Three things today.

First, I have been invited to be a part of the pastoral care team at church. I am very honored.

Second, I no longer take nortriptyline! Still a little scary, but I will take things day by day.

Third, just went into the living room to show BH something and Singin in the Rain was on TV for the first time in about a year. Interestingly, I received the backordered copy of Singing in the Rain.

DS will be thirteen next week and is a wonderful, empathic young man. Couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, this has been an interesting week so far. We've had snow and yuck with 60 mph winds. Yesterday, I found out that the S kitty is partially albino (on the right side)-cost me $45.00. I went to see Dr. S and I am discontinuing the nortriptyline starting tonight. I'm a bit scared because I don't want to become more depressed. I have done well over the last month on the lower amount and I feel better than I have in 6 or 7 years, so I will think positively.

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted. Things have been going well. I love working out and look forward to going every chance I get. Dr. S also cut the dosage of my nortriptyline in half to 25mg. I haven't noticed much difference, but I seem to sleep better. I am working on the whole eating thing-those sweets are my downfall, especially at night. We've had vacation this week and for the past four days I have had 3 boys instead of 1. They sure eat alot. DS seems to be getting interested in his appearance. Before I went to workout and he went to play basketball, he fixed his hair, carefully picked out clothes and coordinated everything. Only two weeks until he is a teen.

Wednesday night we had the youth group here for a movie and pizza (The Fellowship of the Ring.) Another one of those coincedences occured. We were talking about pets and at one point mentioned ferrets and how they were cool but smelled. Somewhere soon after, a ferret appeared on TV. Funny since I haven't seen one of these in months.

On Friday afternoon, after lunch, I was sitting at my desk and suddenly felt lightheaded. My head between my knees helped. Last night I had another one of those brain buzzes, then light tunnelling, and then lightheadedness with confusion. I am still supposed to see the eye doctor (can't spell the other), but I don't believe these are related to my eyesight. I also often have an aching neck and slight headache.

Well, everyone is doing much better. BH is home and back to work like nothing happened. DS is doing better in school. The weather has been ok, warmer than usual, but not warm enough to melt all the snow and more is supposed to come our way tomorrow night. This has been a better winter for gardens than last winter.

Yesterday, C. was checking a list of movies I was ordering for any with an R rating that slipped by when I created the order. She stopped to comment on The Dead Poet's Society and the rating that it had. I was commenting that I knew the teacher the movie was based on, Sam Pickering. As I was doing this I was looking through catalogs I picked up at ALA Midwinter and there, amazingly, was a new book written by Sam Pickering.

Ok here's one:

The server went down so I started reading a book and in the book there is a prominent bridge in the book called Lionsgate.
Now back to ordering movies and one company is Lionsgate.

It has been a long time since I have written. Lots of very good stuff has happened, though the past week has been busy with Peter ill. However, for the first time since I became ill, I really feel that my intellect and brain are back to what they were. Silly me, though, forgot for a couple of days that I would not be that way without the meds and I stopped taking them. I realized that I am who I am with them and without them and the grace of God would not be as well as I am. In any case, I have recently been noticing so many coincential things that I have decided to start recording them and see how they add up. It may be silly, but there have been so many that it has become a bit weird. Tonight is as good a night as any to begin recording.

I came home from the hospital BH, gallstones, internal bleeding, colonoscopy, you get the picture) and went to the National Geographic website to look for pictures for wallpaper. I just discovered their colletion last week, but hadn't mentioned them to anyone but Cathy. When Reverend N. called I was still at the computer and she told me about a book that sounded interesting and that it was published by National Geographic.

Last night's dream involved my mouth filling with some kind of straw, stony stuff that I would clean out and then it would come back. The thing is, I feel quite nauseous right now and may vomit from the memory. It is so disgusting.

Over the past couple of weeks one of my worst fears was to see J. for the first time. I didn't care if she was thin or gaunt or didn't have hair, but I was afraid that when I hugged her I would cry to see her there and I would get the usual cardboard hug that I usually get, which would break my heart. Dr. S. told me that it might be something she couldn't or wouldn't give and I had to accept that. But she did hug me back! It felt so good that she was there and looking a bit tired but ok. Thank you so much God-I need nothing else for Christmas.

Haven't written recently but I wanted to post this link. Check out the offers available. http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=12842024. The offers given are pretty good-I decided to try the Blockbuster one. Good luck.

Today was a bad/good day. When I got home from a Dr.'s appointment, I talked to my neighbor and the mastectomy has taken care of the tumor and she will most likely not have to have chemo. I was really glad to hear how much more upbeat she sounded today, she even laughed. Also talked to Mom about Christmas.

