Nights are always the difficult time. After having spent so many years as an insomniac and with the horrible nightmares when I did sleep, I am afraid to not fall asleep. I tried an experiment for the last three weeks by cutting the amount of Klonopin from 1mg to 1/2 mg, then to none. After three weeks not sleeping and having nightmares I gave up. When I went to see Dr. S. we decided we would cut the Paxil in half to 10 mg. So far no anxiety or panic attacks and I am still able to lay still (since I never actually sat still until 4 years ago, this is an important thing for me. But even though my body is quiet, my mind is racing. After seeing how it felt to not be thinking and speaking at 78 RPM, it is hard to go back there. I am tempted to take extra Klonopin to help me sleep.

I cannot decide whether I want to see behind the door of my dreams (nightmares.) The door to the room which makes me wake up screaming in a cold sweat or wakes me with the idea there is someone in our bedroom. I think sometimes I would be better if I knew what was behind there, but then I wonder because the thought of the room is so terrifying. Even during the day thoughts of it make my stomach turn and my heartbeat faster. Lately my dreams have been about being captured by other people and/or other creatures that look like humans. I try to escape and wake up in a cold sweat. All I want to do is go to sleep and not remember any of what I dreamt, good or bad.

The house, the room, the door
Always on the second floor, often in the attic
Once in the house I know it's there
Trying to avoid it, my path always leads to it.
What is behind the door?
Some memory of unspeakable things done to me?
The knowledge of witnessing a terrible event?
An incident that only a small child would find terrifying, that the child within me still fears?
The house, the room, the door,
Always on the second floor.