Another piece or two falls apart

Well, two more parts of my life fell apart tonight. My son, my beautiful brilliant son, has pretty much decided to drop out of college. He had a lot of trouble earlier this semester and apparently dropped three of his four courses. He kept the one he felt he could still pass. His plans are to get a full time job and to try to work with a brewery, an area his finds interesting. I realize he was so relieved to finally tell me, he was unloading his burden and I believe it is important that I not show my disappointment. I will eventually get used to it. I really do want him to be happy and hopefully he will be on his way.

Then my husband and I started discussing things. I walked into it, but basically it boiled down to these things:

He wants me to see naturopaths for my disorders.
He wants me to see a dietician for my diet and to help me lose weight
He finds me unattractive right now because I weight too much and would rather not touch me.
My mother wants me back the way I was 25 years ago
He thinks I am looking him up to see if he is having an affair, which couldn't farther from the truth.

I guess I really need to look at what is going on in my life and somehow get it all arranged.

Spoken Word

Things are calmer than they have been. Very little thoughts of cutting though perhaps if I had been more awake this morning. I am starting a new blog today so I can share some other thoughts about things I know longer know if I have been more detailed about. Dr. S encourages me yesterday to try to put some things aside when I they are big things, then when things are calmer, I can pick them up again. He also suggested that I might see S. more often to help guide me since I am often not sure if I am thinking about things like other people do or if it the BPD.


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Things going on

I exercised today and am feeling better now than I have all day. I got a really nice complement on my appearance.

Doing really poorly today. I am very drowsy, which can be good because I can't concentrate on other things as well. It's going to be a long day at work. Back to work.

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Location:Work

When I left the hospital last Tuesday I said I was finished with that part of life. I feel like I was seriously considering suicide. I don't feel like that now. I believe BH may have found a clue to the problem. Apparently there has been a link between Advair and depression. I am going to discuss this with the doctor tomorrow. If this is the case it would help a lot. Until then I will hold back on further comment.

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Location:Uconn

ER

Well by the time Dr. M called I had taken a total of 8mg of ativan. He made P take me to the ER. They said the cuts weren't too bad and they checked all my vitals. I said I would be ok if I went home. They wrapped my arm up. It felt all tight and warm and safe. Now they are just out there and calling to me. I kind of slept all day, but may take more ativan for bed time. Tomorrow we are going to try to finish the bedroom. The ball in my stomache is still there but it is smaller. I can't type for anyhting

Still no help

I have still not heard from dr.s s or m. Guess I have bluffed once to often though they don't feel like bluffs to me. I cut more if my front arm hit some good spots. I feel a little of the pressure is gone. I hoped I would get them cleaned up but there were no opportunities. More later-there is more pressure that I still need to deal with.

orb

There is a giant orb in my core that takes up all the space and threatens to grow and destroy me from the inside out. If I could take enough pills it would shrink and disappear. If I could cut or hurt myself strongly enough it would flake into pieces and disappear. Unless I do something it willsit there and kill me from the inside out. And worse than that it leads to real thoughts of suicide. Drowning, overdose, strangulation are what fills my mind and threatens to take over every other thought. I have called Dr. S. But he hasn't called back yet. PLEASE HELP ME

Still hurting

I am still hurting. We went to hear some Celtic music when we got home I couldn't get alone quickly enough. Relief was not long enough. I have been thinking of so many things that have me feeling very dark, deadly thoughts I need to call Dr. S. Once again, please help

Tranquility

They all look so calm. Things kids say roll off of them while they ricochet inside my brain bumping into other similar thoughts until they get my brain all twisted and uptight. Other times I just want help getting rid of them all. That's when the thoughts make me think of taking many extra meds. I want to sleep for a long time and only wake up to the peace. Some of these thoughts are the struggle over cutting, taking meds, or other ways to soothe my bumper car brain. Are there people who never feel this way? If so I envy them. How do they do that? My breathing is wrong, I can't keep my legs still and I feel like I need to cut (or bite or break something) to release the pain. It doesn't work for long but it is better than nothing.
Want to call somebody but I don't know who to call. PLEASE HELP!

Sick

I have been sick for the past couple of days with a cold. Now I just sound terrible but feel better physically. I have been looking for help all day, but finally gave in and cut. I am sure I will again. I tried several different things to keep from doing it. I tried distracting, praying, mindfulness, thinking about what it would do to my family. Nothing worked and by the time I got home I was considerig other more lethal things. I actually put a sock around my neck. I also counted all my Ativan, which I had 30 of this time rather than 19. When I was trying to get the razor apart to use it, I found a hack saw that was pretty sharp and then a carpet knife. I was able to resist the temptation of both of those, but now I am alone again. Several times I looked up several things on suicide and cutting, but found no relief-I just kept wanting to type HELP and have someone or something show up to take it all away.

I have tried all day to discover where this all came from. I got my hair highlighted yesterday. I love it, but I don't know about anyone else since there was little other commentary. Once before someone said I was a beautiful woman. I can see this a bit, I don't think I am a dog and I think I have great eyes and nice smile. But someone else said I was a beautiful woman yesterday. This makes me all confused because I am not sure how they mean that. It also makes me feel uptight because I feel like I am somehow letting them down.

I watch the images and news that floods about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and feel helpless to help them. I want to be able to go there and dig with my hands if need be I want to help find survivors, just something to make their lives easier at this horrific time. But at the same time I doubt I would be able to help them in my current state. I don't know if I will ever be able to provide this kind of help. I have been feeling kind of let down with my life. I wanted to be doing much more than I am and lately I have wanted to help other people get better, but since that eludes me, I don't think that will happen.

Suiger is seems to have expanded his life a bit longer. The steroids are holding off the effects of the lesions on his brain for now. I am enjoying time with him and indulging him  a bit. I let him outside tonight, we toured the house a couple of times and then I brought him in. He seemed really nervous by the time I brought him in. His tail was all bushed and he was hissing. A little overwhelming for him.

Saturday Night

We got the room ready for painting and then BH had a friend and his sons over to watch a movie. They had a good time. I spent so much time with them, that I had little time to think of other things. I have agreed to take over BH ipod and give mine to DS. It was my fault he lost his other, if he hadn't been coming to the hospital he wouldn't have lost it. I am hoping to be tired soon so I won't think about anything else. Good night.

How else out?

I have had trouble as the week has gone on. Thursday and Friday I battled the urge to cut or overdose both days. Yesterday I couldn't stand it any more and used my jack knife in my car at school-this could get me in such trouble. I did call Dr. S. and asked him to call me back. When he did I eventually told him how I have been feeling about him. It was very scary, but he asked me to talk to S. about it, because he felt it would help me. He also told me that I could still be his patient. I spent today with my sister shopping. I had to buy something of course, but I may return it. BH and DS went to Manchester together. I fought the urge to cut, but lost (or won) and cut just a couple of times. I feel very tired now and am ready to go to bed.  I hope that I can control this all and get over it quickly. I slept for a long time last night after I spoke to the doctor. Now I just want to hit the sack for one last time-we will be taking the bedroom apart in preparation for our new bedroom set coming in. Good night.