New week, new feeling

I was pretty down last week, but I feel better this week. Course not having to work half of last week probably helped. More and more snow, with more coming this week. Tomorrow I show my agility by getting on the roof to get rid of snow. BH is not good with heights. Hopefully no ambulance rides. I don't know why I never thought of this before but when I daydream about negative interactions I feel worse. Caught myself a couple of times this week and turned it around. Still some fleeting thoughts of cutting (when I thought about people seeing my scars) and once or twice about killing myself but nothing really bad.

I have been wearing make-up for a couple of weeks and still need some practice but it is going ok. Now I haven't decided about the highlights but I am thinking about it strongly. I don't know what BH and DS will think, but we'll see. I realize this is all kind of vain, but I do feel a bit better, I just need to redifine this whole thing.

I am worried about the cats. The Deaf One has pruned his back to almost nothing and I think Foxy has lost weight. I will be taking them to the vet on Tuesday. I'm trying two at once again and hope there are no peeing incidents. I have been watching movies with BH every night. Tonight was Gidget, I tried not to tease too much, but it was really hard to resist. He has been surprised by how many of his movies I have already seen. I didn't have a lot of other things to do when I was growing up. With no cousins my age I was kind of alone. And while I have my family, I am still alone. Shopping today was on my own because he would have been no fun, so I sent him to the three B's, Best Buy, Borders and Barnes and Noble. He found some DVDs.

I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow and my therapist. I did call her about the whole second opinion thing. If she continues to bad mouth him, I will have to leave her. I REALLY don't want to, but I can't be put in the middle anymore and since she is the one with the problem, it will be her that I move away from. I have already hashed through this, so I'm going to leave it alone.

I am feeling like I may be able to start copying my journals from the hospital onto here. I am sure I will be embarrassed by how petty I was, I can do better as I go on.

What to do?

I felt really great last week. Things were going well and I really thought I would stay that way. But life doesn't work that way. Starting on Friday I felt like cutting myself or drowning or stabbing myself. I spent some time in church which only got me more confused. I have been asking God for help for many years and I wonder if he is helping me more than I think and I just don't know enough to take it.

I met with my therapist yesterday and she urged me to get a second opinion about my meds because she doesn't like the ones I am taking. This is the third or fourth time since January that she has tried to get me to change doctors. It is very stressful. I have no intention of changing doctors. I trust and like him and I have heard from other professionals that he is good (GP, pharmacist, therapists.) Somewhere along the line she took offense at something and seems to have lost respect. It is looking more likely that I will have to change therapists because I can't continue with things the way they are. It makes me doubt that I am thinking with a clear mind about his care for me.

I should realize by now that life isn't perfect and that I sometimes I need to do things that I don't want to. Thinking and writing about these things are hard, but I can't avoid them forever. Working through them will help me understand that I can survive unpleasant things. Kind of funny considering that I was thinking of poking a knife into my chest (not a very pleasant thing to think about either.)

I have been spending a lot of time with my DH. He likes to watch old movies and most of the time I don't mind sitting using the computer. He likes the company and so do I. I think I may skip that tonight. I have been doing more housework and cooking, though tonight's chili was ruined by mistaking 2 chili chipotle peppers for two CANS. As soon as it cools it will hit the trash. I will try it again on Friday.

My therapist wants me to write down what leads me to the dark thoughts. Sometimes I can't really figure it out, but I suppose there is something.

Absolute obsession

I find myself completely obsessed with my psychd. He is all I can think about and cannot control my search for information about him. In spite of my discovery that people can find out who was searching for them, I still needed to look up his family again. I really have to stop.

In other news, I have purchased a whole bunch of make-up. It is all-natural with no chemicals and actually doesn't look too bad. I need to practice putting it on, but I feel a little better about myself by using it. I have not worn it for years and spurned it, but find my interest renewed. I realize I am not getting younger and in spite of my  younger looks, I still feel the need to help things along with facial care products.

I have been enjoying the DBT program. I have even done the homework. I feel like it could help me if I keep the tools in mind. I am also ready to go back to work. I need to find something to keep me busy instead of shopping. BH has us on a good track financially and if we keep it up we could have money to use for some repair work that NEEDS to be done. I actually got up today and did some work around the house. It is the first time in a while I have been able to do this. I hope this trend continues.

Happy New Year!