Today was a bad/good day. When I got home from a Dr.'s appointment, I talked to my neighbor and the mastectomy has taken care of the tumor and she will most likely not have to have chemo. I was really glad to hear how much more upbeat she sounded today, she even laughed. Also talked to Mom about Christmas.

However, the rest of the day wasn't so great. Apparently I did things in my sleep last night. The sink full of dishes that I was supposed to clean this morning (which I forgot to do) did get done. Since BH didn't do it and DS never would, I must have done it and not remembered. Mystery solved and I feel really guilty cause DS did do it for me last night. Sorry! I did almost nothing at work again today. Since people are using computer labs because books aren't necessary anymore, I have had very little to do over the past couple of weeks. My application to the PhD program was rejected a couple of weeks ago and I have felt so humiliated that I haven't told my sisters. Then to top everything off I have a polyp or tumor in my uterus and will be undergoing a simple D & C, but I also have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Neither is really any problem for me, but both cause infertility. So as I sat in the office waiting to go to the Pre-surgery exam I got to sit across from all those ripe young women with bulging stomaches and full breasts. I sat opposite them with all those of us who are too old or can't have children and felt like a dried up old shell. Since this afternoon pretty much ended any of the what ifs and plans I had for the future, I feel a bit lost and need to find my way again. Where that way will go I have no idea.

Happy Thanksgiving! In these times we really can be thankful for being born in the U. S. Even if we aren't a perfect country, we are privileged to live in a country with the freedoms and opportunities.

I just remembered a dream from sometime this week. I went into someplace dark and in there, maybe on a bed was a woolly bear caterpillar that had been cut into pieces but it was still alive and I had to get rid of it. This is important to me because I have always explored outdoors and animals. When I was little I used to collect woolly bears and and talk to them and let them climb on me and then I would let them go. I wasn't afraid in the dream, I just remember being upset that it had been injured.

Woah-something just buzzed in the top part of my head and now I feel really dizzy. It was in the top right front quadrant and felt like someone had put a buzzer there. Now I also am feeling nauseous, but that could be too much Thanksgiving. My hearing is also clearer, kind of like after those boxed in moments.

Here's a story for you. BH has been sick since last week with his gall bladder. All those years of fatty foods have caught up with him. Thursday, I had to drive him for an ultrasound. Thursday and Friday he was really sick. Friday night and Saturday morning were the worst. And since he couldn't sleep, neither could I. So finally on Saturday night he had started to feel better. We had all had a couple cups of herbal tea and at 8:30 at night, when DS asked if he could have another, I said he had had enough to drink. In retrospect this was a good idea.
I have never slept really soundly and I have always been tuned into DS at night. BH is still amazed that when DS was three, I heard him call my name, grabbed a garbage pail and got to him in time so that ALL the vomit made it into the garbage. Anyway, BH was still a bit restless and I had the caffeine jitters from the large amount of chocolate covered popcorn I had eaten. About 12:30 I heard DS get up, turn on a light and I assumed he was using the bathroom. However, in a couple of seconds I realized it didn't quite sound right. When I got to his door he had mostly finished. He had turned on his closet light and had just finished urinating on the floor. He went right back to bed and didn't wake up or remember anything about the forty-five minutes it took me took wipe all the urine up, clean and polish the hardwood floors so that the cats didn't think it was a new and improved litter box. Oh well, it comes with the territory, and gives me ammunition for when he gets married and I can pass it along to his spouse.

Last night we all actually slept relatively well. No nightmares, no cold sweats, no screaming. I feel better and so does BH since he has started his new diet.

At least there is almost always one good thing among many bad. On Wednesday, I stopped to visit my Aunt. She was more aware than I have seen her. While I was there she said Annika a couple of times, though I don't know who she is referring to. But at one point she looked around the room, looked at me and asked "how did I get here?" After my initial shock, I explained about her house. Then she said her mouth hurt and showed me where it hurt. She repeated this several times. I have not heard anything lucid she has said for two years. It was kind of exciting, but also sad because it reminded me of how she was before the alzheimer's.

Now lets see. DS is failing literature, he has refused to take an exam for the class and has brought his notes home when he shouldn't have. He has also missed wrestling for two weeks. Yesterday, I got the results from the ultrasound. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and a tumor on my uterus. In December I will have a D&C. By the time I got home I was exhausted and really upset. While the diagnosis wasn't nearly what it could have been, both conditions increase infertility and though I'm now 40, I haven't given up on pregnancy altogether.

And to round out my night BH did the bills and informed me that several were overdue (even though we had the money to pay.) DS continued his noncooperation until I finally blew my stack and began to strip him myself. NOt an easy task since he is now my height. By hte time I got to start taking his pants off he was cooperating. And BH would not leave me alone in spite of my requests that I didn't feel well.

Part of "illness" is due to terrifying nightmares. Two nights ago I woke up screaming though I cannot recall the nightmare. Last night I had two sets of nightmares. The first was about these people or things/monsters were trying to catch me. I finally locked myself into my grandmother's house, but they were almost able to get in. I woke up screaming again. Then, a woman did something to wreak havoc everywhere. Lots of people were killed, there was blood everywhere, I was with the survivors and when we caught up with her, she was going to be let go even though she had done really murderous things. That was when I woke up in another cold sweat.

Maybe things will get better over the weekend.

