Before and After

I have been thinking about all the things I used to be before I was diagnosed. It's hard to say sick, since I have been that way since I was a young child. The medication changed me in many ways. I was more creative, more driven, smarter and in general a more "A" type personality. On the other hand I was more opinionated, more narrowminded and more difficult in general. So the whole thing has been a give and take. I could never sit still before and never understood how people could sit in a doctor's office and not read anything. Now it is normal for me. I can actually lay still in bed without having to get up as soon as I am awake. However, I did lose my ability to daydream. I miss that. It is part of how I have lost my ambition.

It has made me a better mother, though not quite as good a wife. I often wonder how much BH misses the thin, excitable woman he married. But now I am more "normal" than before.

DS and I went to visit Mom and Dad today. DS had lots to talk to Granddad about with the Robotics Club. I talked a little then vacuumed the floor. It only took a few minutes and it made Mom feel better. Quite a bit of stuff had been tracked in from the dog. I also got BH and DS to go to Wal-Mart with me. I thought they might have some knitting needles that I needed. No such luck. But I did buy more yarn with which to make a prayer shawl. (I am trying to keep up my writing skills, in case I ever need them again.) BH went to visit his dad today. He helped him with some picture hangers and took him grocery shopping. Pop always enjoys a visit from one of his sons and ropes them into helping with his errands. He is quite lonely and it would be great if he lived closer (I think). One of the sisters is putting all the stuff she has left from when their Mother died and is going to put it out for people to take. It should be an interesting adventure.

It felt kind of weird driving by MRNC without worrying about needing to visit someone there. Aunie C has started giving away things and has apparently decided she would be the next to go. I don't know what makes her think that.

I am listening to War of the Worlds. I think I may have mentioned this before but that was a good movie, but somewhat terrifying for me. Many of my nightmares were filled with giant things (dinosaurs, etc.) chasing me into hiding places with lots of loud footstomps. Sometimes I also find it difficult to watch CSI, etc. because they remind of nightmares of mutilated bodies. I don't need to add to what my imagination already comes up with. The most terrifying dream I have had was when I dreamt that someone was going to steal DS from me. We had gone outside to sleep because it was too hot in the house and BH was gone on reserve duty. I was so scared I went into the house, locked all the doors and windows and barely slept the rest of the night. I am taking Minipress to get rid of them, but it hasn't worked completely. I have had two nightmares this month, which is a lot better than other times, but they were pretty bad nightmares, even if I can't remember them, I remember how they left me feeling.

I have thought a lot about joining NAMI but haven't done that yet. Maybe soon.

Not so much guilt

I'm feeling better today. One thing I have to remember is that not everything is about me. This has nothing to do with me other than I know her and I need to keep that in mind. I have asked to have her prayed for at tomorrow's church service. I am still not sure if I will meet with n or not. From now on I will refer to bh (beloved husband) and ds (dear son.) If I am really ambitious, I will go to past posts and change them all. (Probably not.) Time for dinner.

For the first time in a week it was not freezing with a cutting wind. We got outside and cleared some brush and hauled it away in our temporary truck. Last Sunday a woman turned left in front of our car and completely wrecked our car. By the end of next week we will have a new one. Probably the same kind of car, but maybe not black. BH wants to get a bigger car because he is so upset about it all. I checked out the new ones they had and there were some different color choices. (I thought bright orange might make it easier to see our car-BH didn't laugh.)

Youth group again tomorrow. We will be working on our understanding of the Lord's prayer. I need to think of questions to ask about it, but I would rather find something else to do. I have made a commitment to read more because I am woefully behind in my reading. I haven't felt motivated to much of anything anymore-I think I have mentioned it before. Dr. S. said I should excercise more and it will help. I had been going to the gym more but I couldn't last week because of the whiplash. Dr. W. said I could go back to any activities I wanted to.

I think tonight I might watch Stargate SG-1 Season 9. I just found out this will be their last season on, so I need to catch up by April to watch all of them. Yes, I am a SciFi geek. DS has started working with the Robotics Club. He is very interested and it is an opportunity to work with live human beings rather than disembodied voices on computer games. He is also working with real engineers and seeing what they do. I am pretty happy tonight-much more so than last night. One day at a time.