I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry and because of all those things I'm confused. I stayed home from work today, but had to go to a useless meeting and then class. Since yesterday our cable, Internet and phone have all been shut off because of non-payment, not that we couldn't pay, just that we didn't. I never gave BH bills for online payments, he didn't notice there were no bills and now we have a mess. Additionally, I got a ticket on campus, which I knew I was going to get and should have avoided. At least BH now sees how mixed up our financial situation is and that we need to get it all straightened out.

Yesterday was an a stressful day as well. We had a 504 meeting for DS. I was actually encouraged after the meeting. I may have overreacted to events of the last week, but now I have met with all his teachers and we have a better feeling for how things have gone so far this year. I also had another "out of body" episode. It is hard to explain this and I'm am a bit concerned because I believe they may be seizures. They only last a few seconds, I generally still hear and see what is going on, but my field of vision narrows and then I seem to jump ahead in time and things look different. I saw my MD about this, he decided it was not something to be concerned about, except that they may be optical migraines and if there is no pain associated with this, I don't need to worry. However, when my mother explained to me what a petit mal was like, it was almost identical to what I feel. This one occured immediately after the meeting ended.

I am too tired to even think about anything. The course I am taking is useless and we probably could have saved a couple hundred dollars of me taking it. I really have learned nothing new.

I had a meeting with my advisor and will know by the end of October if I am in the PhD program.

That's it.

S. has asked me to keep a journal so we can talk about things that bother me between sessions. She also asked me to try to jot down what I remember in dreams. There have been so many bad ones, I have trouble keeping track of them. I also sometimes can't remember if something was a dream or actually happened. A bit scary.

In last night's dream we were trapped by people who wanted information on the "mob." Not really like Al Capone, but an underworld group. We escaped and there was a pregnant woman with us, but she was with BH (Maybe a bit of guilt that it is unlikely that BH will experience me in that condition.)

I have also been having a really hard time lately. I love BH but I miss the physical contact with him. He never lets me sleep touching him anymore, I'm lucky if I get a kiss and any kind of PDA is absent.
I also feel prettty crappy about myself. I don't have a complete wardrobe for now, I haven't been able to get up early enough to shower and dry my hair. I have no contact lenses, no rings and have rolls of fat on my stomach. Just about the time I think I am ok with that, I look in the mirror. I also believe that I smell. It has always been one of my hangups and though I have had BH tell me I needed a shower a couple of times since we've been married, I can't help feeling that way. I have also gone back to the two chocolate bars and chocolate milk everyday. I need to control myself with that and eat real food. I bit my arm today, though not hard enough to leave marks, I have never been able to do that. I did scratch my arm a bit with my fingernails, but again, not enough to leave major marks. I try to use any excuse to put it off. Examples: it's still too warm for long sleeves, I won't be able to work with the youth if I hurt myself, DS and BH are around and might catch me, my mom will know, the PT will know and ask, but none of them seem to be enough reason. Like S. said it is a kind of addiction, because I know if I cut myself I will feel a release and feel calmer for a while. It's just that I have to get the bad part out-the part that is attracted to this other man and the part that looks like a middle-aged woman. I just need to make it through tonight and then I hopefully will have the strength to make it through tomorrow.

Well, we made it through the first week of school. We all seem to be off to a good start. The holiday weekend was interesting. On Saturday, as I was showering, it suddenly hit me how J must feel. She must often feel the same way I do, nervous, not confident, not sure where to go or what to do next and wanting to make sure everyhting works out for the best. I guess I have thought that she always had everything going for her, but somehow I realized that the last couple of months have been a disaster for her, because with the breast cancer there is little under her control. She finished chemo last week and now will start radiation. Her doctor is confident that everything is under control and she will recover well. They have even found that it was a hormonal fluctuation that caused the cancer. We also believe that Lyme Disease she contracted while up here last summer made things move faster.

I have also been getting up early most mornings and riding the stationary bike for 10-20 minutes. It's a start. My great experiment with tapering off medication came to a disasterous close. After being on half doses for 5 weeks, I really lost my temper on three separate occasions. Brought back bad memories of verbal abuse inflicted on those around me. After a week back on I do actually feel better overall. My mother said that there are lots of people who must be on medicatio for the rest of their lives icluding those with diabetes or epilepsy. I was just kind of disappointed that all the anger management and calming exercises did not work well enough to keep me out of trouble. Oh well. I have also been eating very little junk food and eating three regular meals a day. I don't know what difference it wil make but at least I should be healthier.

