Psych, Part IV
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Today was ok. I did lots of little tings and spent time with DS. I have forgotten most of it because I didn't write on Sunday.

Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Coming back to work yesterday was alright. People were very kind and several offered help if I needed it. I didn't get much done, bit I did go through my mail and work on some new equipment. When I got home we took DS to go rollerbladng but he was too crabby and it got cold.
1. I took a long hot bath and just relaxed.
2. I found myself very irritated with DS and started to yell. I took a step back, caught my breath and calmed down (but I was still angry with him.)
3. I like the color of my skin.

Tuesday, March 21, 2000
This has been a difficult morning. I left without my calend and keys. I really wish I had taken Amien with me. I am feeling very frustrated, very agitated and very angry right now. I can't do things at home because I'm too tired and I have only been able to read for my course one day, If I wasn't useless before, I certainly am now!

I began to feel better after seeing Dr. P. I guess I was very anxious about seeing him. After I get a blood test done, I will be changing medications which will hopefully get rid of some of the side effects. I spent some time at the mall for a bit, then went home.
1. I spent about 10 minutes at the pet store petting and talking to Zach the Macaw.
2. Nothing to get angry about over today but the anxiety and thoughts of cutting myself were overwhelming.
3. I get along with most other people.

Wednesday, March 22 and Thursday March 23, 2000
Wednesday was a pretty poor day. Today was not much better. There were times each day I thought how terrible it would be for DS and BH if I slit my wrists. but I am still very frustrated by my inability to work the way I used to. My thinking and memory are not as sharp as they were and I know it! I forget things, I have trouble concentrating when people speak to me and I often have to ask them to repeat what they said. At work I am only able to get done what needs to be done for the day and can do little over and above the basics. Dr. P. said I need to have patience in all of this since I didn't become sick over night, I also can't get better overnight. He also said I need to distract myself when I feel like cutting myself. But I have found this hard. I have had a strong urge since yesterday to cut myself and have it off, though I did scrape a little. The elastic band is just not the same.

One of the bad things about all of this is my inability to "feel" much of anything. Yesterday I found out that a who has been best friends with my mom and our family since they were in high school has a bone cancer. I should have been very upset, yet I felt nothing. I don't know if this the medication or the depression.
1. I sleep alot at home.
2. I was able to handle a situation with three students. When I started to get upset I took a breath and spoke firmly but calmly to them. Their teacher ended up the one who blew a gasket.
3. I like the way I feel when I hug DS or BH they make me feel content and safe.

Friday, March 24, 2000
I felt really good today. I was more alert than I have been. I was able to do some work at school. It was really warm and a bunch of us ate in the courtyard. My appointment with S. was ok. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After the appointment I was a little angry because S. had me read this journal and now I have give BH the Ambien to give me when I need it. I guess there is some part of me that doesn't really want to die since I have told her this. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. I also was angry because I had this new diagonese, and I can't really look it up until Monday.
1. I fell asleep about 7:30.
2. This morning a woman was upset with me because she wanted to get by my car but couldn't. She kept blowing her horn. I got a little angry and I did blow my horn back but then realized it was a stupid little thing and let it go.
3. I have a good sense of humor.

Saturday, March 25, 2000
We spent a good part of the day in Mystic to watch the launch of the Amistad. It was nice but not as exciting as I hoped it would be. We got cold and we went to the Aquarium.
1. I bout a nice red soft sweatshirt for myself. (And one for DS.)
2. I was very nervous about getting to the Seaport but BH listened and we parked and walked which made me feel better.
3.

Sunday, March 26, 2000
We had a visit with J and S. It was Noah's birthday. We went as a courtesy but were not particularly excited about being there.
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3.

Monday, March 27, 2000
Today has been a very bad day. I felt strong urges to cut myself, but I have to wait until after tomorrow night when we do DS's birthday. When I read my email there was one from Dr. B. telling me I was not accepted into the Phd program because I didn't have the right background. I feel like the last goal has been ripped out from under me. I was angry with them, I am angry with myself for getting sick, I am angry with myself for telling S. about the sleeping pills and with S. for making me give them to BH I could not think of anything else all day. I did nothing for myself today and once again did nothing with my other goals.