I think I can finally write about what happened in March. I had been cutting my Nortryptiline down, then went off of it altogether. A couple of weeks after I had stopped taking it, I went into a nosedive. I called my psych doctor, but he misunderstood the message I left. On Monday afternoon, my doctor asked about how I was feeling and my reply was less than wonderful. I actually tried to sneak out of his office, but they stopped me. By the end of the week I was panicking because I was afraid they would send me to the hospital. I had planned on waiting until Saturday, but my minister called and was having BH take me to the emergency room. I packed a bottle of soda and all of the Nor... I had. They left me with my backpack and I took about 13 of the pills. Just before I went out, some little bit of me realized it was a mistake and told the nurse. I wasn't a good patient, I had to be restrained. In any case I only remember a little of it, but I know I had none of my family because I didn't want them to see what I went through. However N. stayed with me until they were ready to transfer me to Natchaug.
I don't know when the following was written, after my first hospalizaton, but before my second.

I don't want anyone to know because they get upset or piteous-I don't want either
Explaining to BH about cutting-he was angry and upset.
My lip is bleeding
Medication back and forth between Dr. S. and S.
I feel like I disappoinited him and I was weak and cowardly. There is a time every single day when it gets all balled up in my stomach and has to go somewhere. Most days I can get through but sometimes not. I can get through sometimes but not. Talking doesn't help because I don't understand what makes me feel that way. I just can't bleed enough to get the bad part out. It scares me sometimes after I feel bad. The other night I was cutting a grapefruit for BS and put the knife to my chest and pushed. Buth the clothes were too thick and the knife not sharp enough.
Sometimes I just stay there and don't think about anything and just need to rub something-my shirt, my face, a stone. I don't have to think about things then. I can't think of what it is that I ever did so bad that I need to get rid of it, but I know I feel like I have.
There are too many things going in my head. Knitting makes me concentrate on one. Taking extra Klonopin and/or Ativan calms my mind down gradually. It feels good when things arent' all racing around. There are too many conversations in my head. Sometimes I answer them myself sometimes I think someone else answers them. Ghosts-who take care of DS and I-then sent to a friend. What was that. I'm too tired to think anymore but I can't stop-I just want it to be quiet!
I want' to be alone because when people talk to me I have to concentrate on what they are saying and I can't because of what is in my head.
I missed R. this week. I know that Bin Laden is evil and will go to hell but should we pray for his followers who perhaps felt so lost that follow him because he gives them a sense of family. There isn't anyone to answer these questions and I'm too confused. At communion today I was relieved because A. gave communion and she looks in your eyes not your hands so she could'nt see my wrist. I don't want people to think that poor me, she's been mentally ill and can't handle things any more but it is the truth. I could always accomplish more than other people. But now I can't and I know it. I look at my aunt with Alzheimer's. She plays with her shirt or something else Sometimes just like I do but she doesnt realize that it isn't normal anymore. A part of me wants that too. I try to keep it all from DS and BH. DS internalizes his worries and BH gets upset and angry. I'm not sure he fully understands, but I'm afraid he might get tired of it all and leave and he would take DS with him because who would give a child to a parent who slices herself. I guess he really belongs with BH because BH is more stable than a parent who slices herself. But I don't want him with BH's family. They are alcoholic, abusive, and racist. They are too commercialized and petty. They don't take care of their family like they should and they are too narrow-minded. But BH isn't like that and he is very good with DS. Sometimes I say such stupid things. We had friends over today. Their son has cystic fibrosis and just had a liver transplant. We were talking about pregnancy and I said something about my cousin who is diabetic and she should take better care because people with diabetes don't have feet and things just rot off. Then just as they were leaving she said that W. now has diabetes -I guess that because of the transplant. I felt so awful aboth the stupid thing I said I always do that sort of thing. I just want to sleep for a long time and when I wake up it will all be so different I just want it to be gone.