Time for bed!

It is the late sixties. A young Black girl in the South. She is about 5 or 6 and is wearing a blue flowered dress and black patent leather shoes with a strap across the top and white socks. The man she is with can't be seen clearly but he is White and in his mid to late 20's and he drives a light blue late 60's pickup truck. They are in a set of fields with trees at the end behind the truck. The truck is on a dirt path with a bank to the driver's side with hay on it and another field above. They are at the front of the truck. The man kills the girl, and may have raped her.

If anyone who might read this and recognize this story I would appreciate a response. Thanks.

"Then she was all dark hair, hands in fists, Nia's nose and mouth. She came to me so slow, it was just like somebody brushed the air witha feather." the first part last by Angela Johnson.

I just finished reading the book "the first part last." It is an absolutely incredible story. The book is a fairly quick read but definitely not light reading. Angela Johnson's book, which won the Michael Prinz Award for Excellence in Young Adult Literature, is the moving story of a teenage dad. The story alternates between then, when Bobby's girlfriend Nia was pregnant and now, after the baby is born. The book leaves the reader with the mixed feelings of sadness and joy as Bobby makes the decisions that he believes will benefit his daughter, Feather, the most. I recommend this thought provoking book for more mature 14 and 15 year-olds and older.

The dining room is finally finished and it looks great! I don't plan on doing any more remodeling myself until at least December. I had the Youth group over tonight to bake cookies and have pizza. They are really a great group of kids and their parents are nice too. I really need to allow myself to get to know someone before I judge them. One of the parents I thought was not very nice, but she is great! She is very supportive of her kids and very generous, in many different ways) to others. During the afternoon it was all girls and they talked about school and teachers and I feel like they are very open about things and it is like I am one of them. This is what I really wanted, something I have missed out on for many years, since, as the librarian, I don't see any students long enough to get to know them. The ideas that they have, how they feel, they're just great kids.


Just as a little disclaimer, anything that resembles poetry here is usually written when I am still mostly asleep and therefore, may seem pretty out there, but makes sense at 2 AM. I have gone 6 weeks on half of the Paxil dose and am doing ok. Some of the coping habits I have learned I am using. As a matter of fact, I think I need to brush up on them, in particular mindfulness and calming habits. I am having difficulty with one thing which might sound amusing, but after four days is not! Somewhere on the Web I read something about Trannies. Judging from the context I believe this refers to transexuals. But I now cannot get the term Trannie Annie out of my head. It just keeps rolling over and over again. I need something else, perhaps the song It's a Small World. Oh well-it was a busy day, but my house is cleaned, the lawn is mown and I am really beat.

Dreamless morning

try to catch the tails of the dreams but they slip from my grasp
dry hair, dry clothes, calm breathing
thankful for a dreamless morning
the dreams, which did occur, are already forgotten, never to haunt my waking hours
a blanket of crickets chirping intertwined with the chameleon call of a mockingbird.

And the dining room continues... What should have been a very easy room to redecorate has turned into a major project. We are now on day 5 of preparing trim. The previous owners made some of their own renovations, which have meant that my father and I have had to improvise to get everything to fit right and look good. I am hoping to be finished by the weekend. There have also been endless appointments-physical therapy for my shoulder, my psymd, therapist, hair, dentist, DS's orthodontist, psymd, therapist, dentist, the vet for one cat, Wednesday night at the movies, phone calls trying to get my grade from the course I finished on May 30, it seems endless. Along with that has been the addition of one to two or three extra boys here everyday. I'm glad DS is making friends but it makes it difficult to finish anything!
I am so tired, I just want to sleep and not dream-they are much too troublesome and I am constantly bothered by the memories of them. I am having trouble telling between dream life and real life.
Just got my hair chopped off. After having been so slim all my life I never had long hair-so went the meds added 50 lbs, I figured what the heck. It was almost halfway down my back, but I couldn't comb it wet anymore and often had to cut knots out. Now chin length it looks great and feels great. I am starting to dress better and make my appearance better-I really need to take care of myself physically to feel better mentally.
Well, I'm starving and need to paint (more....).