Well today was one of those really great days. I have been having trouble the past couple of weeks and have had very strong urges to cut. Then I have had trouble sleeping. So I took some extra clonazepam two nights ago and yesterday I took some extra seroquel. At about 8:30 this morning I went to the office to write a referral for a truly rude and disrespectful student and I just kind of crumpled to the floor. I could not stand up and I pretty much went into a very extended dissociative episode which lasted until about 5 (after a two hour nap.) I don't remember much, which is good because it cuts down on the humiliation factor. The nurses helped me walk to their office and then I lay down for a while. I eventually went back to work, though I have no clue what I did. Now, I just feel really rung out. I really hate myself-I should be better, there are so many people out there with real problems. Forget it.

I have finished physical therapy which is good because my shoulders are in great shape and there will be no more afternoon appointments. However, it also means I won't get to see the PT anymore. As I described earlier he was really hot. Dark looks with a nice face and beautiful eyes. Slim, but not too much with a great ass and wonderful warm strong hands. (I got the opportunity to spend some time checking him out today.) I know it is just the obsessive BPD thinking, but he has conveniently forgotten to let go of my hands several times when he finished working and the hug I got as a goodbye today was also nice.
I behaved myself for the whole time, but now the things I am thinking and feeling. Oooh. Maybe tonight there won't be any nightmares. I just feel so guilty because I haven't felt this way towards BH in a long time. Wow. That's it.

Well, the ultrasound is done. There was something there, I could see it on the screen and the fact the the radiologist measured and viewed it from every angle added to my thoughts. She also was very concerned about when my follow up appointmnet was. So now I just wait to see what happens. I am so tired now. I barely slept last night and am falling asleep as I'm typing.

Also another tunnel incident. I had had toast and coffee so I wasn't hungry, but after watching a video, I had trouble refocusing on the classroom where I was physically located. No tunneling effect though. It was about 5 pm.

Another night, another bad dream. This one was a bit different. BH was divorcing me, though I can't remember why. It bothers me because I think of what I have put him through and know that in some ways he would be better off if I weren't around.

I find myself kind of shaky lately. I am also losing weight again. I know the weight loss is in adding the Strattera (kind of like Alice, this pill makes you smaller, this one makes you taller). I am not sure about the shaky part. It might be because of the crazy eating schedule I have, or it could be nerves about work, or school, or J coming up for Christmas. But it probably is the Strattera and I don't believe the benefits outweigh the side effects, but I will give it one more month. Dr. P suggested Ritalin, but I am not sure I would like the ups and downs of it. Since it is a stimulant it works really well for a certain number of hours after taking it, but then that wears off and the hyperactivity comes back. It was great for DS in elementary school, because it let him be in control in school and then at home it didn't matter. Now he needs something that is more consistent and the Ritalin made him lose too much weight when he had to take a larger dose.

Ok, so I ate breakfast, wasn’t tired, and had fluids. After carrying a couple of boxes upstairs the tunnel happened with blocked, fuzzy hearing and then the sound of rushing water to almost a high pitched whine. So what’s up with that?

Well, last night made up for the past couple of weeks. I can't remember most of my dreams for the night, but they were on the nightmare side. Then early this morning I woke up screaming. I was in a building somewhere and a man put his head inside the door. At first it was someone I knew, then it was someone absolutely terrifying, but I don't know who. It still makes my stomach cramp and makes me cry it was so scary. I just wish I knew who it was. I woke up DS with the screaming and he asked me what happened and then told me that talking to him would help. He is such an empathetic, caring kid, he is truly a blessing.

I haven't dreamt as much over the past couple of weeks and I haven't woken terrorized by a nightmare. However, last night's dreams were disturbing. It was night in Willimantic and my mother told me I had to go bail Steven out. It wasn't really safe on the way over, but I made it there ok. After I paid his bail, and before he and his girlfriend left he told me he wanted the photographs and another item that had been left in his house. Mom showed me where his house had been and now it was a grassy area near the water.

I had to walk home late at night in Willimantic and a woman had been killed. Mom and T. and I went to the beach. As I went out to the water, I found two women's bodies. One was decapitated, but the other was just dead. After calling the police there was only one body, the decapitated one and she was all twisted and bloody. I can't remember her face but it was all cut up. I kept telling the police that the killer was in a certain town, but they wouldn't believe me.

Last night I dreamt that we were camping in cabins/houses, it must have been in Russia. One of the boys in the youth group tried to help some other kids defect. The Russian kids were caught but he ran away. I got everyone to go looking for him and yelling to him, but he wouldn't come out. I was afraid something had happened to him. I had to call his parents, but I couldn't get my phone to work. It wasn't really a nightmare, more of a bad dream. I just couldn't get him to come back or find him.

Then I got up and couldn't find the door. I kept trying to go through the window, it was very confusing. The colors were wrong and I then I couldn't focus on anything. Sometimes when I convince myself I am not crazy, I go do something like that. I know that there are people out there who really need help and have nothing, but sometimes I just want it to all go away. I want to be normal without medication, but I don't want to go back to who I was. I'm gaining weight again now that summer is over and I had two bowls of cereal, a serving of mandarin oranges, a soda, a Lean Cuisine thing and two cany bars and now it's only 8:30 and I'm starving, with my stomach growling and everything.

I don't remember class too well tonight. It was busy at school with lots of classes and I was alone because C. was out sick again. Then I had to come home, check on DS then go back to campus. Rambling, like usual. Too much to deal with.