Psych, Part VI
Tuesday, April 4th
I need to catch up since Friday. When I saw S. she suggested a book to get to read which I picked up last night. I feel a little funny about reading like somehow if I read it I wiil get in on some kind of secret and I won't get better. Saturday we did some cleaning. It was really nice out and while BH and DS ran errands I got a little gardening done and I read two chapters for class. Over the weekend I decided I will accept a place in the Master's program. Saturday night we went to Mom and Dad's for dinner and cake and coffeee. I got some very nice things. Sunday we went out to dinner with my parents and BH.'s bothers and Dad and E. It was very nice. I didn't think I would like it as well as I did. BH. did some very nice things for me this weekend. I just wish I could be better for him.

Yesterday I was very agitated all day. I did get some work done and at home I picked up a bit and did laundry. I also did the grocery shopping. While I was shopping I bought razorblades. I was a little nervous about buying them, I thought someone would know what they were for, but just having thme made me feel better, like I had some control back. I did cut myself, I'll have to be careful, because they cut very easily.

Today, I am feeling better than I did yesterday. I am a bit self-conscious about my arm because I am wearing something short-sleeved, but noone has said anything. I am a bit worried about what will happen when I go see Dr. P. on Thursday. I am going to try to make arrangements in case I have to go back to the hospital. It's somewhat comforting to thnk about going back but I wouldn't want all that medication again. I'll just have to see what happens.

Saturday, April 8th
I haven't been taking time for myself or writing everyday. I cut myself again on Tuesday night. DS had gone to visit with A. I cut pretty deep and it took me about 15 minutes to get it to stop bleeding. On Wednesday, the school nurse put a butterfly bandage on it. When I went to see Dr. P. on Thursday he made a good point. I cut myself because I was angry because I couldn't get things done for BH and DS but cutting myself did not make that better. I gave him the blades and felt safer. On Friday S. pointed out that cutting was an addiction like a drug. Even though they wer both right I still have wanted to cut myself and today I felt like killing myself. I am feeling better-the thoughts are not constand but they do come and go. If I cut myself again I am supposed to write down the "trail" of thoughts that lead to cutting. When we got home from the Pinewood Derby I had a snack then went for a bike ride. It was really hard getting up the hill and now it is too windy and BH will come get me but it did help the bad feelings go down a bit. Sometimes I feel like a little kid. I passes a student who graduated in January. As I passed her I thought how mature and stable she seems. Even at school I always felt that she was the adult and I was the child. I really envy her. I have tried to pinpoint what makes me feel so bad but I just start thinking about one thing and it leads to another until it is too overwhelming and I feel like I can't stand it anymore.

My mother asked if she could talk to S. about what I have. I haven't told her the new diagnosis, I don't really want to. I feel very ashamed of it, like I can't control myself like other adults do.

I felt bad for S. this week. She seemed to have a busy week and seemed tired. I felt bad telling her all this stuff since she had such a week. I feel like I am always complaining and never finding anything good but there to be some good things. This morning as we were leaving Foxy climbed a tree to catch something and then jumped down again. It was pretty funny to watch. She's really a good cat and spends a lot of time with me. Skittles is good too but she is much more independent.

It has felt good sitting in the sun all day. I stopped by the stream on the way up and listened for a while. It was very soothing and I was tempted to take my shoes and socks off and put my feet in because the water didn't feel too cold.

I just saw someone I know (but don't recognize) with her two boys (about 2). A wave of darkness came over just like earlier today at the Derby with all those people seeming so happy and normal like I want to be again! Nobody has any idea how bad I feel and none understand. I just want to know that this will get better!

Wednesday, April 12
The week has not been good. I am finding it more difficult to concentrate on anything. Monday I went shopping and bought more razors. Today has been the first day I have really felt like cutting myself. On Monday evening I spent about an hour with my Ativan debating whether or not to take it. I felt there were few things left to do. I am more prepared today. I am still not sure I have enough to do more than put me ina comea-I was angry with Dr. P on Monday because he only gave me 14.

I got more reading done and have completed my application acceptance. However I don't believe I will be able to do my presentation next week as scheduled. Since DS stated taking his allergy medicine he seems much better. He is sleeping better and his attitude is better. BH is getting nervous about work again. They will have a meeting on Friday when he will find out what is going on. I didn't handle that as well as I would have liked last time and this time I am not sure I can handle it all. I feel like everything at home is back to normal except me. I don't wnat to have to think about things like the bills, insurance, etc. It's just all too frustrating. And then I come to work and feel like I do little. I am not really teaching. I doubt I am affecting any of the kids.

I know I shouldn't cut but right now it is the only way I can feel better. I don't know what I'll do at S.'s today. If I tell her she will take these things from me and I won't have control again.

R. said he thought if I killed myself that God would still love me but he thought I would have be held accountable for what happened here. I don't think it would be too bad here-people would get along without me. I just want to leave a few instructions so things go smoothly.

Thursday, April 13
I am back at Natchaug which is good because I feel safe. I know that I can't really follow through on thoughts of hurting myself. I'm angry with myself for not following through and I am still having trouble with givving S. the pills. Right now it is nice just to sit and not have to think.

Friday, April 14
They have let me off constant observation so I will be able to go down and get dinner and go out on the unit I met with Dr. S today and along with changing my meds (again) he also said a couple of things which seemed to make sense and have put a little twinge into me. First he said that it sounded like I was feeling a little sorry for myself and he's right. He also said I have to work on getting better. He said it won't be easy, but I have to do it. I guess the first thing made more of an impression. I need to adapt to things and get going or I will never be back to where I used to be or maybe I don't want to be and that's the whole point.