The first weekend

I started at the outpatient program on Friday. I only went to one group because of signing papers, giving info, etc. The group seems good, but a lot with substance abuse. I realize because we live in an area of small towns, there are probably few programs that cater to just psych cases. There is plenty of overlap, especially with addictive behavior, but it can be hard to talk about things that make you sound really crazy because you cut or scratched yourself or o'd when you were completely sober. But I just have to realize that in order for this to possibly stick and work for more than a couple of years I need to tell all. I will probably never see these people again, yet they may be the source of  a wisdom only afforded by people in a similar state.
I had some flutters when going by the hospital and every time I think of being in the hospital, I have to reinforce that I am ok out here. Only fleeting instances of thoughts of cutting, mainly because I know better that I have to distract myself quickly before they get to to be too much. Spent the day doing some work around the house, now I am knitting a hat for my mother for Christmas and have the TV on because it is really easy knitting and not enough of a distraction. Back to knitting.

Back home again

Things started unraveling even before that last post, I just didn't realize it. Went to Psych hospital on the 12th and just got back today. Somehow it seems like those two weeks didn't even happen, but it did and I will be putting my journal on the blog soon. I actually lost the journal for the first couple of days. A MHW was being nice and moved my stuff to a new room and it got lost along the way. It was very upsetting because I don't recall all the time and my journal is my constant companion. I record what actually happens, then I can return to them and have a different perspective once the time has actually passed.

What do I do?

I am not necessarily a conceited person (though with BPD I do realize that everything DOES revolve around me) but I am still unsure of why this happens or what I am supposed to do about it. When I picked up my prescriptions, when the pharmacist was handing my change to me, he held my hand, then released it with the money. I have found that throughout my teen and adult life, I have had unexpected "advances" from different men. Beginning when I was in my teens and the assistant manager where I worked told me he was getting a divorce from his wife and we began seeing one another. Of course he wasn't and I was devastated when I found out. This type of things has continued over the years. The professor who wanted to take me on a trip to the Caribbean, the professional man who always found some reason to touch me, every time we were in the same place, the men who have put their arms around my waist.  While it is flattering, I get so confused by it, I don't know what to do or how I should really feel about it.  And I have no one to ask about this. Even if N. where still here, I don't think I could ask her about this. Just one more confusing, addled thing to think about.

Missing cats and crushed bodies

Last night was a mixture of camping or visiting someplace. I had Suiger and Skittles (gone many years now) with me. Skittles got lost and I was trying to catch her. We heard The woman's legs were pulp though I didn't see them. I went into the house to help with the boy. He had no face. His eyes and nose and mouth sunk into his face into something barely recognizable as human. They wanted me to leave him alone and do something else. I worked with them doing dishes because they would be having lots of company. They ignored the boy. I never actually saw the woman which is strange because I am not usually spared this.

Bad dreams

So last night the dream involved people in an alternate world. The people had a difference between them that caused a rift. I couldn't figure out the difference, but know I was in the "minority." I reached this place by going through a small hole in someone's house. There were three choices what to do: join the majority group which would mean an altering of memory and intelligence, ignoring the majority group and hoping they wouldn't notice us and leave us alone, or taking an overdose so they couldn't do anything with us. We tried (have no idea who other players were) to get other to join us in not doing anything, but seemed that wasn't working. Decided to commit suicide, but did not have enough prescriptions to cover everyone (Peter, Garrett, myself and the two cats. Had to get to pharmacy to get the rest of the meds.There was also a bus ride involved in which the driver just stopped driving and others had to take the bus. Then others were arguing over the bus and where it was going. It was all a bit mixed up and muddled from waiting until today to record it. But it's out now. It wasn't terribly scary, just quirky and probably is related to the book I am reading which is Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins. Goodnight.

All grown up

So, the young one is off to school. Part of me hopes he fails, but I know that isn't really what I want. It is just that for 19 years it has been my boy and me. While I have not stopped living for him, he has always been there for me to talk to and take with me. Now I come home to an empty house. I need to figure out something I want to do. I don't know where that will take me, but I am sure there is something I will find. It's not that there isn't enough to do around the house, so I should be able to find things to do.

