Slip sliding away

Well things have really changed from Sunday. I have already cut my self several times and it looks like I will be headed for the hospital again. I was supposed to go to a Christian education program on Saturday, but there is a lovely peaceful lake which is way to tempting to pass the way I feel right now. I spent most of the morning trying not to vomit, now the two Ativan I took have me feeling better, but I know when I see S. tonight it will get worse again. I should be kept busy with two other meetings before then. It is somewhat comforting to think I will be somewhere safe, it's just the other part of being in the hospital (the other patients, etc.) I just don't understand how I got here so quickly. Well back to work.

Feeling freaky (no not that way)

I feel like cutting tonight and I don't know why. Every so often that happens. We spent 6 hours in a workshop about bullies and the emotional effects they have on their victims. Maybe that was it. The speaker read two essays about a kid who committed suicide, then one of the teachers was talking to me about one of our students who committed suicide last year. Then there was the news about the grandmother who committed suicide after killing her two-year-old grandson. Not a good day in those ways. Then I couldn't even find a pocketbook to buy to satisfy my buying binge! Well, that will have to leave that for another day. At least I didn't just buy one to have bought one like I usually do. I am going to try really hard to curb the spending so we can go on our trip out west next summer.
Sometimes I feel so limited in how and when I say things so no one can figure out who I am. I have this set up so that my gmail is untraceable. It is a shame that has to be that way. Sometimes I really wish that i had someone besides my therapist to talk to about all of this, but writing this will have to do.
Now that I have pissed and moaned for today, I will log off to come back another day when I am in a better mood.

At Peace

It has been a very long time since I posted. I feel really at peace with myself. When I think of the goal I had of waiting until I was 53 to commit suicide, I'm not sure that is right and perhaps I should push it back a few more years. This is really a big step for me, because it is relinquishing control for me to think more along the lines that the choice should belong to God. It's still scary to think about, but there are people here who need me for a few more years. I only pray that this lasts for awhile because it does feel good.

New skills

Well, I have had fun learning all the new cool stuff about Web 2.0. I have also gotten a new laptop which makes doing the Internet great since I can now sit with the guys or guy and watch tv with them. Which can be good or not so great-CSI has become more open about their crime scenes. Anyway, things have been going well lately. No nightmares for about 2 months. I even had two great dreams in the last 3 weeks! I can't remember what they were, but I remember that I did great things in them and did them right! Well, on to other things.

Thanks to my family

I sent my family a thank you for helping through everything. It was done with a picture of myself and narrated by me, but I will not post this here. Here is the text of my message:

It has been a long seven years for me. I have changed in many ways, emotionally, physically and mentally. Dr. S. told me last week, that I was at the best point I have been at since he met me. I am at the best point I have probably ever been. Many of the symptoms I have dealt with- the low self-esteem, the nightmares, the hyperactivity, and the inability to control my feelings-are better. I have worked hard to get here and am proud of where I am.

But I must also credit all of you with my wellness. You have been there for me through everything and I finally understand how what I have done may have hurt you. It is not easy for others to understand what it is like to feel so worthless that you think others might be better off without you there. Yet despite this you all hung in with me and I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support. That’s truly what family means.

Thanks again.

All alone

Well, DS and BH are away for a week and I am all alone. I am not feeling particularly lonely. The weather today was beautiful and I spent most of the day playing on the computer while the breezes swept through. Wow, meds hit early tonight, I better hit the bed while I still can. More for later. I also went to dinner at my mother's house. Yesterday was a disaster there with the toilet. Their toilet plugged up and it had to be taken outside to clean it all out. It was really a mess and it was a good thing we were available to help. BH called and they were in West Virginia but still had a couple of hours to go before reaching their destination. I am assuming they made it all right. I am slowing picking up around the house starting with my office. So far I discovered our couch and a chair which were barely visible beneath the stuff. Kitchen is for tonight. We really need the rain, I am so tired of carrying water to all the little plants we have. Guess I'll have to resort to battling the hose again. I know I repeat myself, but sometimes I get tired of the darkness that is always with me. I was thinking about the time I had a nightmare about a bloody snowman. What was really bizarre was a couple of days later I passed a snowman that someone had used dye or something like that to make it look bloody. And for some reason that made think of some mutated person coming to my door with my cat all torn up. Such a joy to have these thoughts. I was thinking that one reason I don't go to horror movies is because I have my own personal ones in my head! Now on that note I need to go back to work.

