Springtime

I discovered yesterday just a bit of what withdrawal feels like: headache, dizzy, high blood pressure, chills, etc. I wasn't able to get my prescriptions over the weekend, so by yesterday afternoon I was not feeling well. All better now. I have little do to at work since there is a workshop going on here. Maybe, I will begin to research for a new article. The last one apparently was not printed, though no one let me know. Oh well.

Non-stop

Whew! Between appointments, work, and getting things ready for meetings, I feel like I haven't stopped since Sunday. I had a good appointment with Dr. S. yesterday. He was delighted that I was doing as well as I am. It's been a long six years but I do thing I am doing better than I have since I was a teenager, when I was somehow coping with it all, sometimes not too successfully.
DS wants to attend a magnet school, which costs $3000. But we all think it would be good for him, so if he gets in, we'll figure out how to pay for it. He has a performance tonight which he is pretty excited about. We are missing the CD launch of a friend's but we can't be in two places at once and DS is more important for us to be at. Though we are disappointed to miss the other party.
More later, I need to find a way to imbed a link and I don't have the time or the patience to do it. I figured out the problem-Safari does not have all the functions available, so I need to do this from work. Just a quick note.

I have been reading the blog of Neil Gaiman, an author. I like his style, it is short and interesting. Right now he is discussing the filming of a movie based on one of his books. I just hope the movie will be shown here in the U.S.

Now to test this link and see if it works.

Tryouts

Just trying the mobile blogging functions. Yesterday I learned how to do audioblogs, today it was photo blog entries. This is pretty cool!

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I am feeling a little triumphant today. I realized while I have not lost the weight I would have liked to, I am still at a lower weight than I was last year. I haven't been able to work out this week because of birthdays and such, but I also haven't had any chocolate this week (except for that frosting which is now all gone!) When I was baking the cake for tonight I discovered what was missing from my cake making-the smelll of my mother's mixer as it worked. That was why it always felt like a birthday. Well, time for new traditions, as long as it doesn't involve using yogurt butter-which does not bake well into a cake.

I am coming to realize that I am mediocre. I may be intelligent, but my life falls short of what I wanted. I may have two Masters degrees but I am not the go get teacher librarian I always pictured, working with teachers to create all kinds of lesson plans and working with them and the kids. It is unlikely that I will ever teach at the college level and even my book reviews are not great-though I hope to work on that with practice. But I am ok, for the most part, with this. I have a great family life, a pleasant roof over my head, and a job to go to everyday, so we can live comfortably, even if it is always on the edge.

As I was taking my multitudes of medication, I wondered if I should just stop. But then came the memories of the spiral down into desperation. K. once said that John Nash (the mathematician portrayed in A Beautiful Mind) had his profound visions when he was not taking medication. Does this mean that he should not have been given medicine so he could be a genius through and through? I guess each person needs to decide this on an individual basis.
I am practicing not getting into the her/him/themselves bit. Part of the thesis defense that took place nearly two weeeks ago. I have actually finished. Of course it took four years more than it should have, but that was what the wallet and the mind could handle. Now I have two degrees and no where to go. Hopefully I will soon find what is my next step in life. No more school, no more kids, now I should find something less selfish to do.
Tired and unable to see with this old pair of glasses, I say goodnight.

Things having been going well. I actually bought a watch and am wearing it without any problem. It has been over six years since I could do that! I had to buy a new one though because they had no bands for the one I own. I also bought a really nice long skirt that hopefully does not make me look like a smurf (short and stubby) and I bought a really pretty sweater. Dressing nicely gives a new and better perspective on things. Oh well, back to work. Only an hour to go.

It has been a great end of the year. I think I actually get it. I understand how I might be missed if I were not here. It was a revelation that occured to me a couple of weeks ago. I suppose this is selfish, but at least I believe I am worth something. DS and BH and I really can have a good time together and they both need me as I need them. It's a great start to the new year. Happy New Year!

This morning was a perfect morning for driving. For the past 20 years or so I have driven through the same intersection every day. I am driving west with the sunrising behind me. It throws a golden sheen onto everything. Just gorgeous. This morning was even better because it has been such a warm autumn that many trees still have leaves on them. There is an old elm tree with beautiful swaying branches and this mornining, in addition to the sunlight was a dark shadow on the tree. It makes it worth it just to drive that way.
Amazingly I also still have 8 or 9 rosebud's that are left to open. With the weather predicted to be warm they should open in a day or two and it's already November 4th. I hope we don't get killed with snow or cold this winter.

I had a great dream last night. Some of it was weird, but some of it was great. I was in the house with the room that I am always terrified of, but I had to go into that room. There was a witch in the room, but I stood my ground and said the prayer the Our Father. Then my mother came and gave me communion and the witch was gone. I can only hope this means that the nightmare room has disappeared forever. I'll see!

My posting has been spotty lately. That probably means things are going well, since I only tend to post so I can bitch. I have completed the first draft of my thesis-my advisor said it's good-whatever that means. I have an interesting story to share.
A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine who is Buddhist said she had gone to a Christian retreat and the retreat house had a labyrinth. She wanted to know what the labyrinth was for and I explained that it was a way to meditate and could be used for prayer. She explained that one of her friends had asked God for a sign that He was there. When she got to the center there was a woolly bear. A second friend did the same and found another woolly bear. I thought it was an interesting story and possibly a coincidence. The next day, one of the students at our school was killed in a car accident. This was really terrible and I felt miserable (as did just about everyone at the school.) At home things didn't get better. I can't remember exactly what happened but it ended with my cat getting sick. I took out the remains to the garbage, crying and was on my way back in when I found the first woolly bear I had seen in years. I believe that was a sign to me.
This past weekend resulted in flooding at my cousin's house and we also prepared my parents' house. Again, exhausted, frustrated, crying, and asking a little prayer, I walked up the stairs I had just gone down and found another woolly bear. It might just be coincidence, but it sure boosted my morale.

Things have been going better this week, as we get ready to move to the new school, it is getting exciting!
Well, time to sign off.

We had the party for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary which they enjoyed. It was a great party with alot of family and friends who we haven't seen in years. Was up really late on Saturday, and then couldn't sleep well on Sunday. Sleep was interesting. As I was falling asleep, I thought someone was trying to stab me. I could even feel the knife as it went through me. Then I had a fantastic dream about a man who knew what I wanted to do and took me on this trip around a building which had roller coaster dips and all sorts of other amazing stuff. It was nice to partially remember a dream that wasn't bad. Back to work.