I think I can finally write about what happened in March. I had been cutting my Nortryptiline down, then went off of it altogether. A couple of weeks after I had stopped taking it, I went into a nosedive. I called my psych doctor, but he misunderstood the message I left. On Monday afternoon, my doctor asked about how I was feeling and my reply was less than wonderful. I actually tried to sneak out of his office, but they stopped me. By the end of the week I was panicking because I was afraid they would send me to the hospital. I had planned on waiting until Saturday, but my minister called and was having BH take me to the emergency room. I packed a bottle of soda and all of the Nor... I had. They left me with my backpack and I took about 13 of the pills. Just before I went out, some little bit of me realized it was a mistake and told the nurse. I wasn't a good patient, I had to be restrained. In any case I only remember a little of it, but I know I had none of my family because I didn't want them to see what I went through. However N. stayed with me until they were ready to transfer me to Natchaug.
I don't know when the following was written, after my first hospalizaton, but before my second.

I don't want anyone to know because they get upset or piteous-I don't want either
Explaining to BH about cutting-he was angry and upset.
My lip is bleeding
Medication back and forth between Dr. S. and S.
I feel like I disappoinited him and I was weak and cowardly. There is a time every single day when it gets all balled up in my stomach and has to go somewhere. Most days I can get through but sometimes not. I can get through sometimes but not. Talking doesn't help because I don't understand what makes me feel that way. I just can't bleed enough to get the bad part out. It scares me sometimes after I feel bad. The other night I was cutting a grapefruit for BS and put the knife to my chest and pushed. Buth the clothes were too thick and the knife not sharp enough.
Sometimes I just stay there and don't think about anything and just need to rub something-my shirt, my face, a stone. I don't have to think about things then. I can't think of what it is that I ever did so bad that I need to get rid of it, but I know I feel like I have.
There are too many things going in my head. Knitting makes me concentrate on one. Taking extra Klonopin and/or Ativan calms my mind down gradually. It feels good when things arent' all racing around. There are too many conversations in my head. Sometimes I answer them myself sometimes I think someone else answers them. Ghosts-who take care of DS and I-then sent to a friend. What was that. I'm too tired to think anymore but I can't stop-I just want it to be quiet!
I want' to be alone because when people talk to me I have to concentrate on what they are saying and I can't because of what is in my head.
I missed R. this week. I know that Bin Laden is evil and will go to hell but should we pray for his followers who perhaps felt so lost that follow him because he gives them a sense of family. There isn't anyone to answer these questions and I'm too confused. At communion today I was relieved because A. gave communion and she looks in your eyes not your hands so she could'nt see my wrist. I don't want people to think that poor me, she's been mentally ill and can't handle things any more but it is the truth. I could always accomplish more than other people. But now I can't and I know it. I look at my aunt with Alzheimer's. She plays with her shirt or something else Sometimes just like I do but she doesnt realize that it isn't normal anymore. A part of me wants that too. I try to keep it all from DS and BH. DS internalizes his worries and BH gets upset and angry. I'm not sure he fully understands, but I'm afraid he might get tired of it all and leave and he would take DS with him because who would give a child to a parent who slices herself. I guess he really belongs with BH because BH is more stable than a parent who slices herself. But I don't want him with BH's family. They are alcoholic, abusive, and racist. They are too commercialized and petty. They don't take care of their family like they should and they are too narrow-minded. But BH isn't like that and he is very good with DS. Sometimes I say such stupid things. We had friends over today. Their son has cystic fibrosis and just had a liver transplant. We were talking about pregnancy and I said something about my cousin who is diabetic and she should take better care because people with diabetes don't have feet and things just rot off. Then just as they were leaving she said that W. now has diabetes -I guess that because of the transplant. I felt so awful aboth the stupid thing I said I always do that sort of thing. I just want to sleep for a long time and when I wake up it will all be so different I just want it to be gone.

Had a bad dream (As opposed to a nightmare) about being teased at school.) Not an uncommon event. I have wrtitten about it, but I haven't had time yet. Had one of those coincedences occur. Started reading The Great Gatsby today. Music at Farmer's Market included The Sting from the movie The Great Gatsby. I also want to try uploading pictures so I will include one of S.

It has been a very long time since I last wrote, but I have only had the courage tonight. On the Friday ater I last wrote, BH took me to the emergancy room. While noone was watching, I took half a bottle of Pamelor. I did not want to go back to Natchaug and I was tired of arguing with the other me in my head about the bad things that would happen to other people and the nightmares. (I am not schizophrenic, but I have psychotic episodes.) I spent about twelve hours at the emergency room, then was transferred to Natchaug about midnight on a 15 day certificate. I am now on two new meds, Abilify and Trileptal which I just started this week. For the most part they have worked. I have had no nightmares and I don't even remember my dreams. The arguing has also stopped. I did cut myself3 or 4 times but haven't in a week.
I wrecked the money again and am back to some confusion and stuttering. I am trying to be positive about the future and actually have not felt too bad in a couple of weeks. I am too tired now to write my journal from the hospital tonight, but will fill in later.

