It has been a great end of the year. I think I actually get it. I understand how I might be missed if I were not here. It was a revelation that occured to me a couple of weeks ago. I suppose this is selfish, but at least I believe I am worth something. DS and BH and I really can have a good time together and they both need me as I need them. It's a great start to the new year. Happy New Year!

This morning was a perfect morning for driving. For the past 20 years or so I have driven through the same intersection every day. I am driving west with the sunrising behind me. It throws a golden sheen onto everything. Just gorgeous. This morning was even better because it has been such a warm autumn that many trees still have leaves on them. There is an old elm tree with beautiful swaying branches and this mornining, in addition to the sunlight was a dark shadow on the tree. It makes it worth it just to drive that way.
Amazingly I also still have 8 or 9 rosebud's that are left to open. With the weather predicted to be warm they should open in a day or two and it's already November 4th. I hope we don't get killed with snow or cold this winter.

I had a great dream last night. Some of it was weird, but some of it was great. I was in the house with the room that I am always terrified of, but I had to go into that room. There was a witch in the room, but I stood my ground and said the prayer the Our Father. Then my mother came and gave me communion and the witch was gone. I can only hope this means that the nightmare room has disappeared forever. I'll see!

My posting has been spotty lately. That probably means things are going well, since I only tend to post so I can bitch. I have completed the first draft of my thesis-my advisor said it's good-whatever that means. I have an interesting story to share.
A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine who is Buddhist said she had gone to a Christian retreat and the retreat house had a labyrinth. She wanted to know what the labyrinth was for and I explained that it was a way to meditate and could be used for prayer. She explained that one of her friends had asked God for a sign that He was there. When she got to the center there was a woolly bear. A second friend did the same and found another woolly bear. I thought it was an interesting story and possibly a coincidence. The next day, one of the students at our school was killed in a car accident. This was really terrible and I felt miserable (as did just about everyone at the school.) At home things didn't get better. I can't remember exactly what happened but it ended with my cat getting sick. I took out the remains to the garbage, crying and was on my way back in when I found the first woolly bear I had seen in years. I believe that was a sign to me.
This past weekend resulted in flooding at my cousin's house and we also prepared my parents' house. Again, exhausted, frustrated, crying, and asking a little prayer, I walked up the stairs I had just gone down and found another woolly bear. It might just be coincidence, but it sure boosted my morale.

Things have been going better this week, as we get ready to move to the new school, it is getting exciting!
Well, time to sign off.

We had the party for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary which they enjoyed. It was a great party with alot of family and friends who we haven't seen in years. Was up really late on Saturday, and then couldn't sleep well on Sunday. Sleep was interesting. As I was falling asleep, I thought someone was trying to stab me. I could even feel the knife as it went through me. Then I had a fantastic dream about a man who knew what I wanted to do and took me on this trip around a building which had roller coaster dips and all sorts of other amazing stuff. It was nice to partially remember a dream that wasn't bad. Back to work.

I am terrible as a journal writer. I go one or two or ten days before writing. Things are going better with DS The Concerta has changed his demeanor, just as I knew it would. The only thing is he is kind of antsy at night. Last night he could not get to sleep until almost three in the morning, though he did have some chocolate cake. I am pleased to see the differences in him and that he is getting off so much medication. School starts a week from tomorrow-yippee! I have decided to have a new attitutude and try to just stick to my place more. Keep my mouth shut and out of the way. Since I have effected little change to the teaching staff in ten years it is unlikely that I ever will. I am tired so that's it for tonight.

After a terrible night last night, couldn't get to sleep, couldn't write, type or knit, today has been great. I have done all three of the above plus printed out and organized the new J2A manual. We worked more on the AC and trying to keep it quiet. We have succeeded for the moment but it will probably get louder. Oh well! Goodnight!!

Today began early (5), got up, ate, did a bit of work, then went back to bed. Bad dream two days ago with substance coming out of my mouth which tasted bad and I couldn't get rid of all of it. This morning (and I write this concerned about possible comments) I had a penis in my mouth and couldn't get it out. Even now, twelve hours later, it makes me cry. It was terrible. It has made my whole day go bad. I couldn't sit still, I can't write my thesis and to add to it, I have found two large spiders in the house. One of them is gone, the other I called my parents for. I feel so stupid about it, I should be able to handle a spider at my age, but I can't. Anyway, took some Ativan so I could get through the rest of the night. Being alone and considering my day, I am battling the blade.

One of the most consistent things that have been a part of my illness, is my inability to believe that it makes no difference to anyone if I am here or not. I know I should believe that, but I don't. I want to believe it but don't. I think maybe somewhere deep down, I believe it, but am afraid to feel it because it would be so overwhelming. Something for my next session with S.

As has become a yearly ritual, the boys went off to camp and I tore something apart, this time the hall. I have ripped down all the paneling and taken off half the wallpaper that was underneath it. Tomorrow I will finish the wallpaper and hopefully on Friday will be able to start painting. I doubt it will be finished for Saturday, but it's too late to turn back now.

I have begun making bookmarks to sell. I may try some bracelets next week or necklaces, but I need more time to experiment. Maybe I will sell something this week.

S. was hilarious this morning. I had put on Sesame Street (I like to keep up with these shows) and he started watching. At one time he was laying with his back to the TV and watching upside down. He then proceeded to attack Elmo. He's such a goofy cat!

Another coincedence:

One of BH's co-workers has a daughter with summer reading. One of the titles is Snow Angels by Orhan Pamuk, someone I have never heard of. On Saturday, we found the book and bought it for them. Tonight I finished reading Azar Nafisi's Reading Lolita in Tehran. At the very end she is discussing new authors she has found including Pamuk. Now of course I have to find a copy and read it myself.

This is probably the best statement I have ever read about reading novels:

“A novel is not an allegory, I said, as the period was about to come to an end. It is the sensual experience of another world. If you don’t enter that world, hold your breath with the characters and become involved in their destiny, you won’t be able to empathize, and empathy is at the heart of the novel. This is how you read a novel: you inhale the experience. So start breathing. I just want you to remember this. That is all; class dismissed.”
-- Azar Nafisi
Reading Lolita In Teheran

Not a nightmare last night, just a bad dream. I was at school (as a student) and had schoolwork to do but did not have the assignments. The school turned into something like a psych hospital. I was in some kind of cart lying down. The woman next to me had sex with a man-I ended up getting wet. I was really angry with her. I discovered that everyone else on the cart had gotten off. I wanted to climb some high mountain but could not (don't know why) Then my ambitious neighbor started weed wacking and there was no more sleep for anyone. I really think I need a vacation based on my recent dreams about the ocean or mountains, though I'm sure their is some Freudian meaning behind these dreams.

Last week I had an interesting and new nightmare. I was somewhere taking care of children and there were other adults around. One of the young (toddler) boys grabbed my breasts. No one would listen to me or do anything about it. I woke up very angry.