Thanks to my family

I sent my family a thank you for helping through everything. It was done with a picture of myself and narrated by me, but I will not post this here. Here is the text of my message:

It has been a long seven years for me. I have changed in many ways, emotionally, physically and mentally. Dr. S. told me last week, that I was at the best point I have been at since he met me. I am at the best point I have probably ever been. Many of the symptoms I have dealt with- the low self-esteem, the nightmares, the hyperactivity, and the inability to control my feelings-are better. I have worked hard to get here and am proud of where I am.

But I must also credit all of you with my wellness. You have been there for me through everything and I finally understand how what I have done may have hurt you. It is not easy for others to understand what it is like to feel so worthless that you think others might be better off without you there. Yet despite this you all hung in with me and I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support. That’s truly what family means.

Thanks again.

All alone

Well, DS and BH are away for a week and I am all alone. I am not feeling particularly lonely. The weather today was beautiful and I spent most of the day playing on the computer while the breezes swept through. Wow, meds hit early tonight, I better hit the bed while I still can. More for later. I also went to dinner at my mother's house. Yesterday was a disaster there with the toilet. Their toilet plugged up and it had to be taken outside to clean it all out. It was really a mess and it was a good thing we were available to help. BH called and they were in West Virginia but still had a couple of hours to go before reaching their destination. I am assuming they made it all right. I am slowing picking up around the house starting with my office. So far I discovered our couch and a chair which were barely visible beneath the stuff. Kitchen is for tonight. We really need the rain, I am so tired of carrying water to all the little plants we have. Guess I'll have to resort to battling the hose again. I know I repeat myself, but sometimes I get tired of the darkness that is always with me. I was thinking about the time I had a nightmare about a bloody snowman. What was really bizarre was a couple of days later I passed a snowman that someone had used dye or something like that to make it look bloody. And for some reason that made think of some mutated person coming to my door with my cat all torn up. Such a joy to have these thoughts. I was thinking that one reason I don't go to horror movies is because I have my own personal ones in my head! Now on that note I need to go back to work.

Job Interview

I have a job interview tomorrow. I am a little nervous but not entirely, at least not yet. I don't usually get too nervous. (For some reason I feel like nervous has to have an e at the end of it.) Another cloudy day with no rain. If it did then I wouldn't have to water everybody tonight, but that is one of the joys of gardening. I have found myself nostalgic for the hospital several times today. As I reread my blog to make sure I had changed the initials, it reminded me of how little responsibility one has there. Pretty much just eating, sleeping and going to group. Maybe I am more nervous about tomorrow than I think I am. I will be reading a document that a district coordinator wrote about the perfect interview questions to be asked. It gives me a little heads up for tomorrow. BH has been giving me some tips too. I have some of my own questions to ask them that I need to write up tonight.
We think we have a bird nesting in my Noah's Ark bird nest (which is really supposed to be used as a nesting site. I have to climb a chair tonight to check it. In one way it would be really great, but cleaning it out afterword would be disgusting. I'm glad for having our new neighbors across the street, and it certainly is cleaner with our neighbers behind us gone, but it is a little eery with no one behind us. We also have a new dog in the neighborhood, it's a Bassett Hound who is left outside to bark for hours at a time. Just a bit annoying. Maybe someone else will complain so I don't have to.

I went back and read over my old posts to switch to BH (Beloved Husband) and DS (Dear Son). I guess people could still identlify me, but it is less likely now. Part of me is really angry that I have to be concerned about anyone finding out, but I also know the reality of things. I recently had a teacher tell me that people with mental illnesses shouldn't be allowed to teach.

I got all my annuals planted, but it is thundering out and I don't want to get zapped. I will go over and and help my mother put in a couple of my plants that she can't get planted because of her knees. I am hoping that the sky will be clear by then. I just spotted some bittersweet I need to cut. Be back later.

I just started a new blog about stuff for work, much less personal than this blog. I have been thinking about why I don't workout or watch what I eat. I guess it is because I don't care enough about myself to do that. This is definitely something I need to work on. Weather has been great for plants, we just had a couple of days of rain to get things growing again. Saturday, we plan on going to buy our annuals. Seems like it will be a lot of fun.

19 Years and Still Going

It's been 19 years since BH and I were married. I think I'll sign up for 19 more. We got a lot of work done today even though we were both tired from weekend events (Boy Scouts and the Book Expo America.) It was great to get in and see all the new books coming out and grab some catalogs. Now there is a nice cool breeze coming in with just a bit of rain. There is supposed to be a lot tonight. We can use it. My S. baby is keeping me company-he agrees about the breezes and the rain and has the addition of good sniffs. Unfortunately that will all end in a minute when I head off to bed. Good night.

I don't even know why I am working here. The budget got voted down again and the money is going to be taken out of the education budget again-so I will be alone next year. On top of that I am not needed by most classes anymore to help them, they help themselves-they don't even ask if their class is in here. It is all so discouraging!

It seems like I am having to confront more and more students regarding their behavior that breaks school rules. Since I dislike confrontation so much, I have found the last week and half very unpleasent. I sent out a resume which has me a little excited but I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I finally planted my rose bushes and am keeping a close watch on them to see if they leaf out or not. The weather has been extremely pleasant but no rain, which means I have to water them every other day. It gives me something to do every day.
Everyday, I read about 10 blogs on children's literature. I know there must be hundreds of others out there, but I like these and the links they send me to. DS watched Memoirs of a Geisha with me last night. He seemed to enjoy it. It was a good movie, though I wonder if the book was better than the movie. Maybe someday I will read it when I finish with the pile I have at home. Right now I am reading Uglies by Scott Westerfeld and Twisted by Laurie Halse Anderson.

