Winter's blast

It is so cold out today. Even our kitchen floor is cold to walk on. Tomorrow should be better, up to around 20. But then our regular March weather is back over the weekend. We finally picked up our new car on Saturday. It feels good to be driving our car again. The money is all mixed up and I hope to get it straigtened out by the end of next week. Money is always an issue, even when there is enough . I have straightened out some other issues, even though they were difficult, they were necessary changes and should help me stay well.

I did some "painting" the other night. Felt kind of nice, but also very intense. I don't really paint things, just the paper with whatever colors I feel like using. They are usually bold colors. I wonder if other people just paint. Anyway, they are now downstairs with the others, with me kind of hoping nobody ever sees them, since they are so bad. Then again, who knows, I might be the next Van Gogh!

Before and After

I have been thinking about all the things I used to be before I was diagnosed. It's hard to say sick, since I have been that way since I was a young child. The medication changed me in many ways. I was more creative, more driven, smarter and in general a more "A" type personality. On the other hand I was more opinionated, more narrowminded and more difficult in general. So the whole thing has been a give and take. I could never sit still before and never understood how people could sit in a doctor's office and not read anything. Now it is normal for me. I can actually lay still in bed without having to get up as soon as I am awake. However, I did lose my ability to daydream. I miss that. It is part of how I have lost my ambition.

It has made me a better mother, though not quite as good a wife. I often wonder how much BH misses the thin, excitable woman he married. But now I am more "normal" than before.

DS and I went to visit Mom and Dad today. DS had lots to talk to Granddad about with the Robotics Club. I talked a little then vacuumed the floor. It only took a few minutes and it made Mom feel better. Quite a bit of stuff had been tracked in from the dog. I also got BH and DS to go to Wal-Mart with me. I thought they might have some knitting needles that I needed. No such luck. But I did buy more yarn with which to make a prayer shawl. (I am trying to keep up my writing skills, in case I ever need them again.) BH went to visit his dad today. He helped him with some picture hangers and took him grocery shopping. Pop always enjoys a visit from one of his sons and ropes them into helping with his errands. He is quite lonely and it would be great if he lived closer (I think). One of the sisters is putting all the stuff she has left from when their Mother died and is going to put it out for people to take. It should be an interesting adventure.

It felt kind of weird driving by MRNC without worrying about needing to visit someone there. Aunie C has started giving away things and has apparently decided she would be the next to go. I don't know what makes her think that.

I am listening to War of the Worlds. I think I may have mentioned this before but that was a good movie, but somewhat terrifying for me. Many of my nightmares were filled with giant things (dinosaurs, etc.) chasing me into hiding places with lots of loud footstomps. Sometimes I also find it difficult to watch CSI, etc. because they remind of nightmares of mutilated bodies. I don't need to add to what my imagination already comes up with. The most terrifying dream I have had was when I dreamt that someone was going to steal DS from me. We had gone outside to sleep because it was too hot in the house and BH was gone on reserve duty. I was so scared I went into the house, locked all the doors and windows and barely slept the rest of the night. I am taking Minipress to get rid of them, but it hasn't worked completely. I have had two nightmares this month, which is a lot better than other times, but they were pretty bad nightmares, even if I can't remember them, I remember how they left me feeling.

I have thought a lot about joining NAMI but haven't done that yet. Maybe soon.

Not so much guilt

I'm feeling better today. One thing I have to remember is that not everything is about me. This has nothing to do with me other than I know her and I need to keep that in mind. I have asked to have her prayed for at tomorrow's church service. I am still not sure if I will meet with n or not. From now on I will refer to bh (beloved husband) and ds (dear son.) If I am really ambitious, I will go to past posts and change them all. (Probably not.) Time for dinner.

For the first time in a week it was not freezing with a cutting wind. We got outside and cleared some brush and hauled it away in our temporary truck. Last Sunday a woman turned left in front of our car and completely wrecked our car. By the end of next week we will have a new one. Probably the same kind of car, but maybe not black. BH wants to get a bigger car because he is so upset about it all. I checked out the new ones they had and there were some different color choices. (I thought bright orange might make it easier to see our car-BH didn't laugh.)

Youth group again tomorrow. We will be working on our understanding of the Lord's prayer. I need to think of questions to ask about it, but I would rather find something else to do. I have made a commitment to read more because I am woefully behind in my reading. I haven't felt motivated to much of anything anymore-I think I have mentioned it before. Dr. S. said I should excercise more and it will help. I had been going to the gym more but I couldn't last week because of the whiplash. Dr. W. said I could go back to any activities I wanted to.

I think tonight I might watch Stargate SG-1 Season 9. I just found out this will be their last season on, so I need to catch up by April to watch all of them. Yes, I am a SciFi geek. DS has started working with the Robotics Club. He is very interested and it is an opportunity to work with live human beings rather than disembodied voices on computer games. He is also working with real engineers and seeing what they do. I am pretty happy tonight-much more so than last night. One day at a time.

blah, blahbla, blahba. Can't thing of anything positive to say, so i will say nothing.

