I think I finally realized why I don't like it when BH goes away. I'm afraid he woon't come back. Everything that is him, his toiletries, some of his clothes, he takes with him. That's why I get so anxious. But he will come back because he loves me and I love him and I do my best to be a good wife. But this time I know he will come back.

Summer is definitely here and has been for a while. In addition to extra rain this spring and early summer, the sultry days have made part of our backyard into a jungle. I have to wait to mow it until next week when I get my scythe back from my Dad. Thoughts of cutting have been hanging around the past week or two. Dr. S. said that it has to do with my low self-esteem. While I am sure that is part of it, it also has to do with just getting over with it and then not having to fight it anymore. I am seeing more how how chronically ill people have to take things day by day.

I went to a retirement party tonight for a fellow teacher. It's really great for her to be retiring after 40 years of teaching, but we will miss her. She was a great teacher and is a good person.

I didn't really feel like taking my meds last night. Even the thought of counting them out made me feel tired. I don't know why, it just did. I did take everything though they were difficult to swallow. It had been a busy day and there were too many things going on so maybe that was it. Lately I have been very anxious about driving anywhere. I'm concerned we'll get into an accident. This is especially true when we leave DS at home. I worry what would happen to him if something happened to us. I guess that's a good thing since before I thought it wouldn't matter to him if something happened to me. Anyway, I'm feeling better today and now if I can just get through the next week of school.

Temperature's rising

It's 84 degrees in the office today. We thought the cooler weather outside might help, but it hasn't. Sometimes I do things that are so stupid. A student came in to hook a keywording machine to a computer, but I couldn't find a place to put it on the computer. When I went to ask J. he carefully unplugged the wrong end and plugged in the right end. Oh well, that's the way it goes sometimes. We had a weird and wicked lightning bolt last night. It hit something one road over. It came out of nowhere, no thunder, no rain, just this bolt so strong, it made the house shake. It hit something one road over and produced smoke, but no problems at our house, besides the ringing ears and hastened heartbeat. We are supposed to have more storms today, which I'm hoping hold off until the guys finish up at Six Flags.

Summer is here!?

With the advent of warm weather, the heat is gradually rising in the library and the office. It is up to 84 degrees today in the office and not much cooler outside. The temperature is expected to be lower tomorrow so we may catch a break. Everybody who comes in complains which doesn't help. Right now I just want teh day to end. I had very strong urges to cut last night, but I didn't. I seem to be uptight about something, but I am not sure what. Even my asthma is acting up. Working out this afternoon may help, though I dread the heat. Well, back to work.

Boredom

Things have been a bit boring lately at work. While we wait to get packing, we have time periods when there is little to do. I am using it to do some reading of books I should be familiar with just in case. Things have been going quietly at home. I still have dark insights to events that I wish would go away, I guess I still need to work on that. Rather than thinking about the bad things that could happen, I need to forget about them and concentrate on good things. Next weekend is just for us. We will go visit Pop and that is the only thing we will definitely be doing. Oh, we also have to get a new mailbox in because the only is currently being held together with duct tape, which of course matches the front door and the bathtub. Quite lovely, especially with the pink tile in the tub! One day it will all be gone, I can't wait!

While things can be boring, it can also be scary exciting. There is some kind of feud going on between some students and there was a confrontation today, which may continue on into other passing periods. There were no other adults out there which can be unnerving. It is amazing what people can argue about, and unfortunately it doesn't all get worked out in a nice way. Hopefully this is not one of those situations. I find it scary because DS will be at the high school next year with kids like this. I don't know how the vice principals and principal deal with all this conflict. I think I prefer the boring times.

S. has decided he is part of the decorations and spends part of each day sitting and watching the world go by. At least there is nothing breakable.

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Sharing

BH was watching a neighbor mow her lawn and commented that he could never stay in a house [after his spouse died.] Her husband died last fall and he said he just could never stay. Since he so rarely comments on anything like this, I considered his comment very seriously. It made me think of just how selfish depression is, where you think you are thinking of what is best for others, but it really is about the individual.

Springtime!

It has been beautiful all weekend and this shows just a bit of how it feels out there.

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Lenten Epiphany

On Saturday evening I realized that I had had no trouble with thoughts of cutting throughout the Lenten season. This has been one of my most difficult times in the past and it never even crossed my mind this year until I realized that the season was over. Things have been going well, though I cut it a little close with our budget this pay. We'll get through somehow like we always do. We needed to get DS a new retainer and instead of the $95.00 we were told it would cost, the price went up to $175.00! That was a bit of a shock! The weather has been great for this vacation so far and it is supposed to continue. Work outside is calling me.

Magnet School

I found out on Sunday that BS has been admitted to a magnet school for the arts. He will be focusing on creative writing. I was really amazed to read some of his latest works, including his application and the assignment he created the day he shadowed. He can write well! I guess I find this surprising because of all the diffulty we have had getting him to do writing assignments.
Things have gone well over the past couple of weeks. I did get a little nervous about the money situation, since we will now need to pay tuition, but I believe I have figured it out. I had one nightmare last week, probably because I was nervous about DS's audition. It was pretty terrible with a creature trying to kill me. P. was very good and left the light on so I could go back to sleep.
My ob/gyn now has me on birth control pills to get my period back to normal. Because of my other meds it is all messed up with having two periods and some with nothing. It's kind of ironic since we can no longer have children. Time to get back to work.

Arachnophobia

I am really terrified of spiders, so who is the one to find the spiders? Me. I went to work outside, put on a pair of gloves, then picked up some yard stuff. I felt something in my glove between my fingers and when I shook it out there was a spider that was about an inch long with a big body and big legs. I can still feel it between my fingers and am just thankful it didn't bite me. Other than that it was a good day, much better than last year when I was in the hospital. Just that darn spider I keep feeling between my fingers, Yuck!

Springtime