Sick

I have been sick for the past couple of days with a cold. Now I just sound terrible but feel better physically. I have been looking for help all day, but finally gave in and cut. I am sure I will again. I tried several different things to keep from doing it. I tried distracting, praying, mindfulness, thinking about what it would do to my family. Nothing worked and by the time I got home I was considerig other more lethal things. I actually put a sock around my neck. I also counted all my Ativan, which I had 30 of this time rather than 19. When I was trying to get the razor apart to use it, I found a hack saw that was pretty sharp and then a carpet knife. I was able to resist the temptation of both of those, but now I am alone again. Several times I looked up several things on suicide and cutting, but found no relief-I just kept wanting to type HELP and have someone or something show up to take it all away.

I have tried all day to discover where this all came from. I got my hair highlighted yesterday. I love it, but I don't know about anyone else since there was little other commentary. Once before someone said I was a beautiful woman. I can see this a bit, I don't think I am a dog and I think I have great eyes and nice smile. But someone else said I was a beautiful woman yesterday. This makes me all confused because I am not sure how they mean that. It also makes me feel uptight because I feel like I am somehow letting them down.

I watch the images and news that floods about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and feel helpless to help them. I want to be able to go there and dig with my hands if need be I want to help find survivors, just something to make their lives easier at this horrific time. But at the same time I doubt I would be able to help them in my current state. I don't know if I will ever be able to provide this kind of help. I have been feeling kind of let down with my life. I wanted to be doing much more than I am and lately I have wanted to help other people get better, but since that eludes me, I don't think that will happen.

Suiger is seems to have expanded his life a bit longer. The steroids are holding off the effects of the lesions on his brain for now. I am enjoying time with him and indulging him  a bit. I let him outside tonight, we toured the house a couple of times and then I brought him in. He seemed really nervous by the time I brought him in. His tail was all bushed and he was hissing. A little overwhelming for him.