2010 again

I am hoping it won't be but I have already been back to the hospital once. Even though I feel really good about things I can't stop thinking about cutting myself. I did on Thursday, but not yesterday. I feel really strongly about it again tonight. I have to make a long cut from my wrist to the inside of my elbow. But at the same time, I am unable to sleep much past 8 in the morning anymore and I not only cooked dinner every night this week, I even made an apple crisp, cleaned the whole living room from one end to the other and decorated for fall. How can things be good and bad at the same time? My dreams have been bad lately though no major nightmares. I have seen the white thing 3 times now. I see this thing and think it's BH until I realize he is elsewhere. It really scares me and I saw it once in the hospital, though I knew it couldn't be BH, I thought it was another person. I am sitting outside watching my firepots burn. It got up to over 80 today, but now has cooled off. The dew got the grass cold and wet which felt good to walk over in a cold and wet way. Glad I had bare feet. Moved indoors and the warmth feels good. No need for heat yet but that should start next week. I am hoping to make it without going to the hospital but also want to feel safe, which I do not feel right now. The boy is home visiting and is currently in front of the computer screen. I suspect he will be in front of one screen or another until tomorrow afternoon. I have some TLC to give my poor feet and face and arm. I managed to give myself tennis elbow from sawing all the trees we lost in the hurricane. My allergies are really bothering me. With no killing frost and a wet summer and fall, the stuff out there has left me with a perpetually almost runny nose. A headache and stuffy throat have also been around. I have decided that I could never drown myself. With the occasional asthma attack, not being able to breathe that way is too hard. I tried it but couldn't do it. Chocking might be easier. I discovered that the multiple bracelets I wear loop around my neck tightly and two can be hooked together even tighter. I didn't go to far because I didn't want to go past the point of no return and have BH find me.

My last attempt that sent me to the hospital was by taking an overdose again. I apparently did not take enough or they found me to soon. I had tried call several people, including a couple of priests, and I couldn't reach anyone. Apparently a former priest did get my message and called, but I had already taken the pills. They used the GPS in my cell phone to find. Everything went blank, I do remember a cop telling me he was there to help, then nothing until Wednesday.  There was no heat and no hot water for showers for 5 days. It was not fun but at least I was rooming with a woman who was about my age and was a teacher. We had a lot in common and I felt a little more comfortable  than other times.

Things at work are going better. I have to realize that the somewhat new principal isn't always the best people person. She micromanages things. I just have to go in, do my job the best I can. I am also, for the first time since before he was born, not obsessing as much about DS. He is home tonight but this is only the second time since he went to school that he has come home.

Good night