Gorgeous Day

It's beautiful for a mid-August day. About 80 degrees, sunny and low humidity. I'm not feeling too bad, though I am considering cutting more. Since I can say this so casually it would seem that I could have better self-control, but I don't. It's consuming my thoughts again. S. called this morning. She didn't get the message that I had called. In any case she said she would see me this week, but she is gone again next week, which doesn't help if I need to talk to her. I'll figure something out.

Not againnnn!

Here I thought that I had gotten past the worst and here I am cutting again. It's been almost three years exactly. Between the jot sleeping and everything else I couldn't hold back anymore. It isn't too bad-no bandages needed. Dr. H was on vacation last two weeks and I called S on Friday and she has not returned my call. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the Dr., I am going to try really hard to behave myself until then. At least I don't have a plan. I'm spending too much money and trying to hide it. So far it has worked but I have to stop. I bought make-up that I don't need but suddenly feel the urge to use. It seems that the blanket that Geodon put over my emotions was what I needed. I just feel like crying-no wait, I am crying. It' s 1:35 AM and I am going to take a Benadryl and see if I can fall asleep.

It has been a long time since I posted, nearly a year, but the past almost three years have been stable. Once I started with a new psychiatrist, who started me on new meds, the most important being lithium and Geodon, things have kind of smoothed out. I even survived being forced to resign from my job of 17 years and being unemployed for a year. (They want young things in the burger flipping jobs and young things in the professional jobs because they don't have to pay as much!)
Then at my last Dr.'s visit this month he discovered I had tardive dyskinesthia (sp?) so we have had to switch to Fanapt. Now I can't sleep at night and I am finding thoughts of suicide injecting themselves into my waking hours. And to top it all off, Robin Williams committed suicide. I can't believe that he won't be around anymore, but I also know that his struggle is over.

I feel a bit panicked because I thought my own struggles were over, but that was just being naive on my part. My anger and frustration are building again and I am fighting the urge to cut again. It is Summer and no sleeves means their is no way to hide the cutting unless I cut my legs. What the hell! No one looks at them anymore anyway.

There have been some good things about changing meds, I am listening to music again, my emotions don't seem so flat anymore.

Hmm, I seem almost sleepy so I am going to hit the sack and capitalize on that.