Back to the Grind

Vacation was quiet as usual. No trips to anywhere, just home for the holidays. It was ok, though there was the usual tiptoeing around to make sure nobody got offended, but I am not sure that happened. On New Year's Eve I told DS (quietly) not to guzzle his cider because it was rude. Then M. guzzled his and DS commented that he had been told not to because it was rude. I think that probably caused discussion after doors were closed. Oh well. At least I didn't call anyone a bitch this year (in my head or out loud.)
I have been alone at work for the past few days and it has still been boring. The couple of jobs I do have to do I haven't been able to because I can't do them while waiting on students. There are no library jobs open anywhere near here. I keep hoping that something will open up near home. This doesn't seem likely. I also go back this week to youth group alone, no takers for the position yet. Maybe it's just me.
I think I am getting burnt out on all of it. With so little contact with peers and the brief contact with students, I am really sick of it all.
Let's see, i have complained enough yet?

More grey weather and warm too. Not like 60 degree warm but high 40's warm. Too warm for snow, but too cold for a lot of outdoor activities. And it's supposed to rain again today. It's turning out to be a bleak fall. I have one more book to review, but I don't feel much like doing it right now. I have successfully learned to use the Video Furnace. It doesn't take up much of my time because it tapes in real time, so once it starts I have an hour or more to just leave it. Can't remember what I was going to say so I'll write more later.

Today is a crappy day. It is cloudy and rainy again and it is too warm for December. I'm really tired and can't wait to get home to nap, but first DS has an appointment, so I drive all the way home, pick him up then drive all the way back. It's ridiculous. Well at least it is supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I have been reading some very good children's literature blogs. I read them once a day and get to find out what is going on out there.

Some of the one's I like are:
Fuse#8
Book Moot
hiplibrariansbookblog
Neil Gaiman's Journal
and
bookshelves of doom

Check them out and see how you like them. There are a few more I read that I have not included here.

Thanksgiving and the weekend were nice. We had Thanksgiving at D.'s house. We went to visit Pop, then went shopping. On Saturday we did some cleaning and Sunday we helped fix the garage door at Mom and Dad's. I went to see Dr. S. It was an interesting appointment. He turned an entire incident around so I could see it from the other side's point of view. He also said that my motivation is probably just lagging from boredom and did not change any of my medication. DS. has a cold and was miserable yesterday with it. He took a good long nap which cured some of it. Then we forgot the no games rule and he played for three hours. OOPS! I have to write to his teachers and see how he is doing. I will probably write today. I am almost afraid to see how things are going after an ok report card. More later.

I should have stayed home today. I am so drowsy, it's not funny. DS has a showcase tonight and I want to be awake for that. He has an assignment that is due tomorrow that he hasn't finished yet. I am really angry with him for being in this situation because I encouraged him earlier this week to get ahead on it, which of course he didn't do.
I have been reading great things about a book called Flotsam, by David Wiesner. I am betting that it is this year's Caldecott winner. Probably not a difficult choice to make, since everybody who has reviewed it has given it rave reviews.
I have to be careful about working out when listening to a book. Tuesday, I was listening to Maximum Ride and the main characters were being chased. At the same time I was working on a machine for my arms and apparently got caught up in the moment and didn't pay attention to the fact that the weight was far more than I usually work out. I can really feel it on my arms today.
It's raining again today (fourth day in a row with cloudy skies.) Maybe we will get some sunshine to finish putting the shed together and fix the garage door. The garage itself needs cleaning but I think that will have to wait for another weekend. bye now.

I read an incredible book on Friday. It was called The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. It was not the most well written book I have ever read and it was written for a younger audience, but it will haunt you for days after reading it. BH has a cold and is really tired. He has been doing to many weekend things and needs to take a break. I'm pretty tired too. I will be asking Dr. S. about my meds because I think they may be too much for me. I feel like a slug all the time and don't really want to do anything, even read. I'll be seeing him this week and can ask about it. DS has new medication to take and see if it works better.
Bedtime.

Mostly different guys except one. We had a great time, but a long drive home!

Here are the guys.

This past week went by pretty quickly. DS was all caught up with work. I am going to speak to Dr. S about my lack of motivation. I am not even up to reading or knitting which is unusual. I don't feel too depressed so I am wondering if it is one of my meds. I'll have to wait until next week to find out.
We really are into fall because it has been in the twenties during the overnight and only up to the forties during the day. Nice crisp days as long as your dressed right. We finished the leaves and BH mowed so all we have left is to clean the shed and get it ready for winter (and fix the garage door, which currently is only available manually.)
Back to work.