We had the party for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary which they enjoyed. It was a great party with alot of family and friends who we haven't seen in years. Was up really late on Saturday, and then couldn't sleep well on Sunday. Sleep was interesting. As I was falling asleep, I thought someone was trying to stab me. I could even feel the knife as it went through me. Then I had a fantastic dream about a man who knew what I wanted to do and took me on this trip around a building which had roller coaster dips and all sorts of other amazing stuff. It was nice to partially remember a dream that wasn't bad. Back to work.

I am terrible as a journal writer. I go one or two or ten days before writing. Things are going better with DS The Concerta has changed his demeanor, just as I knew it would. The only thing is he is kind of antsy at night. Last night he could not get to sleep until almost three in the morning, though he did have some chocolate cake. I am pleased to see the differences in him and that he is getting off so much medication. School starts a week from tomorrow-yippee! I have decided to have a new attitutude and try to just stick to my place more. Keep my mouth shut and out of the way. Since I have effected little change to the teaching staff in ten years it is unlikely that I ever will. I am tired so that's it for tonight.

After a terrible night last night, couldn't get to sleep, couldn't write, type or knit, today has been great. I have done all three of the above plus printed out and organized the new J2A manual. We worked more on the AC and trying to keep it quiet. We have succeeded for the moment but it will probably get louder. Oh well! Goodnight!!

Today began early (5), got up, ate, did a bit of work, then went back to bed. Bad dream two days ago with substance coming out of my mouth which tasted bad and I couldn't get rid of all of it. This morning (and I write this concerned about possible comments) I had a penis in my mouth and couldn't get it out. Even now, twelve hours later, it makes me cry. It was terrible. It has made my whole day go bad. I couldn't sit still, I can't write my thesis and to add to it, I have found two large spiders in the house. One of them is gone, the other I called my parents for. I feel so stupid about it, I should be able to handle a spider at my age, but I can't. Anyway, took some Ativan so I could get through the rest of the night. Being alone and considering my day, I am battling the blade.

One of the most consistent things that have been a part of my illness, is my inability to believe that it makes no difference to anyone if I am here or not. I know I should believe that, but I don't. I want to believe it but don't. I think maybe somewhere deep down, I believe it, but am afraid to feel it because it would be so overwhelming. Something for my next session with S.

As has become a yearly ritual, the boys went off to camp and I tore something apart, this time the hall. I have ripped down all the paneling and taken off half the wallpaper that was underneath it. Tomorrow I will finish the wallpaper and hopefully on Friday will be able to start painting. I doubt it will be finished for Saturday, but it's too late to turn back now.

I have begun making bookmarks to sell. I may try some bracelets next week or necklaces, but I need more time to experiment. Maybe I will sell something this week.

S. was hilarious this morning. I had put on Sesame Street (I like to keep up with these shows) and he started watching. At one time he was laying with his back to the TV and watching upside down. He then proceeded to attack Elmo. He's such a goofy cat!

Another coincedence:

One of BH's co-workers has a daughter with summer reading. One of the titles is Snow Angels by Orhan Pamuk, someone I have never heard of. On Saturday, we found the book and bought it for them. Tonight I finished reading Azar Nafisi's Reading Lolita in Tehran. At the very end she is discussing new authors she has found including Pamuk. Now of course I have to find a copy and read it myself.

This is probably the best statement I have ever read about reading novels:

“A novel is not an allegory, I said, as the period was about to come to an end. It is the sensual experience of another world. If you don’t enter that world, hold your breath with the characters and become involved in their destiny, you won’t be able to empathize, and empathy is at the heart of the novel. This is how you read a novel: you inhale the experience. So start breathing. I just want you to remember this. That is all; class dismissed.”
-- Azar Nafisi
Reading Lolita In Teheran

Not a nightmare last night, just a bad dream. I was at school (as a student) and had schoolwork to do but did not have the assignments. The school turned into something like a psych hospital. I was in some kind of cart lying down. The woman next to me had sex with a man-I ended up getting wet. I was really angry with her. I discovered that everyone else on the cart had gotten off. I wanted to climb some high mountain but could not (don't know why) Then my ambitious neighbor started weed wacking and there was no more sleep for anyone. I really think I need a vacation based on my recent dreams about the ocean or mountains, though I'm sure their is some Freudian meaning behind these dreams.

Last week I had an interesting and new nightmare. I was somewhere taking care of children and there were other adults around. One of the young (toddler) boys grabbed my breasts. No one would listen to me or do anything about it. I woke up very angry.

While I was at Natchaug.

Want to see something funny? Watch someone with two Master's degrees try to open crackers on the first day at a psych hospital.

Nigthmare:
selfishness
escape
flying
ripping down curtains ina dark room like memere's
feeling childlike
being treated childlike
some man trying to touch me but I wouldn't let him.

Nightmare:
someplace with people. One person is killer. Kills everyone-can't warn everyone. Don't know who killer is. had the heads but do know that at D's. Remember running away. Someone else's house.
It's like a little box that keeps me all inside and nothing from the outside get's in.

