My best friend and former boyfriend passed away from leukemia. At first I didn't feel much at all. Now I am just amazed to think that he is no longer here to be with his family and friends. I don't know why but I feel it is very important to go to his services. It will mean we lose another Saturday, but the basement will still be there. BH has agreed to go with me, which I am glad of because I will need support once we get there. I feel kind of lost in nothingness. Very stressed, angry, with absolutely no sense of self-worth. I tried making a list of things that would be good if I were gone and what would be good if I were here. It didn't turn out the way I planned it with the better things being if I was gone.
I guess I still need to work on this another time. I can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't seem possible that he isn't laughing or talking, or listening to music. What's really weird is that I thought of him a couple of days ago for the first time in a long time. I figured he probably wasn't married yet, I'm glad to know that he did have a long relationship with a woman and her girls so he did get the chance to be a Dad. It's really hard not to cry at his loss.
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