Quiet Night

We had huge storms tonight that cooled things off and dropped the humidity. Now I'm lying in bed enjoying the dark and the sounds of the fans and the frogs.
A little reminder of when I was younger. Since it was so hard to sleep I often listened to it for hours.


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Another bit of bad news

My best friend and former boyfriend passed away from leukemia. At first I didn't feel much at all. Now I am just amazed to think that he is no longer here to be with his family and friends. I don't know why but I feel it is very important to go to his services. It will mean we lose another Saturday, but the basement will still be there. BH has agreed to go with me, which I am glad of because I will need support once we get there. I feel kind of lost in nothingness. Very stressed, angry, with absolutely no sense of self-worth. I tried making a list of things that would be good if I were gone and what would be good if I were here. It didn't turn out the way I planned it with the better things being if I was gone.


I guess I still need to work on this another time. I can't believe he's gone.  It just doesn't seem possible that he isn't laughing or talking, or listening to music. What's really weird is that I thought of him a couple of days ago for the first time in a long time. I figured he probably wasn't married yet, I'm glad to know that he did have a long relationship with a woman and her girls so he did get the chance to be a Dad. It's really hard not to cry at his loss.

I hate them (males that is)

I am feeling very upset with males right now. I am angry with my husband for wanting that thin woman he married, with my son for playing mind games with me, even if he isn't doing it on purpose. I am mad with the doctor for taking so long to call me back and for not returning my feelings (even if I know that he doesn't feel that way toward me). I hate the man who started this whole thing-even though that was years ago and that may not have happened. I just want to cut them all out of my life so I don't have to think about them. (Not really, but I am very angry. I want to stop feeling all these bad things. I tried on clothes today and I am a fat, sweaty disgusting pig. I thought about cutting the belly fat out, but that would still leave the fat legs, behind, arms, etc. I really feeling like damaging something-the computer, books, myself. Something has to give or I will burst.

Serial Killer

Last nights nightmare was weird (of course aren't they all?) we had a huge house with six bedrooms and a couple of living rooms. BH had made sure that there was a hot tub in the furthest room. We also had our own bathrooms while others had to share dirty ones. We had a party. We also were keeping a prisoner locked up so he could live in a house. We let him loose and he tried to have sex with a drug addict.
The first floor was a shop window and there were 12 or 13 of us there. A man in his 20's came in with a weapon that was like a straight edge razor buy bigger. He then said he didn't care who he killed it was all about how many he killed. Then he attacked me and cut my face and sliced at my legs until I passed out. When I woke up he had chopped everyone to pieces. The police had cleaned it all up, but someone found a piece of finger. While I still had the house I lived there alone. It wax years later and the 2 of us who had survived were remembering back. Then I woke up. Weird but very vivid. I could feel the pain and fear. Also desire for DH.
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Change of Mind

I was busy most of the rest of the day looking up information for the presentation I will be making in the fall. And someone was sitting with me which kept me busy. The sky is looking very unusual with the sun setting making the sky look pink and everything is glowing. It's actually kind of eerie. In any case, I have almost gotten through another day without cutting. I have almost given up knitting wristlets because I keep losing track of where I am. This is very frustrating as my entire ability to knit has been reduced to knitting easy knit/perl combinations. I can't do anything else. Well, it's just one more thing I have to evaluate. Trying to think of things that I have not accomplished and most likely never will is hard. My aspirations are pretty much caught up in the economy and the safety of tenure. I realized today that little will change with my role. I have to really sit down and think this all through. I am scared to just face all of this, but I need to do that before I can move on. I also have to stop my fantasy life and face reality.

Having a really hard time about cutting. It started last night after I saw my PCP. I don't know if it was nerves about seeing him and the possibility of him seeing my scars or what. Seeing Camelot did not help. It is a great program, but it rinsed me of my childhood and the fantasies I had and then the character of Morgan cut herself. But urges have continued this morning. Making it even worse is the fact that I am wearing a 3/4 sleeve shirt and have covered my arm with an Ace bandage. But I am starting to feel the panic where I need to cut. I have to use my DBT skills. I'll check in later.


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Difficult nights

Every night this week I have thought about cutting. Last night I could not sleep at all. I kept waking up for no apparent reason. Slept on the bed, the chair, the couch with little success. I have an appointment with the patch dr. Maybe he can shed some light.


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Seeing and hearing things not there

It's been an exciting week. Haha. Monday I was eating some chocolate that wasn't Hersheys. Suddenly I was in Memere Whitmore's kitchen and then I started sobbing hysterically. I couldn't even finish eating the chocolate for several minutes. Really weird. Last night DH and I argued and then he went to bed. I saw him go into the dining room. He seemed darker and shorter than he was but who else could it be? But then he didn't come back out and I realized it wasn't him that I saw go by. Once in bed, I could hear a man talking in the living room. Except instead of just letting it go by, I was terrified, so much so that I almost woke DH up to turn the lights on. I was eventually able to get up without waking him up (he hurt his back and I wanted to let sleep.) Tonight I had the urge to cut that was almost too hard to ignore. This seemed to be triggered by watching a show about the beginning of monotheism and the background of the worship of the one God. I think I am going crazy, really crazy, something I have feared would happen. That my condition would deteriorate to incapacity. Please let that not be the case.

Another piece or two falls apart

Well, two more parts of my life fell apart tonight. My son, my beautiful brilliant son, has pretty much decided to drop out of college. He had a lot of trouble earlier this semester and apparently dropped three of his four courses. He kept the one he felt he could still pass. His plans are to get a full time job and to try to work with a brewery, an area his finds interesting. I realize he was so relieved to finally tell me, he was unloading his burden and I believe it is important that I not show my disappointment. I will eventually get used to it. I really do want him to be happy and hopefully he will be on his way.

Then my husband and I started discussing things. I walked into it, but basically it boiled down to these things:

He wants me to see naturopaths for my disorders.
He wants me to see a dietician for my diet and to help me lose weight
He finds me unattractive right now because I weight too much and would rather not touch me.
My mother wants me back the way I was 25 years ago
He thinks I am looking him up to see if he is having an affair, which couldn't farther from the truth.

I guess I really need to look at what is going on in my life and somehow get it all arranged.

Spoken Word

Things are calmer than they have been. Very little thoughts of cutting though perhaps if I had been more awake this morning. I am starting a new blog today so I can share some other thoughts about things I know longer know if I have been more detailed about. Dr. S encourages me yesterday to try to put some things aside when I they are big things, then when things are calmer, I can pick them up again. He also suggested that I might see S. more often to help guide me since I am often not sure if I am thinking about things like other people do or if it the BPD.


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Things going on

I exercised today and am feeling better now than I have all day. I got a really nice complement on my appearance.

Doing really poorly today. I am very drowsy, which can be good because I can't concentrate on other things as well. It's going to be a long day at work. Back to work.

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Location:Work

When I left the hospital last Tuesday I said I was finished with that part of life. I feel like I was seriously considering suicide. I don't feel like that now. I believe BH may have found a clue to the problem. Apparently there has been a link between Advair and depression. I am going to discuss this with the doctor tomorrow. If this is the case it would help a lot. Until then I will hold back on further comment.

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Location:Uconn