefully I will soon find what is my next step in life. No more school, no more kids, now I should find something less selfish to do.
Tired and unable to see with this old pair of glasses, I say goodnight.

Things having been going well. I actually bought a watch and am wearing it without any problem. It has been over six years since I could do that! I had to buy a new one though because they had no bands for the one I own. I also bought a really nice long skirt that hopefully does not make me look like a smurf (short and stubby) and I bought a really pretty sweater. Dressing nicely gives a new and better perspective on things. Oh well, back to work. Only an hour to go.

It has been a great end of the year. I think I actually get it. I understand how I might be missed if I were not here. It was a revelation that occured to me a couple of weeks ago. I suppose this is selfish, but at least I believe I am worth something. DS and BH and I really can have a good time together and they both need me as I need them. It's a great start to the new year. Happy New Year!