Psych Part V
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
I am feeling a little better today. I am still upset but I am thinking about accepting their offer of a place as a Master's student. (If only to show them I CAN do it.) I am still thinking about the diagnosis I have been given of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I have questions to ask S. Like how did I get it, will it go away, etc. Later today I am taking G. W. , and N. to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. R. is coming along to help. It should be fun. We had a good time at the restaurant. The boys thought it was neat. When we got home I slept for a bit then went to L.'s.
1. I napped for awhile.
2. When a woman got upset at another table because the boys were rambunctious I decided it was her problem since if she wanted quiet she should not be eating there.
3.I get along well with children.

Wednesday, March 29, 2000
Well I made it through yesterday ok but today was not so great. My appointment went fine and the specialist said I don't have to go back. Then I went to the church to organize the their library. That was peaceful. I went home, got laundry going and cut myself. I was very angry and had trouble cutting myself well. I was afraid I would cut too far and DS. had violin lesson. I also had class last night. I thought alot today abot hurting myself and wish it would stop.
1. I organized the church library.
2. I didn't handle my anger today-I cut myself to let some out.
3. I am good at organizing things.

Thursday, March 30, 2000
I am still not feeling well. I found where BH. hid the Ambien and considered bringing them with me. I am afraid to call S. to tell her how I feel because I am afraid I'll have to go to the hospital again. I have gotten some work done at school today but I don't quite feel like myself. I am moving and thinking slowly which is frustrating to me. Dr. P. called and changed my prescriptions. Now I am only going to be taking 1/2 Ativan twice a day. Hopefully I won't sleep as much. When I got home I took a nap and felt better. I did some laundry and cleaned up. I also balanced the checkbook. I still went to bed early.
1. Napped a long time.
2.
3.

Friday, March 31
It would have been very easy this to take the Ambien. I had them in my hand but changed my mind. I wanted to cut myself but couldn't cut hard enough. In spite of all that I feel pretty good. It's really bright and sunny and I feel more alert than I have. I won't be taking Ativan until Noon. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. but I am not quite sure what to say.

Memere,
I am not sure what to say in this letter. I remember a few things about you but not very well. I only know how you looked from pictures. I would have liked the opportunity to get to know you better. I understand you were a fun person. I know you worked hard and took good care of your children. I have heard many stories about you from cousins and Aunts and Uncles and am jealous that they had the chance to know you when you were well. I guess alot of what I remember about you scary. The doctors, priests and the arguments must have been upsetting to me. I also remember playing with you in your hospital bed and watching TV. That is a good memory.

Anger-Things that make me angry
Not being able to do things I could do last year (concentrate, remember, etc.)
Not being able to help as much with stuff and G.
Not being able to do work as well
Feeling like hurting myself
Not caring about what is happening to others
Being selfish
Not lying well enought to hide what I want to do.
When people take away my ability to hurt myself.
How this all bothers my family.