Psych Hospital, Part II

Thursday, March 9, 2000
I feel much better today than I have in a while. By last night things seemed to be better but this morning I am kind of restless. R. came by yesterday and gave me communion and talked for a while which was nice. I also had the opportunity to read one of the books he gave me-it was good and has some interesting insights. J. also sent me a bunch of stuff, magazines, cookies, etc. In group yesterday people talked about some things that made alot of sense to me. Much of the time I think that there is not much I do well and I was remembering how I have always been the "dippy" one, the one who didn't quite get things right. I think I probably need to start thinking about things I do well and change how I think about the things I don't believe I do well. I had said a couple of days ago that for a goal I was going to write 3 things that I did well or liked about myself, so I guess now would be a good time to do that.
1. I help others when they need it.
2. I work well with gardening.
3. I enjoy working with animals

In the afternoon yesterday we had anger management and I realized (once again) that I do not hand anger well. Often when someone does something that upsets me I find some way to turn my anger at them to myself-I always make it my fault.

I am supposed to go home tomorrow. Earlier today I felt good but now I am feeling pretty nervous. Before dinner I was reading to one of the other patients and she got upset. I felt really responsible but I have tried to make myself believe that it wasn't. One of the mental health care workers was very mean to her earlier today and they changed some of her routines. Then BH and Mom came by to talk about what will happen and how they can help me when I leave. Now I am very anxious and can't seem to calm myself. I asked earlier for an extra dose of medicine but they asked me to wait to see if my regular medicine would work-it hasn't.

I guess I realize that this isn't a minor thing. In some ways my life will never be the same. I have to change things, I have to do some catch-up on things and I will need to be more vigilante to make sure I don't get as far depressed as I have been.

Friday, March 10, 2000
It's Friday night and I am at home again. The past week has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I met people from many different backgrounds and discovered a very important lesson-we are all human and susceptible to the same highs and lows in life. I really have a very different perspective on those suffering from subtance abuse. While the thought of coming home was scary, I am feeling fairly comfortable. I know the feeling won't last, but I am going to try and remember things I have learned this past week. In order to get well and stay well I need to do the following:
1. Take meds.
2. Take time for me (15 minutes or more).
3. Control my anger.
4. Learn to love myself

I will try to record what I have done each day to meet the last three goals. Today I spent time quietly in my room thinking about coming home, I maintained a calm demeaner when dealing with DS realized that my ability to organize helps keep the family together. I also felt gratitude and blessings in the form of BH and DS I need to be thankful for all my family and friends.

Sunday, March 12, 2000
Last night I had a little problem with thoughts of cutting myself. It was a little overwhelming at the coffee hour after church. There seemed to be too many people. I also had some trouble during a presentation by R. There were lots of images of the crucifixition. E. and J came down for DS's birthday. She is always very good to DS In addition to a gameboy game (Pokemon Pinball) we went to Toys R Us. DS got rollerblades and so we could go together, I got a pair myself. We tried them out and they seem great. Today I:
1. Took all my meds, but left out the one for stiff joints since I wasn't feeling too stiff.
2. I have yet to take my 15 minutes, but I am going to try some knitting.
3. I was firm with G. when he was pushing playing with his stuffed animal in church. I didn't yell, I just removedif and put it in the pew and warned him I would take it away for the day. No problem after that.
4. Getting roller blades was good for me because I can take them with me and go skating on campus.

[These proved to be more than I could do and eventually they went to the swap shop.]