I keep thinking that spring is here and then it snows again. I actually saw the first robin of the season about 3 weeks ago, however, it has been so cold that the crocuses are just coming up. Who knows when the tulips will be blooming. BH has brought me flowers a couple of times which has been nice. I have stopped taking the nortryptiline. It has been a couple of weeks and I am having some adjustment problems, not being able to sleep, being a little cranky, but I think things are working out now. I had an EEG and CT scan yesterday. I was really tired because they make you get little sleep so the scans are easier to read with less stimulation. I slept most of the afternoon. I did actually sleep last night. Some of the frustration and tenseness went away with three very small cuts. Not too deep and not long. If I can stick to that every day or so I think it will be ok. I have also lost 7 pounds in about 10 days-must be water weight. I am still going to work out even though I am not sure how much good it does-the weight seems really dependent on the meds. I feel really awake today, not like the past week or so when I have been in a bit of a fog. Today should be good even with the impending snow.

Three things today.

First, I have been invited to be a part of the pastoral care team at church. I am very honored.

Second, I no longer take nortriptyline! Still a little scary, but I will take things day by day.

Third, just went into the living room to show BH something and Singin in the Rain was on TV for the first time in about a year. Interestingly, I received the backordered copy of Singing in the Rain.

DS will be thirteen next week and is a wonderful, empathic young man. Couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, this has been an interesting week so far. We've had snow and yuck with 60 mph winds. Yesterday, I found out that the S kitty is partially albino (on the right side)-cost me $45.00. I went to see Dr. S and I am discontinuing the nortriptyline starting tonight. I'm a bit scared because I don't want to become more depressed. I have done well over the last month on the lower amount and I feel better than I have in 6 or 7 years, so I will think positively.

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted. Things have been going well. I love working out and look forward to going every chance I get. Dr. S also cut the dosage of my nortriptyline in half to 25mg. I haven't noticed much difference, but I seem to sleep better. I am working on the whole eating thing-those sweets are my downfall, especially at night. We've had vacation this week and for the past four days I have had 3 boys instead of 1. They sure eat alot. DS seems to be getting interested in his appearance. Before I went to workout and he went to play basketball, he fixed his hair, carefully picked out clothes and coordinated everything. Only two weeks until he is a teen.

Wednesday night we had the youth group here for a movie and pizza (The Fellowship of the Ring.) Another one of those coincedences occured. We were talking about pets and at one point mentioned ferrets and how they were cool but smelled. Somewhere soon after, a ferret appeared on TV. Funny since I haven't seen one of these in months.

On Friday afternoon, after lunch, I was sitting at my desk and suddenly felt lightheaded. My head between my knees helped. Last night I had another one of those brain buzzes, then light tunnelling, and then lightheadedness with confusion. I am still supposed to see the eye doctor (can't spell the other), but I don't believe these are related to my eyesight. I also often have an aching neck and slight headache.

Well, everyone is doing much better. BH is home and back to work like nothing happened. DS is doing better in school. The weather has been ok, warmer than usual, but not warm enough to melt all the snow and more is supposed to come our way tomorrow night. This has been a better winter for gardens than last winter.

Yesterday, C. was checking a list of movies I was ordering for any with an R rating that slipped by when I created the order. She stopped to comment on The Dead Poet's Society and the rating that it had. I was commenting that I knew the teacher the movie was based on, Sam Pickering. As I was doing this I was looking through catalogs I picked up at ALA Midwinter and there, amazingly, was a new book written by Sam Pickering.

Ok here's one:

The server went down so I started reading a book and in the book there is a prominent bridge in the book called Lionsgate.
Now back to ordering movies and one company is Lionsgate.

It has been a long time since I have written. Lots of very good stuff has happened, though the past week has been busy with Peter ill. However, for the first time since I became ill, I really feel that my intellect and brain are back to what they were. Silly me, though, forgot for a couple of days that I would not be that way without the meds and I stopped taking them. I realized that I am who I am with them and without them and the grace of God would not be as well as I am. In any case, I have recently been noticing so many coincential things that I have decided to start recording them and see how they add up. It may be silly, but there have been so many that it has become a bit weird. Tonight is as good a night as any to begin recording.

I came home from the hospital BH, gallstones, internal bleeding, colonoscopy, you get the picture) and went to the National Geographic website to look for pictures for wallpaper. I just discovered their colletion last week, but hadn't mentioned them to anyone but Cathy. When Reverend N. called I was still at the computer and she told me about a book that sounded interesting and that it was published by National Geographic.

Last night's dream involved my mouth filling with some kind of straw, stony stuff that I would clean out and then it would come back. The thing is, I feel quite nauseous right now and may vomit from the memory. It is so disgusting.

Over the past couple of weeks one of my worst fears was to see J. for the first time. I didn't care if she was thin or gaunt or didn't have hair, but I was afraid that when I hugged her I would cry to see her there and I would get the usual cardboard hug that I usually get, which would break my heart. Dr. S. told me that it might be something she couldn't or wouldn't give and I had to accept that. But she did hug me back! It felt so good that she was there and looking a bit tired but ok. Thank you so much God-I need nothing else for Christmas.

Haven't written recently but I wanted to post this link. Check out the offers available. http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=12842024. The offers given are pretty good-I decided to try the Blockbuster one. Good luck.