S. has asked me to keep a journal so we can talk about things that bother me between sessions. She also asked me to try to jot down what I remember in dreams. There have been so many bad ones, I have trouble keeping track of them. I also sometimes can't remember if something was a dream or actually happened. A bit scary.

In last night's dream we were trapped by people who wanted information on the "mob." Not really like Al Capone, but an underworld group. We escaped and there was a pregnant woman with us, but she was with BH (Maybe a bit of guilt that it is unlikely that BH will experience me in that condition.)

I have also been having a really hard time lately. I love BH but I miss the physical contact with him. He never lets me sleep touching him anymore, I'm lucky if I get a kiss and any kind of PDA is absent.
I also feel prettty crappy about myself. I don't have a complete wardrobe for now, I haven't been able to get up early enough to shower and dry my hair. I have no contact lenses, no rings and have rolls of fat on my stomach. Just about the time I think I am ok with that, I look in the mirror. I also believe that I smell. It has always been one of my hangups and though I have had BH tell me I needed a shower a couple of times since we've been married, I can't help feeling that way. I have also gone back to the two chocolate bars and chocolate milk everyday. I need to control myself with that and eat real food. I bit my arm today, though not hard enough to leave marks, I have never been able to do that. I did scratch my arm a bit with my fingernails, but again, not enough to leave major marks. I try to use any excuse to put it off. Examples: it's still too warm for long sleeves, I won't be able to work with the youth if I hurt myself, DS and BH are around and might catch me, my mom will know, the PT will know and ask, but none of them seem to be enough reason. Like S. said it is a kind of addiction, because I know if I cut myself I will feel a release and feel calmer for a while. It's just that I have to get the bad part out-the part that is attracted to this other man and the part that looks like a middle-aged woman. I just need to make it through tonight and then I hopefully will have the strength to make it through tomorrow.