Psych, Part IX
Thursday, May 25th, 2000
The last week has had its ups and downs. I felt really bad yesterday afternoon but I took an extra Seroquel and then slept and I got through it. S. and Dr. P. both say that it will be hard getting through this but I have to go through it to get better. I feel ok or good more than I did for the past couple of months, but when I feel bad it is still really bad. Work has been good because I (we) have been working to get all the books rebarcoded so it will make inventory easier and I have to concentrate on that, but when I get out of work I think about things and my mind starts thinking about all the things I need to do and how I won't have enough time to do them. I also get angry and upset about the way I am feeling. People tell me it will get better buth they haven't been through it and I wonder how many people don't actually get through it. I have now put on 8 lbs-almost all in my belly. I thought I wouldn't mind but I do. My hips and thighs are also "looser" than they were. It's not bad enough that I have to feel bad, then middle age starts to kick in. This weekend will be the first time I will be with alot of my family-it will be interesting to see what happens. Most of the time I am ok with babies but I still get some pangs when I think about it.

Tuesday, May 30, 2000
As I am watching this show, I'm having alot of different feelings. I am angry because the show has been on and people might know what I have done. People who try to kill themselves or who hurt themselves are crazY! They make it look so romantic but it's not. She talked about her mother doing things and buying things but only trying to be a good mom and I think thta is probably how I am. I also understand about the control-when I don't have razors or pills I feel like I have no control, but when I have them it is my decision. I also know that in the movie everything will turn out all right and I don't know if it will for me. My family has been good about making me not feel guilty about how I have made them fell but I still feel bad. And when I think aobut what made me like this and think it might have something to do with Memere it makes me feel worse. I have felt better for the past week but today (tonight) I have felt really bad. I probably shouldn't be watching this but I have to because I keep thinking it will help me somehow but maybe it will only make things worse. It says that the medicine will not give her side effects which isn't true. She seems so wimpy, I wonder if that is what I'm like-I guess I probably am. The movie said that self-injury can cause psychological damage but I though it was a symptom not a cause?