Job Interview

I have a job interview tomorrow. I am a little nervous but not entirely, at least not yet. I don't usually get too nervous. (For some reason I feel like nervous has to have an e at the end of it.) Another cloudy day with no rain. If it did then I wouldn't have to water everybody tonight, but that is one of the joys of gardening. I have found myself nostalgic for the hospital several times today. As I reread my blog to make sure I had changed the initials, it reminded me of how little responsibility one has there. Pretty much just eating, sleeping and going to group. Maybe I am more nervous about tomorrow than I think I am. I will be reading a document that a district coordinator wrote about the perfect interview questions to be asked. It gives me a little heads up for tomorrow. BH has been giving me some tips too. I have some of my own questions to ask them that I need to write up tonight.
We think we have a bird nesting in my Noah's Ark bird nest (which is really supposed to be used as a nesting site. I have to climb a chair tonight to check it. In one way it would be really great, but cleaning it out afterword would be disgusting. I'm glad for having our new neighbors across the street, and it certainly is cleaner with our neighbers behind us gone, but it is a little eery with no one behind us. We also have a new dog in the neighborhood, it's a Bassett Hound who is left outside to bark for hours at a time. Just a bit annoying. Maybe someone else will complain so I don't have to.

I went back and read over my old posts to switch to BH (Beloved Husband) and DS (Dear Son). I guess people could still identlify me, but it is less likely now. Part of me is really angry that I have to be concerned about anyone finding out, but I also know the reality of things. I recently had a teacher tell me that people with mental illnesses shouldn't be allowed to teach.

I got all my annuals planted, but it is thundering out and I don't want to get zapped. I will go over and and help my mother put in a couple of my plants that she can't get planted because of her knees. I am hoping that the sky will be clear by then. I just spotted some bittersweet I need to cut. Be back later.

I just started a new blog about stuff for work, much less personal than this blog. I have been thinking about why I don't workout or watch what I eat. I guess it is because I don't care enough about myself to do that. This is definitely something I need to work on. Weather has been great for plants, we just had a couple of days of rain to get things growing again. Saturday, we plan on going to buy our annuals. Seems like it will be a lot of fun.

19 Years and Still Going

It's been 19 years since BH and I were married. I think I'll sign up for 19 more. We got a lot of work done today even though we were both tired from weekend events (Boy Scouts and the Book Expo America.) It was great to get in and see all the new books coming out and grab some catalogs. Now there is a nice cool breeze coming in with just a bit of rain. There is supposed to be a lot tonight. We can use it. My S. baby is keeping me company-he agrees about the breezes and the rain and has the addition of good sniffs. Unfortunately that will all end in a minute when I head off to bed. Good night.

I don't even know why I am working here. The budget got voted down again and the money is going to be taken out of the education budget again-so I will be alone next year. On top of that I am not needed by most classes anymore to help them, they help themselves-they don't even ask if their class is in here. It is all so discouraging!

It seems like I am having to confront more and more students regarding their behavior that breaks school rules. Since I dislike confrontation so much, I have found the last week and half very unpleasent. I sent out a resume which has me a little excited but I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I finally planted my rose bushes and am keeping a close watch on them to see if they leaf out or not. The weather has been extremely pleasant but no rain, which means I have to water them every other day. It gives me something to do every day.
Everyday, I read about 10 blogs on children's literature. I know there must be hundreds of others out there, but I like these and the links they send me to. DS watched Memoirs of a Geisha with me last night. He seemed to enjoy it. It was a good movie, though I wonder if the book was better than the movie. Maybe someday I will read it when I finish with the pile I have at home. Right now I am reading Uglies by Scott Westerfeld and Twisted by Laurie Halse Anderson.

Spring really seems to be here. In spite of cool nights, it is in the 60's during the day and mostly sunny. The rain has been on and off-great for the plants. It makes me feel so much better. Poison Ivy has been a hassle. I didn't know I could get it, but now I do. It has covered my forearm-covering scars-and now has moved to my hand. It really itches! There is plenty of light to work in the garden-I just don't have too much to do in the garden yet. I can't do anything with roses yet cause it still might frost. I purchased three new bushes to fill in gaps in the bed. They won't come until next week. I can't wait. I have to check out my computer because someone may have been working on last night without my knowledge (something they have a right to do, but shouldn't rearrange my stuff.)