ER

Well by the time Dr. M called I had taken a total of 8mg of ativan. He made P take me to the ER. They said the cuts weren't too bad and they checked all my vitals. I said I would be ok if I went home. They wrapped my arm up. It felt all tight and warm and safe. Now they are just out there and calling to me. I kind of slept all day, but may take more ativan for bed time. Tomorrow we are going to try to finish the bedroom. The ball in my stomache is still there but it is smaller. I can't type for anyhting

Still no help

I have still not heard from dr.s s or m. Guess I have bluffed once to often though they don't feel like bluffs to me. I cut more if my front arm hit some good spots. I feel a little of the pressure is gone. I hoped I would get them cleaned up but there were no opportunities. More later-there is more pressure that I still need to deal with.

orb

There is a giant orb in my core that takes up all the space and threatens to grow and destroy me from the inside out. If I could take enough pills it would shrink and disappear. If I could cut or hurt myself strongly enough it would flake into pieces and disappear. Unless I do something it willsit there and kill me from the inside out. And worse than that it leads to real thoughts of suicide. Drowning, overdose, strangulation are what fills my mind and threatens to take over every other thought. I have called Dr. S. But he hasn't called back yet. PLEASE HELP ME

Still hurting

I am still hurting. We went to hear some Celtic music when we got home I couldn't get alone quickly enough. Relief was not long enough. I have been thinking of so many things that have me feeling very dark, deadly thoughts I need to call Dr. S. Once again, please help

Tranquility

They all look so calm. Things kids say roll off of them while they ricochet inside my brain bumping into other similar thoughts until they get my brain all twisted and uptight. Other times I just want help getting rid of them all. That's when the thoughts make me think of taking many extra meds. I want to sleep for a long time and only wake up to the peace. Some of these thoughts are the struggle over cutting, taking meds, or other ways to soothe my bumper car brain. Are there people who never feel this way? If so I envy them. How do they do that? My breathing is wrong, I can't keep my legs still and I feel like I need to cut (or bite or break something) to release the pain. It doesn't work for long but it is better than nothing.
Want to call somebody but I don't know who to call. PLEASE HELP!

Sick

I have been sick for the past couple of days with a cold. Now I just sound terrible but feel better physically. I have been looking for help all day, but finally gave in and cut. I am sure I will again. I tried several different things to keep from doing it. I tried distracting, praying, mindfulness, thinking about what it would do to my family. Nothing worked and by the time I got home I was considerig other more lethal things. I actually put a sock around my neck. I also counted all my Ativan, which I had 30 of this time rather than 19. When I was trying to get the razor apart to use it, I found a hack saw that was pretty sharp and then a carpet knife. I was able to resist the temptation of both of those, but now I am alone again. Several times I looked up several things on suicide and cutting, but found no relief-I just kept wanting to type HELP and have someone or something show up to take it all away.

I have tried all day to discover where this all came from. I got my hair highlighted yesterday. I love it, but I don't know about anyone else since there was little other commentary. Once before someone said I was a beautiful woman. I can see this a bit, I don't think I am a dog and I think I have great eyes and nice smile. But someone else said I was a beautiful woman yesterday. This makes me all confused because I am not sure how they mean that. It also makes me feel uptight because I feel like I am somehow letting them down.

I watch the images and news that floods about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and feel helpless to help them. I want to be able to go there and dig with my hands if need be I want to help find survivors, just something to make their lives easier at this horrific time. But at the same time I doubt I would be able to help them in my current state. I don't know if I will ever be able to provide this kind of help. I have been feeling kind of let down with my life. I wanted to be doing much more than I am and lately I have wanted to help other people get better, but since that eludes me, I don't think that will happen.

Suiger is seems to have expanded his life a bit longer. The steroids are holding off the effects of the lesions on his brain for now. I am enjoying time with him and indulging him  a bit. I let him outside tonight, we toured the house a couple of times and then I brought him in. He seemed really nervous by the time I brought him in. His tail was all bushed and he was hissing. A little overwhelming for him.