Emptiness

So here's the thing: there's a box, about 20 inches x 20 inches x 20 inches and it's empty, completely empty. That's me. Having accomplished nothing, with nothing to look forward to. I feel lost!


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Weird things

Ok. So back in September I bought a book called White Crow. I didn't read it because of trying to get used to the new mess. Yesterday, at the doctor's office I took out my phone and chose that book to read. I came into work this morning and found a new review of that book. It is an "old" book to be reviewed now. Really weird.


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Things are a-changing!

I am really beginning to feel the changes from the medication switching. Taking the Geodon and the Lithium and losing the Minipress, the Ativan, and the Gabritril, and weaning off the Trileptal and the Seroquel have made a difference. I have not had night sweats in several weeks. And on Saturday I was actually to do some digging without sweating. NO SWEATING! It was amazing. Of course there are still some side effects to the new drugs. The Lithium gives me a metallic taste in my mouth and I constantly feel thirsty. But I am feeling better. Getting to be time to go to bed. Thanks.

Mixed emotions

I'm finally getting off the Seroquel through a four week process. I'm excited for this to happen so I can lose the weight. But I'm also anxious in general though I don't know why. I'm feeling like I need to be in the hospital. I hope the feeling goes away!


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It's a fact

So I got the news today that my boss does not like me. After asking if I could be part of a special program for bullying, she commented to another person that I wasn't around a lot and probably would not be good with the program. At least the two people she was talking to disagreed with her, saying that I could be good with the kids that are on the fringe. But now I have to make sure that I document things. She wants me out and I want out too! (Not that that will happen.)

Not such a great day at work, though the end was pleasant as a book order came in. The seniors were supposed to be in the library, they were leaving and what a mess. Got home tired and sore. My elbow is aching and I lifted a box with brown sugar in it and made it hurt really badly. If it were a couple of weeks again I could have gone and fallen asleep. But now that is not about to happen. I am reading one of the books because I am not sure it is appropriate for school. So far no problems but I'm just at the beginning. I actually considered cutting my right arm today. I have never done this and I do not want to start as it looks good. But the thought of somewhere to cut with no scars is very tempting. If I think I cannot help myself it will be time to go to the hospital-I will not ruin both my arms!

Had a GREAT Day. We went to the Holyoke Mall (I only bought a thing of make-up remover.) Then we drove home through Brimfield and Sturbridge along the path of June's tornado. It is one thing to see it on TV, but completely different to having seen something 5 months ago and to see how radically it changed. Huge swaths just scoured of all vegetation. It was amazing that only 4 people died considering that there was a huge pine tree whose top was twisted off only 10 feet from a house that had people in it. There were so many other houses that had similar cases. Now I find I am having trouble sitting still. BH is around doing stuff-putting things away, I don't know what else, but I do know I really want him to sit down. Back to work tomorrow.

Those feelings are coming back stronger. I did cut myself today-another six times. I really wanted to cut myself one more time, but was able, after much arguing with myself, to stop. Also thought about using the scissors on myself but also talked myself out of it. I don't understand where these feelings are coming from and I am concerned that I just want to because I have become used to it. That's not quite what I feel, but it is the best explanation I can offer. I am sitting outside again with the firepots snapping. The moon is not full tonight, but it is getting close and it is bright enough to see without a flashlight. The air has also turned colder tonight than it was last night. I imagine that in a couple of days the crickets will become silent. The chilly air also smells like fall. Hard to believe that only three weeks are left to Halloween.

