Psych Part III
Wednesday, March 15 2000
Yesterday and Monday I didn't write because I was busy and I was too tired at the end of the day. On Monday I went shopping with my Mom for DS's birthday. It was fun, I had my mom take me because I didn't feel comfortable driving. We also had a meeting with the school psychologist about DS. He does not have a learning disability, he does not have ADD or ADHD, but he is gifted (96-99%.) B. also said he does have a somewhat difficult personality and recommended we consult with a clinical psychologist. We are waiting a bit before we do anything about this. Though both days were better than they have been, I have still had some thoughts of hurting myself. Yesterday was worse because I was alone all day. I talked myself out of it. But this morning I actually took a shower without thinking about cutting myself. I am not going to write more about the meds because I am taking them like I am supposed to. For the three other goals:
1. I bought myself a new dress and spending time with my Mom was good.
1. I planted peas and sweet peas.
2. I did not get angry
2. BH. signed up for a new credit card. I was angry but after I TALKED to BH and we decided to keep it.
3.
3. I do special things for DS.


Thursday, March 16, 2000
Yesterday morning may have been great but the day grew worse as it went along. I really had a struggle not cutting myself. I have also thought that my birthday would be a good day to commit suicide. I could leave on the same day I came here. I am also hoping that by then the medication and counseling will be to a point that I will not go through with my plan.

Friday, March 17, 2000
I went for a bike ride to campus yesterday. It felt good. I was however drawn to the stream along the way. I can't understand why running water makes me feel like it does. I could actually picture myself calmly going to sleep and not waking up again. I'm not constantly thinking about suicide or hurting myself, but it does come up often. I keep waiting for these thoughts and feelings to go away. I guess I need to work on this. I also need to let the baby thing go. For two years everything I have done has focused on "the baby." My eating habits, vitamins, exercising was all done to make sure that if I got pregnant the baby would be ok and somewhere along the line it became me that was not ok. I will be doing (at least trying) things for me. I went to Borders last night it was nice just to be there alone and look at anything I wanted to .
1. I went for a bike ride and I went to Borders alone.
2.
3. I am polite.


Saturday, March 18, 2000
Last night we went to Husky Blues to hear G. play. It was nice. I got the chance to talk to D. and JT. Today I went to my parents to download some software for my PalmPilot. Then D., Mom, PG, and I went to the Marlborough Barn. It was a nice afternoon. Right now I am feeling pretty low. I know that the drugs have changed me. I am quieter, talk less, and sit still. However I find it frustrating that I can't always think or speak as clearly as I used to. I also forget things and this really bothers me. I think what it will be like on Monday with everyone asking me where I've been I almost wish no one noticed that I was gone. I am not sure how well I will be able to do my job. Even though I like my job I feel how unimportant it is. I am just very sad tonight (I forgot to feed the bunny.) My hip hurts alot and my breasts are swollen and tender. I just want to be away from it all. I'm really tired too!

[Few people actually noticed I was gone, one of the medications made my joints hurt and another caused me to lactate. While I could have made some extra money as a wet nurse, it was a bit unsettling. I stopped both medications and everything cleared up.]