However, the rest of the day wasn't so great. Apparently I did things in my sleep last night. The sink full of dishes that I was supposed to clean this morning (which I forgot to do) did get done. Since BH didn't do it and DS never would, I must have done it and not remembered. Mystery solved and I feel really guilty cause DS did do it for me last night. Sorry! I did almost nothing at work again today. Since people are using computer labs because books aren't necessary anymore, I have had very little to do over the past couple of weeks. My application to the PhD program was rejected a couple of weeks ago and I have felt so humiliated that I haven't told my sisters. Then to top everything off I have a polyp or tumor in my uterus and will be undergoing a simple D & C, but I also have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Neither is really any problem for me, but both cause infertility. So as I sat in the office waiting to go to the Pre-surgery exam I got to sit across from all those ripe young women with bulging stomaches and full breasts. I sat opposite them with all those of us who are too old or can't have children and felt like a dried up old shell. Since this afternoon pretty much ended any of the what ifs and plans I had for the future, I feel a bit lost and need to find my way again. Where that way will go I have no idea.

Happy Thanksgiving! In these times we really can be thankful for being born in the U. S. Even if we aren't a perfect country, we are privileged to live in a country with the freedoms and opportunities.

I just remembered a dream from sometime this week. I went into someplace dark and in there, maybe on a bed was a woolly bear caterpillar that had been cut into pieces but it was still alive and I had to get rid of it. This is important to me because I have always explored outdoors and animals. When I was little I used to collect woolly bears and and talk to them and let them climb on me and then I would let them go. I wasn't afraid in the dream, I just remember being upset that it had been injured.

Woah-something just buzzed in the top part of my head and now I feel really dizzy. It was in the top right front quadrant and felt like someone had put a buzzer there. Now I also am feeling nauseous, but that could be too much Thanksgiving. My hearing is also clearer, kind of like after those boxed in moments.

Here's a story for you. BH has been sick since last week with his gall bladder. All those years of fatty foods have caught up with him. Thursday, I had to drive him for an ultrasound. Thursday and Friday he was really sick. Friday night and Saturday morning were the worst. And since he couldn't sleep, neither could I. So finally on Saturday night he had started to feel better. We had all had a couple cups of herbal tea and at 8:30 at night, when DS asked if he could have another, I said he had had enough to drink. In retrospect this was a good idea.
I have never slept really soundly and I have always been tuned into DS at night. BH is still amazed that when DS was three, I heard him call my name, grabbed a garbage pail and got to him in time so that ALL the vomit made it into the garbage. Anyway, BH was still a bit restless and I had the caffeine jitters from the large amount of chocolate covered popcorn I had eaten. About 12:30 I heard DS get up, turn on a light and I assumed he was using the bathroom. However, in a couple of seconds I realized it didn't quite sound right. When I got to his door he had mostly finished. He had turned on his closet light and had just finished urinating on the floor. He went right back to bed and didn't wake up or remember anything about the forty-five minutes it took me took wipe all the urine up, clean and polish the hardwood floors so that the cats didn't think it was a new and improved litter box. Oh well, it comes with the territory, and gives me ammunition for when he gets married and I can pass it along to his spouse.

Last night we all actually slept relatively well. No nightmares, no cold sweats, no screaming. I feel better and so does BH since he has started his new diet.

At least there is almost always one good thing among many bad. On Wednesday, I stopped to visit my Aunt. She was more aware than I have seen her. While I was there she said Annika a couple of times, though I don't know who she is referring to. But at one point she looked around the room, looked at me and asked "how did I get here?" After my initial shock, I explained about her house. Then she said her mouth hurt and showed me where it hurt. She repeated this several times. I have not heard anything lucid she has said for two years. It was kind of exciting, but also sad because it reminded me of how she was before the alzheimer's.

Now lets see. DS is failing literature, he has refused to take an exam for the class and has brought his notes home when he shouldn't have. He has also missed wrestling for two weeks. Yesterday, I got the results from the ultrasound. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and a tumor on my uterus. In December I will have a D&C. By the time I got home I was exhausted and really upset. While the diagnosis wasn't nearly what it could have been, both conditions increase infertility and though I'm now 40, I haven't given up on pregnancy altogether.

And to round out my night BH did the bills and informed me that several were overdue (even though we had the money to pay.) DS continued his noncooperation until I finally blew my stack and began to strip him myself. NOt an easy task since he is now my height. By hte time I got to start taking his pants off he was cooperating. And BH would not leave me alone in spite of my requests that I didn't feel well.

Part of "illness" is due to terrifying nightmares. Two nights ago I woke up screaming though I cannot recall the nightmare. Last night I had two sets of nightmares. The first was about these people or things/monsters were trying to catch me. I finally locked myself into my grandmother's house, but they were almost able to get in. I woke up screaming again. Then, a woman did something to wreak havoc everywhere. Lots of people were killed, there was blood everywhere, I was with the survivors and when we caught up with her, she was going to be let go even though she had done really murderous things. That was when I woke up in another cold sweat.

Maybe things will get better over the weekend.