Hard day

Today was a hard day at OP.  I actually had some people give me feedback, some of which made sense. One of the other woman did understand that when I am thinking of hurting myself I had to remember how this would really happen to DS and BH. Then I got blown away by one of the women who just had her parole or probation revoked because of a DUI charge that happened when she was already facing another charge. She will turn herself in tomorrow, and is worried that she will be sent to prison. She has a 4 1/2-year-old boy and is trying to get her life in order. When we had to do goals, it was hard for me to do because my goals were to make a good cooked meal for Peter, to start one conversation, and to distract myself when I think of cutting or suicide by thinking of what to do in my garden next year. It seemed so trite after the woman on probation, that I found it physically found it difficult to voice my goals. That was the end of the day for me. I went to find a coat (which was fruitless.) I have been arguing since then with myself about the situation. I have an actual disease, that regardless of my family and finances, which affects my health and safety. We have both made decisions that have gotten each of us to where we are. We may had a different background, but at some point we became adults with choices to make. On the other hand, was her background so bad that it was impossible for her to break away from? As I have no one to answer that question for me, I will probably continue to argue back and forth with myself until tomorrow. Of course I want the answer to come out on my side so that I feel better about myself and not so stupid about my situation.
I exercised again today. I did a few more minutes than I did yesterday. According to the program I have lost a half pound since yesterday. I don't know how accurate it is, but it is encouraging. If I keep losing and not putting back on, then I have achieved what I set out to do. At least I felt a little stronger today (still need to work on those push-ups) and it makes me think of how I am walking, sitting, and standing with better posture. I did find a new pair of shoes to replace my old ones that the stitching is coming apart on. This pair does have a heel but they are comfortable. Anyway, enough small talk, I need to get some knitting done.