What to do?

I felt really great last week. Things were going well and I really thought I would stay that way. But life doesn't work that way. Starting on Friday I felt like cutting myself or drowning or stabbing myself. I spent some time in church which only got me more confused. I have been asking God for help for many years and I wonder if he is helping me more than I think and I just don't know enough to take it.

I met with my therapist yesterday and she urged me to get a second opinion about my meds because she doesn't like the ones I am taking. This is the third or fourth time since January that she has tried to get me to change doctors. It is very stressful. I have no intention of changing doctors. I trust and like him and I have heard from other professionals that he is good (GP, pharmacist, therapists.) Somewhere along the line she took offense at something and seems to have lost respect. It is looking more likely that I will have to change therapists because I can't continue with things the way they are. It makes me doubt that I am thinking with a clear mind about his care for me.

I should realize by now that life isn't perfect and that I sometimes I need to do things that I don't want to. Thinking and writing about these things are hard, but I can't avoid them forever. Working through them will help me understand that I can survive unpleasant things. Kind of funny considering that I was thinking of poking a knife into my chest (not a very pleasant thing to think about either.)

I have been spending a lot of time with my DH. He likes to watch old movies and most of the time I don't mind sitting using the computer. He likes the company and so do I. I think I may skip that tonight. I have been doing more housework and cooking, though tonight's chili was ruined by mistaking 2 chili chipotle peppers for two CANS. As soon as it cools it will hit the trash. I will try it again on Friday.

My therapist wants me to write down what leads me to the dark thoughts. Sometimes I can't really figure it out, but I suppose there is something.