Where does all the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, powerlessness go? I can't seem to figure it out. The only ways that I can feel that I have SOME control over my life are the ways I have fought for several years-scratching, cutting, biting, overdose-the urges I have fought against for almost two years. It just seems like too much, the lack of enthusiasm and interest my advisor shows in my degree work, the fear of spending the rest of my career as a high school librarian if I don't get into the Phd program. Uncle who looks so frail that I am almost afraid to touch him. Sister's breast cancer, which no matter how much I believe she'll be ok, still worries me and the jealousy over the open, outward, and deserved help and empathy she has received which was so lacking when I was so deep inside the whirlpool, I couldn't see the light. And now, it is as if nothing ever happened to me and I am perfectly fine. That, along with my shame at feeling that way is added to the struggle I watch my son going through in school and trying to make sure he doesn't end up like me. My husband, who is wonderful, but who has shown no more interest in me in the past couple of years than a brother would. I know he wants that little 97 lb girl he married 16 years ago, but it is just not going to happen and I don't know how to handle that with him. Then there are my mother and father who are caring for my uncle and my sister and how thin my mother has become and how white my father's hair is. Will she have more seizures or will she get sick when this is all over? People tell me that I take on too many things, too many worries that I have no control over, but it seems like i have control over nothing accept the cutting which would offer such sweet relief. I use any excuse I can from having to wear long sleeves to work, to not being able to work with the youth. And the guilt that I am still not strong enough to handle things that others find so easy to slip by. Even not eating or eating too much makes no difference since my medication determines my weight. I have felt so sick since sister and the teacher and paraprofessional cuts, and then the school stuff, and DS that all I have been able to eat is cereal and a bit of fruit. I just want to know how normal people handle all of this. I keep it together at work, at school, even with my family, but the stones of all these things are sitting in my heart and soul and I feel as though I will burst if I don't find a way through.