Spring really seems to be here. In spite of cool nights, it is in the 60's during the day and mostly sunny. The rain has been on and off-great for the plants. It makes me feel so much better. Poison Ivy has been a hassle. I didn't know I could get it, but now I do. It has covered my forearm-covering scars-and now has moved to my hand. It really itches! There is plenty of light to work in the garden-I just don't have too much to do in the garden yet. I can't do anything with roses yet cause it still might frost. I purchased three new bushes to fill in gaps in the bed. They won't come until next week. I can't wait. I have to check out my computer because someone may have been working on last night without my knowledge (something they have a right to do, but shouldn't rearrange my stuff.)

Springtime!

We had a glorious week of spring weather and now some good soaking rain. It should make all the spring stuff bloom. DS has had me running the gauntlet again. He is deciding his schooling for next year and has made some decisions that disappoint me, but they have to be his decisions. The only thing we require is that he has to take 3 years of a world language so that he has that college requirement out of the way. He went on his first trip alone and did fantastic. He didn't forget anything, he got where he was supposed to be, etc. I should feel proud that he got it all right, cause that means we prepared him well.
Things have been going well for me too. A couple of urges to self-injure, but passed through them quickly. Right now I have poison ivy covering my scars and they itch like crazy-first time I've ever had it. Gotta go!

Still Winter

I haven't written in almost a month and winter is still here. It is about forty degrees during the day and about twenty five at night. And it's supposed to snow on Thursday, just when DS leaves for Virginia. Well, I survived another Easter without cutting. It is so hard to do that because I feel like I should make some sort of sacrifice too. In any case we had dinner with Mom and Dad and S3 and her family which was nice. I have purchased a few new clothes to wear-some sweaters and skirts that will go into spring and to the end of the year. I need a couple more but I have to wait until after taxes.
At least it is sunny out. I just finished reading Life As We Knew It by Susan Beth Pfeffer. It is a great book about an asteroid hitting the moon and moving it closer to earth and the apocalyptic evens that occur as a result. The book kept me looking up at the moon to make sure it was still where it belongs. Now I'm finishing Harry Potter before the last one comes out. I have also begun reading Uglies by Scott Westerfeld which is supposed to be very good.

Winter's blast

It is so cold out today. Even our kitchen floor is cold to walk on. Tomorrow should be better, up to around 20. But then our regular March weather is back over the weekend. We finally picked up our new car on Saturday. It feels good to be driving our car again. The money is all mixed up and I hope to get it straigtened out by the end of next week. Money is always an issue, even when there is enough . I have straightened out some other issues, even though they were difficult, they were necessary changes and should help me stay well.

I did some "painting" the other night. Felt kind of nice, but also very intense. I don't really paint things, just the paper with whatever colors I feel like using. They are usually bold colors. I wonder if other people just paint. Anyway, they are now downstairs with the others, with me kind of hoping nobody ever sees them, since they are so bad. Then again, who knows, I might be the next Van Gogh!

Before and After

I have been thinking about all the things I used to be before I was diagnosed. It's hard to say sick, since I have been that way since I was a young child. The medication changed me in many ways. I was more creative, more driven, smarter and in general a more "A" type personality. On the other hand I was more opinionated, more narrowminded and more difficult in general. So the whole thing has been a give and take. I could never sit still before and never understood how people could sit in a doctor's office and not read anything. Now it is normal for me. I can actually lay still in bed without having to get up as soon as I am awake. However, I did lose my ability to daydream. I miss that. It is part of how I have lost my ambition.

It has made me a better mother, though not quite as good a wife. I often wonder how much BH misses the thin, excitable woman he married. But now I am more "normal" than before.

DS and I went to visit Mom and Dad today. DS had lots to talk to Granddad about with the Robotics Club. I talked a little then vacuumed the floor. It only took a few minutes and it made Mom feel better. Quite a bit of stuff had been tracked in from the dog. I also got BH and DS to go to Wal-Mart with me. I thought they might have some knitting needles that I needed. No such luck. But I did buy more yarn with which to make a prayer shawl. (I am trying to keep up my writing skills, in case I ever need them again.) BH went to visit his dad today. He helped him with some picture hangers and took him grocery shopping. Pop always enjoys a visit from one of his sons and ropes them into helping with his errands. He is quite lonely and it would be great if he lived closer (I think). One of the sisters is putting all the stuff she has left from when their Mother died and is going to put it out for people to take. It should be an interesting adventure.

It felt kind of weird driving by MRNC without worrying about needing to visit someone there. Aunie C has started giving away things and has apparently decided she would be the next to go. I don't know what makes her think that.

I am listening to War of the Worlds. I think I may have mentioned this before but that was a good movie, but somewhat terrifying for me. Many of my nightmares were filled with giant things (dinosaurs, etc.) chasing me into hiding places with lots of loud footstomps. Sometimes I also find it difficult to watch CSI, etc. because they remind of nightmares of mutilated bodies. I don't need to add to what my imagination already comes up with. The most terrifying dream I have had was when I dreamt that someone was going to steal DS from me. We had gone outside to sleep because it was too hot in the house and BH was gone on reserve duty. I was so scared I went into the house, locked all the doors and windows and barely slept the rest of the night. I am taking Minipress to get rid of them, but it hasn't worked completely. I have had two nightmares this month, which is a lot better than other times, but they were pretty bad nightmares, even if I can't remember them, I remember how they left me feeling.

I have thought a lot about joining NAMI but haven't done that yet. Maybe soon.