Back to the hosptital

I went back to the hospital on Friday, November 5th and got out last Wednesday, November 17. I have gone to the outpatient program on Thursday and Friday of last week, yesterday, today and will attend on Friday as well. I am set up for an interview on Monday with a intensive DBT program that runs 3 days a week for 8 weeks. The program, Dialectal Behavior Therapy is a cognitive therapy program set up especially for those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am not feeling very stable this time and am concerned about what will happen since I will run out of sick days in December. I am very concerned about my job, though I guess I shouldn't be, though the new principal will have little to base her opinion on about the program, when it has "run" without out me for so long. I am just feeling so tense about everything, and I don't know if it is because I am having trouble even keeping track of what day it is or what the date is and have lost all that grounded for so long.

I am also trying to work out a couple of relationship things. My mother did this thing to me when I went back into the hospital. I didn't give her written permission to get any information about me, so she only came to visit me once, the night I called her because of this. I have begun to see how some things with our family are warped. My mother has always kept a list of people with whom she exchanges cards, "exchanges" being the key word. She keeps track of who she gets cards from and if she does not receive a card for 3 years in a row she stops sending them one. This has been passed on to at least one sister. But I have changed my view and decided Christmas cards should be to let people know we are thinking about them and there should be no quota.

For quite a while my therapist has brought all sessions around to what is happening with Garrett and what I should or shouldn't do about it. Even when I have tried to bring new things up, this has continued. When I was in the hospital in October, I shared this with my Psych Dr. He has urged me to reconsidered this and whether or not I need to find another therapist. I met with her yesterday morning and while she actually discussed what was going on and why this has all happened, I did not feel good about our meeting. She did make me realize that I feel not only abandoned by our former priest, but also that she used me. We also discussed that I have done all sorts of stuff and that my feelings are no different than other peoples, but that I need new coping skills. I guess I'm a bit lost because I thought that is what we have been doing, but when I really consider it, she has just been telling me how I should feel about things. I almost feel like she has been checking out the last couple of years and getting ready for retirement. I don't really know what to do, but wait until next Monday when I see her. I feel like if I leave her, I am doing wrong by her and all she has been through with me.

I just feel completely overwhelmed by all of it and regular life. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I also have to add my journal to this blog, but it is still too fresh to do. Maybe in the new year.