I am terrible as a journal writer. I go one or two or ten days before writing. Things are going better with DS The Concerta has changed his demeanor, just as I knew it would. The only thing is he is kind of antsy at night. Last night he could not get to sleep until almost three in the morning, though he did have some chocolate cake. I am pleased to see the differences in him and that he is getting off so much medication. School starts a week from tomorrow-yippee! I have decided to have a new attitutude and try to just stick to my place more. Keep my mouth shut and out of the way. Since I have effected little change to the teaching staff in ten years it is unlikely that I ever will. I am tired so that's it for tonight.

After a terrible night last night, couldn't get to sleep, couldn't write, type or knit, today has been great. I have done all three of the above plus printed out and organized the new J2A manual. We worked more on the AC and trying to keep it quiet. We have succeeded for the moment but it will probably get louder. Oh well! Goodnight!!

Today began early (5), got up, ate, did a bit of work, then went back to bed. Bad dream two days ago with substance coming out of my mouth which tasted bad and I couldn't get rid of all of it. This morning (and I write this concerned about possible comments) I had a penis in my mouth and couldn't get it out. Even now, twelve hours later, it makes me cry. It was terrible. It has made my whole day go bad. I couldn't sit still, I can't write my thesis and to add to it, I have found two large spiders in the house. One of them is gone, the other I called my parents for. I feel so stupid about it, I should be able to handle a spider at my age, but I can't. Anyway, took some Ativan so I could get through the rest of the night. Being alone and considering my day, I am battling the blade.

One of the most consistent things that have been a part of my illness, is my inability to believe that it makes no difference to anyone if I am here or not. I know I should believe that, but I don't. I want to believe it but don't. I think maybe somewhere deep down, I believe it, but am afraid to feel it because it would be so overwhelming. Something for my next session with S.

As has become a yearly ritual, the boys went off to camp and I tore something apart, this time the hall. I have ripped down all the paneling and taken off half the wallpaper that was underneath it. Tomorrow I will finish the wallpaper and hopefully on Friday will be able to start painting. I doubt it will be finished for Saturday, but it's too late to turn back now.

I have begun making bookmarks to sell. I may try some bracelets next week or necklaces, but I need more time to experiment. Maybe I will sell something this week.

S. was hilarious this morning. I had put on Sesame Street (I like to keep up with these shows) and he started watching. At one time he was laying with his back to the TV and watching upside down. He then proceeded to attack Elmo. He's such a goofy cat!

Another coincedence:

One of BH's co-workers has a daughter with summer reading. One of the titles is Snow Angels by Orhan Pamuk, someone I have never heard of. On Saturday, we found the book and bought it for them. Tonight I finished reading Azar Nafisi's Reading Lolita in Tehran. At the very end she is discussing new authors she has found including Pamuk. Now of course I have to find a copy and read it myself.