4/1/05
I can't stand it when W. washes near our snack food. When he told me I couldn't tell him because I wasn't a worker. He gets the floor and everything elsek. Yuck

I think I can finally write about what happened in March. I had been cutting my Nortryptiline down, then went off of it altogether. A couple of weeks after I had stopped taking it, I went into a nosedive. I called my psych doctor, but he misunderstood the message I left. On Monday afternoon, my doctor asked about how I was feeling and my reply was less than wonderful. I actually tried to sneak out of his office, but they stopped me. By the end of the week I was panicking because I was afraid they would send me to the hospital. I had planned on waiting until Saturday, but my minister called and was having BH take me to the emergency room. I packed a bottle of soda and all of the Nor... I had. They left me with my backpack and I took about 13 of the pills. Just before I went out, some little bit of me realized it was a mistake and told the nurse. I wasn't a good patient, I had to be restrained. In any case I only remember a little of it, but I know I had none of my family because I didn't want them to see what I went through. However N. stayed with me until they were ready to transfer me to Natchaug.
I don't know when the following was written, after my first hospalizaton, but before my second.

I don't want anyone to know because they get upset or piteous-I don't want either
Explaining to BH about cutting-he was angry and upset.
My lip is bleeding
Medication back and forth between Dr. S. and S.
I feel like I disappoinited him and I was weak and cowardly. There is a time every single day when it gets all balled up in my stomach and has to go somewhere. Most days I can get through but sometimes not. I can get through sometimes but not. Talking doesn't help because I don't understand what makes me feel that way. I just can't bleed enough to get the bad part out. It scares me sometimes after I feel bad. The other night I was cutting a grapefruit for BS and put the knife to my chest and pushed. Buth the clothes were too thick and the knife not sharp enough.
Sometimes I just stay there and don't think about anything and just need to rub something-my shirt, my face, a stone. I don't have to think about things then. I can't think of what it is that I ever did so bad that I need to get rid of it, but I know I feel like I have.
There are too many things going in my head. Knitting makes me concentrate on one. Taking extra Klonopin and/or Ativan calms my mind down gradually. It feels good when things arent' all racing around. There are too many conversations in my head. Sometimes I answer them myself sometimes I think someone else answers them. Ghosts-who take care of DS and I-then sent to a friend. What was that. I'm too tired to think anymore but I can't stop-I just want it to be quiet!
I want' to be alone because when people talk to me I have to concentrate on what they are saying and I can't because of what is in my head.
I missed R. this week. I know that Bin Laden is evil and will go to hell but should we pray for his followers who perhaps felt so lost that follow him because he gives them a sense of family. There isn't anyone to answer these questions and I'm too confused. At communion today I was relieved because A. gave communion and she looks in your eyes not your hands so she could'nt see my wrist. I don't want people to think that poor me, she's been mentally ill and can't handle things any more but it is the truth. I could always accomplish more than other people. But now I can't and I know it. I look at my aunt with Alzheimer's. She plays with her shirt or something else Sometimes just like I do but she doesnt realize that it isn't normal anymore. A part of me wants that too. I try to keep it all from DS and BH. DS internalizes his worries and BH gets upset and angry. I'm not sure he fully understands, but I'm afraid he might get tired of it all and leave and he would take DS with him because who would give a child to a parent who slices herself. I guess he really belongs with BH because BH is more stable than a parent who slices herself. But I don't want him with BH's family. They are alcoholic, abusive, and racist. They are too commercialized and petty. They don't take care of their family like they should and they are too narrow-minded. But BH isn't like that and he is very good with DS. Sometimes I say such stupid things. We had friends over today. Their son has cystic fibrosis and just had a liver transplant. We were talking about pregnancy and I said something about my cousin who is diabetic and she should take better care because people with diabetes don't have feet and things just rot off. Then just as they were leaving she said that W. now has diabetes -I guess that because of the transplant. I felt so awful aboth the stupid thing I said I always do that sort of thing. I just want to sleep for a long time and when I wake up it will all be so different I just want it to be gone.

Had a bad dream (As opposed to a nightmare) about being teased at school.) Not an uncommon event. I have wrtitten about it, but I haven't had time yet. Had one of those coincedences occur. Started reading The Great Gatsby today. Music at Farmer's Market included The Sting from the movie The Great Gatsby. I also want to try uploading pictures so I will include one of S.

It has been a very long time since I last wrote, but I have only had the courage tonight. On the Friday ater I last wrote, BH took me to the emergancy room. While noone was watching, I took half a bottle of Pamelor. I did not want to go back to Natchaug and I was tired of arguing with the other me in my head about the bad things that would happen to other people and the nightmares. (I am not schizophrenic, but I have psychotic episodes.) I spent about twelve hours at the emergency room, then was transferred to Natchaug about midnight on a 15 day certificate. I am now on two new meds, Abilify and Trileptal which I just started this week. For the most part they have worked. I have had no nightmares and I don't even remember my dreams. The arguing has also stopped. I did cut myself3 or 4 times but haven't in a week.
I wrecked the money again and am back to some confusion and stuttering. I am trying to be positive about the future and actually have not felt too bad in a couple of weeks. I am too tired now to write my journal from the hospital tonight, but will fill in later.