Slip sliding away

Well things have really changed from Sunday. I have already cut my self several times and it looks like I will be headed for the hospital again. I was supposed to go to a Christian education program on Saturday, but there is a lovely peaceful lake which is way to tempting to pass the way I feel right now. I spent most of the morning trying not to vomit, now the two Ativan I took have me feeling better, but I know when I see S. tonight it will get worse again. I should be kept busy with two other meetings before then. It is somewhat comforting to think I will be somewhere safe, it's just the other part of being in the hospital (the other patients, etc.) I just don't understand how I got here so quickly. Well back to work.

Feeling freaky (no not that way)

I feel like cutting tonight and I don't know why. Every so often that happens. We spent 6 hours in a workshop about bullies and the emotional effects they have on their victims. Maybe that was it. The speaker read two essays about a kid who committed suicide, then one of the teachers was talking to me about one of our students who committed suicide last year. Then there was the news about the grandmother who committed suicide after killing her two-year-old grandson. Not a good day in those ways. Then I couldn't even find a pocketbook to buy to satisfy my buying binge! Well, that will have to leave that for another day. At least I didn't just buy one to have bought one like I usually do. I am going to try really hard to curb the spending so we can go on our trip out west next summer.
Sometimes I feel so limited in how and when I say things so no one can figure out who I am. I have this set up so that my gmail is untraceable. It is a shame that has to be that way. Sometimes I really wish that i had someone besides my therapist to talk to about all of this, but writing this will have to do.
Now that I have pissed and moaned for today, I will log off to come back another day when I am in a better mood.

At Peace

It has been a very long time since I posted. I feel really at peace with myself. When I think of the goal I had of waiting until I was 53 to commit suicide, I'm not sure that is right and perhaps I should push it back a few more years. This is really a big step for me, because it is relinquishing control for me to think more along the lines that the choice should belong to God. It's still scary to think about, but there are people here who need me for a few more years. I only pray that this lasts for awhile because it does feel good.