2010 again

I am hoping it won't be but I have already been back to the hospital once. Even though I feel really good about things I can't stop thinking about cutting myself. I did on Thursday, but not yesterday. I feel really strongly about it again tonight. I have to make a long cut from my wrist to the inside of my elbow. But at the same time, I am unable to sleep much past 8 in the morning anymore and I not only cooked dinner every night this week, I even made an apple crisp, cleaned the whole living room from one end to the other and decorated for fall. How can things be good and bad at the same time? My dreams have been bad lately though no major nightmares. I have seen the white thing 3 times now. I see this thing and think it's BH until I realize he is elsewhere. It really scares me and I saw it once in the hospital, though I knew it couldn't be BH, I thought it was another person. I am sitting outside watching my firepots burn. It got up to over 80 today, but now has cooled off. The dew got the grass cold and wet which felt good to walk over in a cold and wet way. Glad I had bare feet. Moved indoors and the warmth feels good. No need for heat yet but that should start next week. I am hoping to make it without going to the hospital but also want to feel safe, which I do not feel right now. The boy is home visiting and is currently in front of the computer screen. I suspect he will be in front of one screen or another until tomorrow afternoon. I have some TLC to give my poor feet and face and arm. I managed to give myself tennis elbow from sawing all the trees we lost in the hurricane. My allergies are really bothering me. With no killing frost and a wet summer and fall, the stuff out there has left me with a perpetually almost runny nose. A headache and stuffy throat have also been around. I have decided that I could never drown myself. With the occasional asthma attack, not being able to breathe that way is too hard. I tried it but couldn't do it. Chocking might be easier. I discovered that the multiple bracelets I wear loop around my neck tightly and two can be hooked together even tighter. I didn't go to far because I didn't want to go past the point of no return and have BH find me.

My last attempt that sent me to the hospital was by taking an overdose again. I apparently did not take enough or they found me to soon. I had tried call several people, including a couple of priests, and I couldn't reach anyone. Apparently a former priest did get my message and called, but I had already taken the pills. They used the GPS in my cell phone to find. Everything went blank, I do remember a cop telling me he was there to help, then nothing until Wednesday.  There was no heat and no hot water for showers for 5 days. It was not fun but at least I was rooming with a woman who was about my age and was a teacher. We had a lot in common and I felt a little more comfortable  than other times.

Things at work are going better. I have to realize that the somewhat new principal isn't always the best people person. She micromanages things. I just have to go in, do my job the best I can. I am also, for the first time since before he was born, not obsessing as much about DS. He is home tonight but this is only the second time since he went to school that he has come home.

Good night

Three Dreams

A week or so ago I had a dream about stupid things people did and got in trouble with the law. Very similar to Cops, but occuring in W. No one did anything violent, just stupid. As we were driving around, I saw my Dad in the store window of B's on Main Street next to Dunkin Donuts. But he wasn't in trouble, he was just looking out the window smiling. Then we went to the vacuum cleaner place on the other side. Something was happening at Memorial Park, but I can't remember what. Then I was outside town and had to get back home through some swampy area and get back across the river. There were some snakes, but I don't think they were rattlers because I wasn't really afraid of them. I woke up before I got there.

Last night I had two dreams. One was about how we had purchased Uncle S and Auntie P's house. The night we moved in we went and looked all around the house and checked on the porch. In the dream Uncle S. had added on an enclosed front porch, but the boards were rotting. It didn't matter. He went around and showed us where all the light switches were. Then it was just us and the lights went out and someone evil was trying to get in and none of the light switches would work and it was terrifying to me.  I woke up from that and then fell asleep again and dreamt that there were people who were trying to take over people. I am not clear about this dream except that I was hiding from them so they wouldn't give me whatever it was that they were giving people to forget who they were.

Weird Dream-about someone taking care of me.

This happened one night last week. BH kept eating my sandwiches. I had a piece of pizza and a big pbj sandwich. He ate those and I said nasty things and then ran away.  There were others and I knew that was where they wanted me to go. I finally crawled under a water tower and collapsed with the beautiful flowes (blue). I just lay there and there was another woman there who I could talk to. I just kind of lay there all crooked. I felt like I was really there and some man was going to take care of me.

Quiet Day

It was my first day of Summer vacation-2 months of sleeping in. I must admit that I actually spent most of the day sleeping. DS didn't go to work because he boss wasn't there yesterday or today. So he spent most of the day alone today. We went to a concert which was nice, but when we got back the two of us just wanted to be left to ourselves. BH finally went to bed, but I feel bad that I didn't treat him well.

Father's Day

I feel really crappy because it was BH's first father's day without his father and I hardly even registered it. I also got nothing for my dad, not even a card. I did almost no housework. What is wrong with me?! I am no use to anyone except for my pay. Once this year is over, there will be no need for me to be around. What difference does any of it make. I have messed up this year enough and it will be a tough summer financially. Even killing myself won't make a difference because my life insurance won't pay enough. At least no one would have to worry about what they would come home to find. Except another day with a fat middle-aged woman. What am I going to do?