Psych, Part VII
Sunday, April 16
I am on the second day of new medication. It seems ok though I am really drowsy in the morning and I can feel the medicine as it the level drops. One of them has made my blood pressure lower. I have been moved out of the observation unit and now am in a regular room. That bothered me at first but I am feeling a little better about that now. The room is nice with two sets of drawers, a wardrobe an desk. the view from the window is another part of the building but that is ok. I have been a bit angrier this time because part of me feels like I shouldn't be here because so many of the others are from more difficult backgrounds than I am. Sometimes that makes me feel more guilty.

I suddenly feel like I can't handle anything which definetly not how I have been up until this point in my life. I may not have handled it well-but I always handled it. I need to believe that I can get back to that point and want to get back there. Right now it seems very comfortable being here-having others watch out for me, not having to deal with life and any of its responsibilities and that can't continue. Either I have to get better or I have to kill myself and I think deep down I want the former and just need to be more patient.

Monday, April 17
I am really agitated and angry. One fo the patients has continually disrupted every session today. I did speak up about this but I am not sure whether or not this will be address with him. then I am pretty angry about A's behavior. I realize that she is ill, but then we all are, yet she continually has to have the limelight. She has lots of stuff and makes sure that she offers it to all her buddies. Though I try not to let this bother me it does make me fell left out. Then I just watched her completely ignore another patients' attempts to get to speak to a doctor. I know she's excited about getting out but she's being a real pain.

Well writing and talking to B has calmed me down a bit. The doctor has added one more dose of Seroquel to see if it will take care of my afternoon problems. They have also put me on a special diet to make sure I am getting enough to eat.

The other thing that would probably help would be some constant nice weather. It keeps getting hot and cold and it seems to always be raining.

Tuesday, April 18
I just realized I stopped soing my three things, it got to be too much. It's alot quieter today
because C left. She was very kind and kind of watched out for everyone. I just spoke to the doctor and he said I may be getting out tomorrow. I feel pretty good this morning and feel like I might be ready to go home and take care of things. I need to discuss with P. that I can't go back to "norma" so quickly. He'll need to help me with bills and stuff a little more.

Saturday, April 22
I left the hospital on Wednesday. I am feeling better this time. The medication does not make me quite as drowsy as the other did. I also have (hopefully) more realistic expectations of what things will be like. Last time I expected everything to be back to normal but it didn't happen that way and it won't be that way this time either. Thursday and Friday I didn't do much of anything but bills. Today we cleaned the first floor. It was the first real cleaning I have done in a while.

On Wednesday before I left we had a "women's group." During the session one of the other patients talked about how could she get out of the cycle of being homeless and on the streets. She has been in foster homes since she was 9 or 10 (she's 19 now). She also described how as an 8 yr old she would be terrified if her mother left for work before she was awake. (She had to get herself ready for school.) When she was talking about this I suddenly realized how DS would feel if I were to kill myself. DS had been raised with yelling and that this needs to change.

Monday, April 24th
I spent much of the day at work trying to upgrade software. I felt pretty good today. Not too sleepy or confused. However I went grocery shopping and thought about suicide again. I also didn't do very well-I forgot part of what I was supposed to buy. BH mowed the lawn and I raked it. I was pretty tired after dinner.

Tuesday, April 25th
I have been drowsy and addled today. I have gotten better as the day has progressed but am still not really with it. B. said I looked really good. I only wish I felt as good as I look. I am supposed to choose a psychiatrist today. I hate the thought of doing this. Dr. P. is really nice, but I also see S.'s point about Dr. S. knowing me better. Dr. M. agreed that he is probably a better choice too. I feel like I have been put in a spot.