As for the boy, it IS definitely time for him to be working out on his life on his own. It will have fun times and scary times but is his time. While Dad misses him too, he his normal and doesn't have to wrap himself around the boy so tight that he tries to get away. A problem I have and while I try to keep from doing that, it still happens. There are so much confusing things that happen. This summer was ok, I feel kind of weird that I don't miss Pop to much, but on thinking about it, he just sat at home, watched TV and drank. I think about all the things Grandad has done in the same time just astounds me. I am proud of Pop for always making sure his family had clothes, food, and a house. I am just not sure of what else happened in the house. I have heard rumors, but no one will actually say if anything is true.


Some how I lost the summer and am really unsure of the future. In addition to finding something else to do around the house, I have to find a way to keep up things at work in a positive manner.

This is has been a very rambling post because I am so confused about what is going to happen and where I will be in six months.

Lost Summer Nights

This whole summer has been tumultuous for sleeping for me. Between nightmares,  vivid dreams, dreams where I wake find myself performing the action I was dreaming about and leg and arm spasms, I have had little whole night rest. Forgot to mention the fever breaking cold and the vomiting nights. And now my husband's father has died. The doctor has put me back on Minipress to help control some of this. I am hoping it works soon.

My priest is moving to a new parish. We have not been able to give her a raise for the past couple of years and this has created a hardship for her family. It means the long process of finding someone to take her place. I thought it would be hard to see her after learning this, but an experience over the summer gave me a clear insight into the relationship we could have as a priest and parishioner. The friendship I had hoped for wasn't to be. I actually understand it though it still hurts a bit.

I have to remember the good times and see that I do all that I can to make the transition to this next chapter in her life as smooth a possible. I will miss watching her children grow. There are too many things to cry about right now so I'm signing off.

Watching History Being Made

I am still having trouble believing that we actually have an African-American for President. I can hardly describe my feelings as I continually feel the tears of joy as I watch the inauguration, the parade, the review of the parade, etc. I can only imagine how Black Americans feel. His election is not only important because he is Black, but also because his presidency hopefully marks a change in policy and a new era for the United States. I am bursting with joy!

Late night/Early Morning posts

It is obvious that writing while half asleep leads to poor spelling and grammar. After I went to bed, I had a nightmare about someone in the house with us, trying to get to me. Even the police setting up around the house didn't keep the man out. I woke up abruptly and tried to find the lights but there were none and BH couldn't find them, at which point I realized the nightmare wasn't over. I don't remember waking up from it, but I do remember being completely disturbed by the whole thing and not being able to sleep again. I am happy that they are fewer and farther between than they used to be. Only one day left to vacation, then back to the grind for all of us.

Glimmer of understanding

Tonight i almost understood that others might care if I were gone. I was thinking about how I would want my funeral to go and I just thought how my choice of music might affect my family. Whild I am not considering suicide, my priest said it is good to have have a plan in place so others don't have difficult choices to make at a time when they don't need to. Well, I am really tirede so I am heading back to bed. Good night.

Things have been going well, with just some concerns about DS. He really is bored with and hates school. His grades are reflecting it and I am worried that he may have to crash and burn before he gets it. I pray that this will not be the case. I am looking for a new psychdr. for him. His current one will not have seen him in 7 months, which is about 6 too mamy for me. I worry that his meds are not working the way they should because of his growth (6'2" now.) I am sure this will all soon be resolved.

Summer Memories

A lot has happened since I posted the last time. We went to the mission trip and had a life-changing and humbling trip. We meant people who really needed our help, who were willing to take our help and were willing to share what little they had with us.
We also went to the Grand Canyon and had a great family trip. It was wonderful to just be the three of us for a change and the Canyon was as beautiful and awesome as I remember. While m pictures are good, they still don't show it's true greatness.
Some good things have happened. The library will now be open all day again, it has already effected how many people are using the library. I had 8 classes in one day which was fantastic! Things have been going well, though I did have a spider nightmare this week. It was very sad that DS's school lost four students this summer, three from accidents, one from suicide. It wasn't discussed much, hopefully all those students who needed counseling got it. I still sometimes get urges to cut, but rarely. So all is well for now.

Secret Postcard

I was just invited to create a secret postcard. I put a secret on it-I won't say what. But it was surprising how easy it was to do and scary how morbid part of it was. I have had a couple of real lows in the past couple of weeks. I also have had a couple of nightmares. One was wake up screaming type of nightmare, the others I only remember being scary. I thought I was through with the nightmares, but I guess not. I always think that if I can remember what happened, it would get better. In any case I have to take them as the come. Time to get back to work.

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