I don't know what's going on. I have been very confused the past few days, unable to find the right words to use, substituting other unrelated words and not even always realizing it. I can't really concentrate on one thing, never mind more than one. I have also had a couple bouts of uncontrollable shaking, both at night and just now. I never know who to call-my md or my psychmd. Now there are only 3 weeks left to summer and I feel like I haven't relaxed at all. The money will be very tight until the first week in September and I feel like I have not handled the money well this summer. I am caught up on most of my work for school and church, but I haven't even finished reading a single book or gone to the beach!

Well, last night was pretty wild. I had been doing very well, even cutting the Paxil dose in half. I got through the funeral alright and Sunday went well. But last night was a hell night. Nightmares all night-terrible horrifying ones, not I went to work with no clothes on, but nightmares involving maiming, killing, sick to my stomach ones. I can't remember them this time, which I haven't decided is good or bad, but thinking about them now turns my stomach. These were mixed in with what my psychmd calls "waking dreams." Others might call them hallucinations. I have had these for years even before I was diagnosed. Some are pleasant-beautiful flowers growing from the walls, some are horrible-individuals intent on harming me, my husband, or my son. Last nights were of the latter. I only remember one, it was a glowing, writhing, colorful knot at the end of the bed which I could not get by without getting hurt. I have a very good husband who helps me wake up and calm down. I don't usually tell others about these, because they might think I was really off my rocker. When I finally woke up this morning I was sick to my stomach with a headache and fever, I'm hoping it was all a result of the fever.

I recently discovered a website where sterling silver ribbon pins can be purchased. Wearing these help raise awareness of mental illnesses and how common they are. (1 out of every 5 Americans will be treated for a mental disorder this year-which means you probably know 1 or 2.) The website is Narsad Artworks.

Val,

You were truly a good person. Your fellow teachers respected and liked you. You had a connection with your students that is not often seen. I am glad that your pain and suffering are gone, but without you there is one fewer light shining. I pray that God may allow you to support and guide your children as they grow. We were honored to know you and work with and I can only hope that somewhere in my soul a small part of you remains to give the strength and dignity you had. Thank you.

Nights are always the difficult time. After having spent so many years as an insomniac and with the horrible nightmares when I did sleep, I am afraid to not fall asleep. I tried an experiment for the last three weeks by cutting the amount of Klonopin from 1mg to 1/2 mg, then to none. After three weeks not sleeping and having nightmares I gave up. When I went to see Dr. S. we decided we would cut the Paxil in half to 10 mg. So far no anxiety or panic attacks and I am still able to lay still (since I never actually sat still until 4 years ago, this is an important thing for me. But even though my body is quiet, my mind is racing. After seeing how it felt to not be thinking and speaking at 78 RPM, it is hard to go back there. I am tempted to take extra Klonopin to help me sleep.

I cannot decide whether I want to see behind the door of my dreams (nightmares.) The door to the room which makes me wake up screaming in a cold sweat or wakes me with the idea there is someone in our bedroom. I think sometimes I would be better if I knew what was behind there, but then I wonder because the thought of the room is so terrifying. Even during the day thoughts of it make my stomach turn and my heartbeat faster. Lately my dreams have been about being captured by other people and/or other creatures that look like humans. I try to escape and wake up in a cold sweat. All I want to do is go to sleep and not remember any of what I dreamt, good or bad.

The house, the room, the door
Always on the second floor, often in the attic
Once in the house I know it's there
Trying to avoid it, my path always leads to it.
What is behind the door?
Some memory of unspeakable things done to me?
The knowledge of witnessing a terrible event?
An incident that only a small child would find terrifying, that the child within me still fears?
The house, the room, the door,
Always on the second floor.

I just got back from watching I, Robot. It was fantastic! The special effects were great, the actors fit the roles well and the storyline itself was great. It brought up a lot of issues for discussion-racism, what makes an individual an individual, do emotions equate to life, what does make humans human? The kids thought it was great too. I would definitely this movie to anyone.